Page 33 of Alarm Fatigue

“I would like that, very much.” He says. Suddenly, he looks as exhausted as I feel. He stands up and offers me a hand. “Let me show you to the spare room.” I put my hand in his and follow him up the stairs. I have barely pulled the cover over my shoulders when I pass out.

When I wake it is dark in the room. It takes me a moment to remember where I am. I lay there for a moment, thinking of Mark, as a boy, orphaned but surrounded by aunts and cousins. I take a moment to think about my revelation that I had with Amalie. That I felt so attracted to Mark as well as intrigued by him. But how real can that be? I hardly know him outside of work. And most of what I thought I knew was wrong. He thinks he loves me, but he thought I was a woman of strict virtues. Maybe the person he loves is not real either.

What am I doing here?

I at least have to acknowledge that something, even if it is misguided, has drawn me to him. Led me to at least give this a chance. But is that because I am broken and lonely? Or because there is something here worth having? I was hoping getting some sleep would give me clarity. Instead I feel more uncertain than ever.

Even if I want to give this a chance, what will that mean? Am I meant to sleep with him? Let him see me naked? I am not a young woman anymore and suddenly I realize that there is so much about this that I have not thought through. I sit up and look around for my bag and phone. I think about grabbing everything and making a run for it. Not for the first time I think about my life before—yes it was small and maybe a bit depressing—but I was safe in so many ways. I think I was happy enough. At least then I was more certain what the next right thing to do was. In just a short time I now am muddled and uncertain with a growing sense of dread about what the next steps with Mark are meant to be.

He thinks he loves me, but maybe that is because of an ideal he has of me. Not the real me. I feel more and more sure of this as I reach over and grab my phone. I think about getting a car to take me back to the hospital where I have left mine. When I think it through, however, I recall the disappointment of the last few days and how hurt I felt when we were out of touch and not communicating. I cannot do that to him and honestly, I cannot do that to me. I have to at least let him get to know me and then maybe he will realize he is mistaken. Then I can leave. I put my things back down on the bed.

I go to the guest bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Sleep-rumpled and middle-aged. It is what it is. With that thought, I wash my face, brush my teeth again and run my fingers through my hair. I sit down on the bed for a moment and look at the time—4:00 pm. I pull up a prayer book app and try to refocus with prayer. Afterwards I sit quietly and try to listen to what is in my heart. It is terrifying to do something new but the truth is that following my head may have kept me safe but it kept me so alone. Trying to center on my heart, I take a few breaths and wonder what I really want.

After a few more moments I stand and decide to find Mark. There is a closed door at the end of the hall that I approach and after a moment, I knock softly. I hear a muffled voice say, “Rachel?”

Leaning my forehead to his bedroom door, I say, “Hello. I am up and… I am not leaving.”

I hear him chuckle from within his room, low and warm, and I cannot help but smile. Perhaps he knows me better than I realize.

Chapter 24

Mark appears at his bedroom door in sweat pants and a half tucked in wrinkled Morrissey t-shirt. His face has a crease across his right cheek from sleeping on it, yet he somehow looks hotter than ever. He takes me in with his eyes and grins at me.

“You didn’t run away.”

“No. I did not. The thought did occur to me however.”

I am surprised I added that last part aloud after a lifetime of telling people what they want to hear rather than the truth. At some point in my life it did become clear to me that just telling people what they want to hear, rather than what I meant to say, usually left everyone involved disappointed. It is, however, always a temptation in the moment. Still standing there, I start to fidget with my hands.

“How did you know? That I thought about leaving?”

He chuckles again and cocks his head to the side. “Are you as hungry as I am? We can discuss the rest over dinner?”

“Okay, but can we still do this at my house? I am too old to pull off this wrinkled but cute look.”

“Of course. Just give me a moment to get dressed.” With that, he turns to shut his door but at the last moment turns back around. “I know you will not believe me when I say this but you are not that old. In fact, you look stunning and I have never been more attracted to anyone in my life.” With that bold statement, he gently shuts the door in my astonished face.

He is not wrong. I have a hard time taking in what he is saying to me. But I believe him when he says that he sees me that way and I am floored, not so much because of how he sees me but more that I trust him in a way I have only trusted one other man before. Dazed, I shuffle down to the living room with my bag and wait for him to drive us to my house.

Once again, we are quiet in the car. It does not feel as charged as it did last night but I can still feel the pull between us. Yet somehow, the silence feels comfortable. As if we have all the time in the world. This thought reminds me of Greece.

“Mark, how soon are you leaving for Greece?”

“The middle of next week.” I feel his eyes on me then. “I wish it was not happening right now, but it is.”

“Don’t people say everything happens for a reason?”

“Is that what you believe?”

I am too tired to get into all of that right now so I give the simplest answer I can come up with. “I believe everything has a consequence.”

“I think I need to eat before this conversation goes any further.” I hear the smile in his voice as I turn to look at him.

“Fair enough.”

When we arrive I start to unlock the door and then it occurs to me to let him know about my fur babies. “Just so you know, this is not just my house. I have two cats that allow me to live here with them. You are not allergic, I hope?”

“Not at all. Do they tend to hate it when you bring someone new over? I know cats can be territorial. I had a few growing up.”

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