Page 32 of Controlled Burn

The timer started beeping on my watch, and I stood up. “Time to put the steaks on.” He started to get up, but I motioned for him to stay seated. “I’ll be right back.”

I went into the kitchen, checked on the vegetables, and grabbed the steaks out of the fridge. I stopped in the doorway that led out to the backyard. Frozen in place at the sight before me.

Caleb had gotten up and walked over to look at the roses I’d planted over by the north fence. He was knelt down, hand reaching out to touch one of the roses. His expression was a look of delight and wonder at the large red bloom.

I took a deep breath and released it slowly. It didn’t matter how gorgeous he was or how right he looked in my space. He wasn’t mine to have or mine to keep.

“They’re called firefighters,” I said, walking out on the patio. “I was shopping for climbing roses, but as soon as I saw the name of that one, I had to have it.”

He stood and turned to face me. “It’s beautiful.”

I looked at him standing there and nodded my head. “It is.” I cleared my throat. “So, how do you like your steak?”

He walked back toward where I stood. “Medium rare, but medium is okay.”

“Sounds good.” I lifted the lid on the grill and put both our steaks on. Then I turned to face him. “I need to run inside and get the rest of our food. But while we eat, we need to talk about exactly what you want from a Daddy. So, while I do that, you think about what exactly it is that you’re looking for.”

I went inside and got the plates and the roasted vegetables. When I came back out, he didn’t look ready to talk, instead he looked a little anxious.

I put everything on the table and then went to the grill to flip the steaks.

“So, do you have any thoughts on what you’re looking for?” I prodded.

He shook his head. “I know we need to talk about it, but to be honest with you, I don’t know. I’ve only read about Daddies in books, but that’s fiction, not reality.”

“Hmm, well, tell me what you’ve read that you liked, and I’ll let you know if it’s something you could expect from a Daddy.”

He licked his lip before tucking it into his mouth and biting lightly. It looked to me like my boy had a nervous tell, and I had a feeling I knew what the problem was.

“I’m not going to think anything you say is stupid. I promise.”

He took a deep breath and huffed it out. “Okay. Well, you’ve been doing some of it already, like the way you message me in the mornings. I know you’re just doing it to be nice, but to me, it feels like you’re checking up on me, making sure I’m doing what I’m supposed to. I mean, I’ve been getting up and getting ready for work on my own for years now. So it’s not like I can’t manage myself. I do it all the time.” He shrugged. “I guess it’s nice to think that someone cares. That’s a nice way to start the day.”

I nodded. “So you like to have someone watching out for you and making sure you’re on track in the morning.”

“Not just in the morning. In general, I guess. And in some of the books, the Daddies will remind their boys of things they should do, like not to forget stuff…” He sat back and wrinkled his brows for a second. Then he smiled as he realized what he wanted to say. “Like, say I have book club that night. He might remind me that I have the books for the next month sitting in a book bag in the bedroom, and I need to take them with me.”

“This is all good to know and makes perfect sense to me.” I pulled the steaks off the grill and put the plate in the middle of the table. Then I took my seat across from him.

“This looks really good.” He filled his plate while I watched. There was always something really gratifying about seeing someone with a plate of food that you prepared for them.

“Hopefully, it’ll taste just as good.” I thought about suggesting that we wait to continue our talk until after dinner, but I decided it might be easier for him to talk while he was busy doing something. “So you don’t think you would get annoyed by someone reminding you of things?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, I could see why some people might get annoyed or offended, but I don’t think I would. I think it would make me feel cared for and seen.”

“So you like the caregiving part of the dynamic. What else?”

“Umm, maybe the rules.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, that could be one of those things that I only like in theory, though. The idea of knowing that someone knows me well enough to know what my bad habits are and that they took the time to set some rules and limits for me so I don’t have to do that for myself is appealing. Like self-discipline isn’t a strong suit for me.”

“Thus, the quick and easy food choices,” I pointed out.

“Right. But I like boundaries and rules. I always have.”

“They make you feel safe.” Fuck, could this boy be any more perfect if he tried? And he didn’t even know it.

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