Page 104 of Foul Days

“Kosara, look at me,” Asen said. There was no accusation in his eyes, only compassion. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Whose damned fault was it then?” she said, her voice cracking. She couldn’t stand him being this nice to her after she’d admitted to murder. Was it that hard to meet one goddamned copper who knew how to do his job? “Whose stupid fault could it possibly be? I asked her to go to the graveyard. I was reckless. I was so relieved to finally be free of the Zmey, so eager to make up for all the damned time I’d lost in his damned palace, I made stupid decision after stupid decision, and it all culminated in an absolutely idiotic decision, and Nevena died. Because of me.”

Saying that last sentence out loud was a struggle. Her tongue fought against her, just like when she’d told Blackbeard lies about her trip to Belograd. The effect of the serum was growing weaker.

Except the fact she’d killed Nevena wasn’t a lie. Was it?

Asen looked at her strangely for a moment, and Kosara realised she’d never told him about her and the Zmey before. But he didn’t ask her any questions. He squeezed her hand tighter. “You were sixteen. Of course you made stupid decisions.”

There, I told you he agrees. Murderer. It’s your fault. It’s all your fault for making me angry.

“But what happened isn’t your fault,” Asen continued. “The Zmey murdered your sister. He didn’t do it because of you. He did it simply because he could. Because he’s a monster.”

Kosara stared at Asen, his face doubling and tripling through the tears in her eyes. “I led her there,” she said, but her resolve was starting to weaken. “The Zmey is a monster. He can’t be held responsible for doing what monsters do.”

“Why the hell not?”

Kosara opened her mouth and then shut it again. Why the hell not?

Because you’re too afraid, little Kosara. Because admitting I murdered your sister means you’ll have to do something about it. Because it’s easier to fight with yourself over it than to fight me.

Because you know you’re too weak to face my fire.

Kosara was full-on sobbing now, loud and ugly. She couldn’t stop. Asen watched her with those big, worried eyes of his, obviously unsure what to do, his hand occasionally squeezing hers.

For a moment, he looked as if he wanted to do more. Gently wipe her tears with his hand. Get up from his seat and embrace her in a tight hug.

But he didn’t. Something stopped him. His expression was still worried, but for a moment, something else flickered across his face—guilt. Guilt that he was touching her at all.

If Kosara wasn’t so busy wiping at her face with her sleeve and letting out loud, throaty sobs with every gulp of air, she would have paid more attention to it. Even if something stopped Asen from getting any closer to her, she’d bared herself completely, and she found it hard to pull back now.

She hadn’t cried like this in years.

Get a hold of yourself, for God’s sake!

Another loud gulp. And another, but this one slightly shallower.

Nothing had changed tonight. Absolutely nothing. Deep down, Kosara had always known who’d murdered Nevena. If she hadn’t, she’d have done something long ago to finally bring her poor ghost peace.

Yes, you, my little Kosara. You murdered her.

No, she said, surprising herself. “No,” she repeated out loud, and her tongue didn’t fight against her, because it was the truth. Suddenly, she found it easier to stand up to him, even if it was only in her head. Not me. You did.

“What was that?” Asen asked.

“Nothing. It was nothing.” Kosara took several deep breaths, forcing the tears to stop, pushing it all to the back of her mind. It shouldn’t have been this difficult. After all, she had years of practice.

Only this time, she wasn’t going to forget. She was going to take all her fear and hurt, calcified and hard after all those years, and she was going to use them as a weapon.

Once she got her shadow back, she’d make the Zmey pay for what he did. Even if it took her years of training to become strong enough to defeat him. Even if she died in the process.

She was done running.

“Honestly, Kosara,” Asen said. “Why would you focus on a reckless decision you made seven years ago, when you have such a wide array of reckless decisions we’re making right now to choose from?”

Kosara half-sniffed, half-snorted. She wiped her tears again. “Thank you,” she said. “I think I needed to talk about it with someone. Sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry about it, I was awake anyway.”

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