Page 40 of King of Players

Slipping the notebook back into the bag, I whined, “The point is… I am a prude.”

“That wasn’t it.”

“I—I… a buzzkill? A party pooper? Am I completely incapable of having fun?”

“It just wasn’t the right time. Come on, Kaira. You and I both know that you were forced to grow up too soon. With your parents’ passing, you learned more about death than kids your age. And then, having to be raised by your grandparents—especially your grandmother with her tales of hell and eternal suffering—you became far too responsible before your peers even learned the word ‘responsible’. When your grandfather got sick, you mixed the roles of caregiver and student. You got confused, overwhelmed. You changed majors and never really got the chance to learn who you were or what you wanted.”

“And when he died…”

He nodded. “You felt responsible for your grandmother.”

“I owed her that.”

“Not that much, you didn’t. She was a grown woman; a rich woman with connections and a vibrant social life. You didn’t need to become her partner.”

“Her grief was overwhelming.”

“And what about yours? Wasn’t he the only father you had? Did you even get to process that the way you should have?”

“I’d already had too much to process.”

“I know. The estate, the foundation, your grandmother’s illness… and another cycle began.”

Flopping back against the backrest, I threw my arms in the air. “I’m fucked up! I’m hopeless!”

Marvin’s laughter made me momentarily angry. When I looked at him, he was shaking his head. “First of all, I think this is the first time for me to ever see you swear. It’s progress.”

“I’m glad you find my misery so amusing.”

“My point is; the purpose of retrospection here is learning, not dwelling or tearing yourself down.”

“It is a teachable moment, alright. I’m boring. That’s not tearing anyone down, I’m only stating a fact. What was I thinking getting involved with an actor?”

“Would it have been different if he were a… pilot? A businessman? A government official? Because these aren’t some random examples, these are real life personal friends of mine who lead very exciting, very satisfying sex lives.”

I tilted my head, giving him a dead look. “We’re saying the same thing, then. I’m the problem.”

Looking exasperated, Marvin deeply exhaled, looked away, then looked at me again. “Why did you really end things with Chad? Really… not the excuses you feed yourself so you can sleep at night.”

“I simply can’t live in a glass house, where every little detail of my existence is scrutinized by those who get paid to narrate a celebrity’s life.”

“Really, Kaira. This isn’t book club; it’s therapy.”

“I… I…” I looked away, not even knowing how to phrase it. “I was starting to get excited when somebody said his name.”

“And that’s what you were worried about.”

“And I always had the upper hand with logic, Marvin. The men I—I never had a boyfriend who didn’t love me more than I loved him. Of course, I loved them, but I knew the value I held in their hearts and minds. They knew my worth, and that was enough for me to tread with confidence. This—This is the first time for me to be with a man who’s all that, and… and I didn’t think he took me that seriously.”

“You feel like you were just another one of his conquests.”

“Yes. And I couldn’t live like that. I can’t. I need to feel special. Call me old fashioned, call me a hopeless romantic. But Chad… he kissed me the same way he kisses everyone.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I watched a film of his. I saw him shoot a commercial. It was all the same to him.”

“Yeah, but how can you really tell? I’ve been a therapist for decades, and even I can’t decode something like that. Unless you have some mind-reading powers, which I think… should be declared.” He let out a weak titter.

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