Page 23 of Alarm Fatigue

Unfortunately, my upcoming shift leaves me little time to hide out and figure out what to do. Or maybe that is good luck after all. God knows I am one to stall in the truth of a new revelation about myself almost indefinitely, rather than actually taking action on it and moving forward. My current romantic entanglements and my own moral compass are not going to allow me that luxury. I cannot leave myself in the hallway of indecision any longer.

I finish my coffee and gather my sweater and bag and head for home, waiting for my next steps to come to me.

When I arrive home Sirius and Minerva are sitting in the foyer, blinking at me expectantly. It is as if they know that I am on the precipice of some kind of decision that could change all of our lives.

“Stop being so dramatic,” I say to them. For their part, they say nothing.

Heading over to my desk, I pull out a notebook and start to write. Everything that comes to my mind, I just write it out, freely and without judgement. This used to be the hardest assignment from my therapist—to write without reframing my thoughts or attaching self-criticism. Now, having practiced this many times before, I am able just to do what I need to do.

When I arrive at the truth of what I really want, tears of fear and apprehension fill my eyes. I should have known from the beginning, I think.

Speaking softly to myself I say what I most need to hear. “That is not true, Rachel, how could you have known? You were not ready.”

Leave it to Rachel Lazarus, I laugh-cry to myself. I was never going to settle for what is easy or simple. The most immediate next steps will be that I am going to have to admit my truth out loud to other people. It will feel difficult, but it is only my pride that I will be putting on the line. It is the step beyond that when I will put my heart on the line as well, that will be infinitely more frightening.

I am definitely going to need a nap first.

I change into pajamas and lay myself down. For once, I am completely asleep the moment my weary head hits the pillow.

Chapter 17

Of the three of my children, Lila is the one that has always been the least invested in managing me. While I know each of them mean well, Hannah has a kind of desperate need to see me happy and Gabriella is driven to keep me safe from harm. Lila, however, will take me however I am. If I am messy or afraid or depressed or angry, she can listen and does not try to fix it. I suppose it corresponds with her own dynamic of becoming the woman she is.

Based on how insecure most teenagers are, it was not surprising that she had been terrified to tell Eli and me that she was gay. I supposed when he and I looked at each other, and without even having to speak about it immediately told her we loved her and accepted her as she is, we may have surprised her. That moment of our immediate and total acceptance of her truth is something she has paid forward to me so many times. Not for the first time, I am so grateful we had that moment as a family before we lost Eli.

When I woke up from my nap and Lila texted to ask if she could pop by and borrow a carry-on bag for their trip the next day, I seized the opportunity and asked if both she and Kim could both come over for a tea in order for me to catch them up on my news.

I am just laying out the tea and cookies on the kitchen counter, when I hear them letting themselves in and kicking off their shoes in the foyer. Walking in, giggling, hand in hand, they are so adorable together. They really do remind me of Eli and myself, a lifetime ago. They act as if they have just fallen in love, not like a couple who have already been together for years as they have.

“Hi mom, what’s the news?”

Lila is the most Mediterranean-appearing of my children with a golden-tan skin tone lacking all of her Irish grandmother’s freckles. Her hair is the lightest though, a honey color which highlights and shines in the sun. She keeps her hair cut short with a long wispy fringe. She is curvier than her sisters, built more like I am, and she has her father’s hazel eyes. Her wife is vision of Nordic ancestry. She is tall, but slighter of build with bright blue eyes and long, curly blonde hair that she plaits into a loose braid and throws over one shoulder—she is simply gorgeous.

“Please, have a seat and thank you for coming over. I know you two must have a ton to do, but let me tell you about my last twenty-four hours. It has been, well, I cannot believe how much has happened, actually.”

With that, they have a seat and Kim pours us each a tea. I tell them (almost) all about the work party and watch my daughter laugh softly at me. This would have made Gavi so uncomfortable, that she would not want to hear it, and Hannah would interrupt and tell me I was being ‘cringe’ or some such thing. I also share with them Amalie’s brutal summation of the choices before me and I watch as they exchange a look that tells me they are in agreement with my oldest friend. Finally, I tell them about my journaling and the conclusions that came from that process.

“I just kept writing until it was no longer all knotted together in my head, you know?”

They both nod sagely and it is Kim who speaks. “It is funny how when I do that, it seems like the answer was always there, I just was not ready to let go of the fear around it. Something about seeing fears out of my head and on paper makes them smaller and less important.”

“That is exactly it. But when I envision the conversations ahead of me with both Mark and Seth, the fear does not seem small at all. I mean I risk so much by talking to them about what I really feel and think, right?”

“Mom, you do, but as you keep saying, being someone that cannot or will not speak their truth is not an option for you anymore. Even if they both belittle your feelings or reject what you are saying, that would be nothing compared to trying to make yourself live in a way that is not authentic to who you are striving to be.”

I throw my arms around both of them. “How did I get so lucky to have such a brilliant and insightful daughter and daughter-in-law?”

They hug me back and I remember that whatever else happens, I will have this. Before they leave Lila reminds me that I better catch up Gabriella and Hannah before I proceed with my plan. So after they leave, I do just that.

As I call and speak to each of them, it unfolds as I would expect. Gabriella was immediately concerned that I was not making the most secure choice. A natural caretaker, she does not want anything more than for me to keep my heart from being broken. In the end, due to her experience with finding her own beshert in David, she understood that being safe and being in love were not always compatible, and that sometimes, it really is worth the risk. Hannah, of course, was over the moon. After all, this time, she had been right from the beginning.

Once I am done speaking to my girls, I text Seth and ask if we can speak. Then I make myself a tray of snacks and start enjoying a new romcom with a glass of wine until he calls back. I was about fifteen minutes into the movie, when I realized I selected a movie I had not seen before. I look over at my cats who are lounging on their cat condo structure across the room.

“New me, who is this?” They do not answer but Minerva turns away from me, whatever that means.

My phone is buzzing and I see it is Seth and pause the movie.

“Hello.”

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