Page 54 of King of Justice

“Okay, okay.” I saw more light as she turned on the side lamp by the sofa before sitting down and leaning back. “Breathe… deep breaths now.”

I did as she asked, filling my lungs as I closed my eyes. “You don’t understand, I really fucked up.”

“Let it out without talking.”

Exhaling, I opened my eyes and snuffled. “Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.”

“Is this about the man you said you don’t love?” I slowly nodded before she added, “You still believe you don’t love him?”

Licking my lips, I let my eyes move upward, staring at the ceiling for a second. “There are lots of stages in between?”

“I haven’t seen you cry this hard since Kevin Blank on summer break.”

Despite my tears, I let out a brief titter. “You still remember that?”

“How could I forget? The first time a boy broke your heart.”

“Well, I wish it was that simple now. This time, a boy broke my heart… except, he was never even in it.”

“It’s the middle of the night. So if you’re going to speak in code, at least wait for me to make a coffee first.”

“How did dad do it?”

“Do what?”

“Remain in a marriage with you, after… everything he had been used to.”

“You mean, commit?”

“Yes? And more importantly, how did he get other women to understand that he was no longer the man they knew? I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle, mom. Everything about me somehow draws the wrong kind of attention, and when I finally find one that I want… it’s ruined.”

“What ruined it?”

“A big misunderstanding? Something you’d only see in movies.”

“But if it’s really a misunderstanding, then he needs to listen.”

“It was so bad, mom.” I shook my head as I hung it down in shame. “So awfully bad.”

“Then speak louder until he hears you.”

Staring at her loving face, I remained quiet for a moment, processing what she was suggesting. “Is that what dad did?”

“Do you know your guy as well as I knew your dad when that happened?”

“I can’t say that I do.”

“Then why does it matter?”

“Because I need some guidance? Something to hold on to.”

“Your dad is not the chatty kind and you know that. But his actions reassured me.”

“I don’t want to lose him, mom. I think he’s really a good one.”

“Well, if he cares about you, then I know he is.”

I shrugged. “I’m so messed up, I can’t tell if you’re right.”

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