Page 24 of King of Players

“But you had a connection.”

I wanted to laugh, but it ended up being a strained, awkward titter. “I wouldn’t go as far as to call it that.”

“You knew he wasn’t going to hurt you.”

“Or perhaps I didn’t care?”

“You’re a lot of things, Kaira. Self-harming is not one of them. And you’re certainly not a masochist.” He paused. “Tell me… what happened after?”

“I was flustered, honestly. I know you’ll think this is completely pathetic, but I don’t think any man has ever made me…” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, so I looked away, gesturing with one hand. “I’ve never had an orgasm like that with anyone before.”

“Of course, an experience like that takes some time to sink in.”

“It was like I was flying and then suddenly dropped onto cold grounds.”

“Because you didn’t know him well?”

“Because I didn’t know that my body was capable of something like that!” I was starting to grow breathless just thinking about it. “Marvin, I—I… I was so worried that he could possibly see it all over my face. Am I explaining it right? For a moment, I lost all power over my body, my facial expressions, the sounds coming out of me, I… I felt so ashamed.”

“Ashamed of the pleasure that another human being was offering you?”

“No. But because he could’ve easily seen my surprise. My utter shock at how I was feeling. I… That should’ve been a boyfriend. Someone with whom I had conversations. Someone who knew me and cared for me. Someone who could hold me after, and tell me that it’s okay. That it’s normal.”

“But, then… what did he do?”

“He… he asked if he’d hurt me.” I shook my head, softly chortling and throwing my hands in the air as a sign of resignation. “That’s how pathetic I looked.”

“I’m curious. Why do you think he asked that?”

“Because I was so lost inside my own head that I… practically recoiled the second we were done.”

“So, his question was justified.” He paused, adjusting his position in the chair. “Now, let’s imagine a scenario where you could pause and, using a menu and a remote control, rewrite that scene. What would you rather have happened?”

“None of this, Marvin. An experience like that? To see me this vulnerable? It shouldn’t have been given to a stranger at all.”

“But there you were, the two of you. You had just orgasmed. He’s still there. How would you have gone about it differently?”

“Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe act less surprised and afraid? Show some grace? Smile? Kiss him?”

“But you didn’t say that he could’ve held you the way a boyfriend would.”

“What would it have meant if he had? Or if I’d let him? A hug after something like that sounds even more intimate. And I only know his name and profession.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? Harshly confining the concept of a hug?”

“No, you lost me. What do you mean?”

“I mean, sometimes… in this very messy world, and our crowded lives and minds and tragedies… sometimes, an orgasm is an orgasm. A hug is a hug. And what you need could very well be what you get, without strings attached.”

My lips parted as I pondered what he was saying. Marvin was somehow challenging me, and fully aware that had I been discussing someone else’s situation, I wouldn’t dare consider shaming them. My mind could somehow accept it for other people, but not for myself.

A question stood halfway in my throat, and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe unless I voiced it. “Marvin, do you think my views of love and sex are fucked up?”

His fatherly smile instantly returned. “Skewed, perhaps. A little rigid, if I dare say. But fucked up? That would be too harsh.”

“I want to see him again,” I declared, giving myself a pat on the back for having the courage to say it out loud.

Marvin’s smile stretched into a grin. “So, you are interested in knowing him.”

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