Page 29 of Alarm Fatigue

I stop. I sit down hard as I prepare for whatever is next.

“Rachel.” The way he says my name reminds me that I am a woman after all. He takes a breath and looks me in the eye.

“Rachel, I was not that drunk, I remember all of it and I am glad to hear you want something serious because, you may have noticed, I am a serious person as well. And no, you did not hallucinate that, I did say that because I have wanted to kiss you.” He looks intently at my lips and…wow. “I said I have wanted to kiss you for years and I said it because it is true. I kept you at a distance in the past because you were married, and then you were grieving and then because you are you, meaning I did not want to offend you. More than I have wanted to kiss you, I wanted to be able to be around you. I did not want to lose you.”

‘Because you were married’ is echoing in my poor addled brain.

“That many years?” I am floored.

“Since I first met you. It was just lust at first because, do you have any idea how attractive you are?”

“Um. Honestly, no. And not because I am fishing for compliments and do not bother trying to fix this because this is one of the broken things I was referring to.”

“Rachel.” His voice is melting me. “I want to be with you. Do you hear me?”

I nod my head as I notice my whole body hears him.

“But you acted like you loathed me.”

“To keep you away.” He takes a step in my direction. My voice comes out barely as a whisper as I register that.

“You made fun of my being an NP.” Now I am just grasping because after so much wondering at what may be going on in his head, hearing the truth of how he feels aloud is something else entirely. “And you made me cry once after a code.”

“I am truly sorry about that, Rachel. Please try to understand, I did it to keep myself away from you.” As he says this, I realize he has nearly closed the distance between us.

And then our damn phones go off—alerting us to an emergency.

“We will talk after work.” Not a question, just a statement and so I respond the only way I can.

“Okay. Yes. We will.”

Chapter 21

The rest of the night has been non-stop patient encounters and performing the occasional bedside procedure, not to mention all the associated documentation, and suddenly I am at the end of the shift. I go to the locker room and gather up my belongings before the morning team meeting. It has been so busy that Mark and I never found ourselves a moment to speak alone again. Throughout the night I had to employ every tool in my arsenal to refocus myself on the tasks in front of me. Mark had shared some provocative truths about himself that were jarring my ability to think straight. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around his statement, that he has wanted to kiss me as far back as when I was married to Eli. This is something that I may need some time to process because it seems so surreal. Intellectually, I know better than to feel guilty about any of my own feelings at this point, but a part of me feels an unreasonable pang of self-recrimination. It may have been nine years since the loss of my husband, but I have not exactly moved on.

For the rest of my shift, every walk down an empty hospital hallway, going from one task to another, was an opportunity for my head to start spinning with bits and pieces of our earlier conversation. Mark had said that he was a serious person and that meant he may want a commitment. With me. Years of our sniping at each other, his seeming coldness towards me, is now in an entirely different light. What had been my stack of evidence of how much he loathed me is now coming to my mind to be reprocessed with this new insight. My perception of his supposed dislike of me is being shattered by his last confession.

‘I did it to keep myself away from you.’

While packing up my uneaten lunch, I consider how, in hindsight, so many of our encounters make sense to me in a way that they could not before. From the moment we had met, I had thought Mark was so unreasonable in his attitude towards me. How could he dislike me so much when he had not even had a chance to know me? Of course my response to this had been to make judgements about his motivations for this since I did not really know him either. I fell for it, hook, line, sinker…well played, sir, well played. With his admission that he did not hate me but rather that he was attracted to me, his friend’s wife—it is so much to process.

His behavior thus far had certainly worked toward his goal of keeping me feeling distant from knowing or even understanding him. By being Dr. Pain In The Ass, he really had kept me from regarding him as anything more than that, by being so antagonistic and subsequently infuriating. Mark may have missed his calling in the performing arts. Throwing my bag over my shoulder I head to the ICU office with all of this rattling around in my head like a number of loose marbles.

For the ICU team meeting this morning, someone has brought pastries and thank God, because I had not had a chance to eat. Feeding myself with a croissant in one hand while keeping a donut on reserve in the other, I am across the room from Mark and we both keep stealing glances at each other. The tension between us feels so obvious to me it’s a wonder that everyone does not just stop talking and demand to know what is going on. It is just as well that they are oblivious because I am not sure how I would answer that question. Eyeing each other from across the room, I feel my old nemesis, the Irish blushing machine, get to work. Seriously how obvious am I?

Feeling this keyed up reminds me of a time one of the nurses talked me into trying an energy drink. It feels as though my heart is running a marathon while I am seated in my chair and I cannot seem to settle myself down. I actually feel almost manic, like I could make some really impulsive decisions. At least I know I am not alone with my feelings. I turn my back on Mark in an effort to focus on what the other APP is saying and I can almost feel his gaze on the back of my head, daring me to turn around. I cannot wait to leave this room even though I have no idea what is going to happen next. What I do know, however, is that I have spent too much of my life full of fear while trying to force a sense of security. The strength of my attraction to him feels like a surge of power that may be strong enough to conquer at least some of my fears. For this moment, anyway.

Finally, Mark and I are finished and we both grab our stuff and walk in step out to the parking lot. Despite the fact that our earlier conversation was interrupted, we suddenly do not seem to have anything to say to each other for a few moments. Then Mark clears his throat and I can feel him stop and turn towards me.

“Rachel, I need to tell you, before all of this happened, I applied for a volunteer mission in Greece.” Oh, right, that happened.

“I heard something about that.” I keep walking since we are still within view of the lobby and this feels too private for an open space, not to mention that we are in plain view of our workplace. Mark catches up to me, meeting my stride.

“It is for six weeks, but I am coming back.”

“Okay.” So not a new job then, just a temporary one.

“I signed up before we went on that first coffee date. What I am trying to say is that this has been in the works for some time and I should not abandon it.”

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