Page 10 of Alarm Fatigue

She told me that the first thing I needed to do was not to tell everyone else that my parents had not shown up. She said at best I would get teased and at worst someone would tattle and I would end up in foster care. She talked me into telling everyone my parents were volunteering with a clean-water initiative in Africa, rather than admitting the ugly truth, which was that I had no idea where they were and that this happened sometimes.

Already an attorney in her heart, she argued that at summer camp I could reinvent myself and it did not really count as a lie, since the truth was too painful. With remarkable insight, given how young she was, she reminded me that my fellow campers were at an age when it would more fun for them to be cruel than kind to me and that this type of decision needed to be weighed as a shalom bayit type of fabrication. Her rationale seemed reasonable for camp, and of course I was well-versed in telling lies to cover the truth for my family. In my home, a white lie meant the difference between the possibility of peace in the home as opposed to the certainty of violence. I had grown up knowing that when it is life or death, it is okay to tell a white lie. God will understand. Looking at her now, I am so thankful for her role in my life. I needed someone on my side, and since that day, Ami has been that person for me.

I remember it as if it was yesterday when she said to me, “Not only is it no one else’s business, but this is not your fault. Parents can be terrible, just like any other kind of people,” she assured me, when I cried about how my parents had promised they would show up but had not come, without sending me even the slightest warning.

She also made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I could always tell her the truth and she would never judge me by my circumstances. I do not know what she told her own parents, but they seemed to be in on it and took me under their wing the entire weekend, including dividing up Amalie’s care package evenly with me as if they had planned for it all along. I still get misty-eyed thinking of how much they protected me and loved me over the years.

Back in the present, Amalie is dramatically wiping her eyes after I have shared with her all of my thoughts during the date with Seth.

“As it turns out, you have a dirty mind, sweet Rachel, and I am so here for it. Really, who would have guessed this about you?”

I blush, because of course I do, and attempt to evade her gaze. “Ami, what about the other thing, is that normal, to try to get me not to tell too much of the truth about myself? It felt like I was being managed, and that is the primary reason this tendency of his puts my back up. It reminded me too much of my life with dad, you know?” She nods.

“My dear, what do I know about normal behavior? I do not even date.” She laughs, as I think, even so I can guarantee you know a hell of a lot more than I do. “Look, it's a first impression encounter. I agree if it persists and he seems to want you to ‘keep sweet’ or something…” She makes a disgusted face at that phrase. “Well, that is just not going to work for you long term. You are the type that needs to share what is on your mind. But for now, who cares? He sounds amazing and hot so stop trying to sabotage this for yourself. Can you just have fun?”

”I don’t know Ami, I don’t want to go backwards, you know? To keep myself amiable on the outside, while dying on the inside from not being able to speak the truth.”

“I know, I know.” She pats my hand and her warm smile reminds me of how much she really does know. “You never have to go backwards. We’ve got this. Maybe he just wanted to keep the tone light for a first date.”

”You are right. I am sure you are. Either way, I suppose we will see, since I did agree to a second date.”

At that she claps her hands happily. “Now I can make the popcorn. Which of your movies are we watching tonight?”

As it happens, tonight we are watching a movie about the neighbors who have a rivalry, but it is obvious to anyone with eyes, except the main characters, that the grumpy woman has a crush on the cheerful man. What is bothering me about this particular movie tonight is how the female lead is adamant that she thinks her neighbor is so obnoxious. She complains about him constantly, which is feeling a bit too familiar for my comfort. Of course they fall in love, which for some reason I have never understood involves her having to quit law school to stay at home and have a bunch of children. They do not ever explain why this was necessary in the movie, which I know, because of course I have probably seen this film five or six times before.

We are prying the cats from our laps and cleaning up the dropped bits of popcorn from the sofa, when Amalie pauses. “By the way, I brought you that bottle of wine you requested for having to endure Dr. Pain In The Ass for a night.”

“It was hardly for a night. Honestly, it was probably only about 20 minutes, although it did feel like an eternity at the time.” As soon as I say it I think of the woman in the movie.

“In any case, I am sorry, I wish I had known it was that Dr. Mark because I never would have set you up….Wait, why do you have a strange look on your face?”

“You tell me. Why did you agree to that movie? I mean, I know in general, you are just feigning enthusiasm for my movie choices. I know this to be true and no offense is taken, but you and I have seen this movie before. Is there a reason why you agreed to this particular one?”

“You are not a grumpy neighbor so I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Summoning up my most accusatory glare, I turn to face her. “Now that I am thinking about it, you did agree with more gusto than usual—do not try to deny it. Seriously, Ami, what are you trying to tell me? I should have known you were up to something.”

“Look, I know that first date was terrible, but I think part of me wonders if your aversion to him is more based on fear than actual loathing.”

“Ami, you of all people must see that Seth Aaronson is literally perfect for me. If I could write myself a man that was a complete match, it would be him.”

“Okay, yes, I know that is true at the surface level, but I am starting to wonder if you are actually attracted to Mark and therefore feel annoyed by him. Or maybe I’m wondering if you are just averse to falling for someone again. Meaning you do not want to feel out of control, which I totally get. Especially as this is a man that will likely routinely upset your entire safe zone.”

“Amalie, he cannot stand me, so what is the point of even discussing it? He has been so mean to me nearly every time I see him for years now. I am talking about him going out of his way to be difficult, even at work.”

She smiles then with a look I can only describe as her, ‘I have unveiled you as the guilty party and now here is my closing argument’ face. “Rachel, did you not recall that Shakespeare himself had an opinion on this? Something about people that protest too much.”

I roll my eyes at that and she chuckles.

“The heart wants what it wants.”

With that I toss a throw pillow at her head and take the last of our dishes to the sink. As I am washing up, Mark’s face comes to mind. His gorgeous terrible face. The wavy dark brown hair, his soulful eyes.

I mutter to myself as I am doing the dishes. “What does it even matter? He has spent the last nine years going out of his way to prove how much he dislikes me.”

I finish up and go back to Amalie with an herbal tea for each of us.

“Ami, I am telling you now, let this go. That road only leads to heartache for me. You and I both know I have had enough heartache for a lifetime.”

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