Page 59 of All Because I Found You

Ryder took a sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving her. Heat bloomed in her cheeks as his intense gaze bore into her.

“What?” she asked.

“It just amazes me how someone so small can make so much noise.”

“Shut up.”

She took a deep breath then decided just to ask what had been on her mind. “My best friend and her husband invited me out to dinner, and I wanted to know if you want to go with us.”

Ryder froze at her words, the easy tilt of his lips, pressing into a thin line. “Why?”

“I’m dating this absolute amazing man, and I want to tell people about him, show him off, and I can’t. Honestly, it kind of sucks.” She knew going into this relationship, it wouldn’t be easy. Ryder was a complicated man with complicated problems. “But I get it. I do.”

“Do you?” There was an edge to his tone.

“I do, but at the same time, I don’t. There is no reason for you to hide. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She remembered the accident, remembered reading about it. It was determined the other driver was at fault. But for some reason, Ryder refused to remember it that way. Refused to release this guilt that kept him hidden in his house away from the outside world.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His words were harsh and final as he turned away from her.

***

Ryder’s jaw clenched. Raelyn had no idea. He had plenty of reason to hide, to stay as far away from people. The accident had been all over the news, they know that he was the one driving that night. They know he was the only one who survived the accident.

And even if he could somehow forget about it, if his inability to deliver a corkscrew was any indication of how he’d handle himself around people, it was best for everyone if he sat this one out. He’d been delusional to think that he could be anybody but what he’d become.

He couldn’t even look at fucking blueprints without falling to pieces. He thought looking at the blueprints would excite him like it did back when he had drawn them up, but all it did was remind him that Dad wasn’t here to help him. Mom wasn’t around to cheer him on, and Callie wasn’t there to give her unsolicited opinion. The three people that were the heart and soul of those plans were dead. Dead because of him.

He couldn’t put the lid back on the stupid box fast enough and shove it in the closet where it belonged along with his ridiculous notion that he was moving forward. That life was finally getting better for him. It wasn’t. His parents were still dead. His sister was still dead. And the thought of meeting Raelyn’s friends made his heart race and his hands sweat.

They’d know about the accident. Everyone in town did. Even if they didn’t, they’d see his scars and know that tragedy followed him like a big black cloud.

She took his hand, providing comfort he wasn’t sure he needed or wanted. Her brown eyes met his and the softness in her gaze, the purity of her soul shining through. “It’s not your fault, Ryder.” He tried to rip his hand away from hers, but she held tight. “It’s not your fault.”

“Stop saying that.”

Her thumb gently caressed the rough skin of his knuckles. “It’s not your fault.”

He was so sick of hearing it. Gene had said it over and over again, but they were words. There was no truth within the syllables.

“Stop.” He yanked, successfully ripping his hand out of her grip.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I said stop!” His voice cracked like a whip, echoing through the entire house. Raelyn’s eyes widened, but she didn’t stumble. She held strong, standing exactly as she was just a little taller.

“No, I won’t. Because I cannot sit back and watch you waste another ten years of your life. You are still young. You have so much left to live for.”

“Raelyn, please.” He couldn’t listen to this, couldn’t stand here and let her try to take his guilt away. It was all he had left. He needed the guilt to remind him that he didn’t take another route home, that he didn’t swerve fast enough, or turn the wheel, so he took most of the force and not his father and sister. He couldn’t forget that the choices he made in that moment set the course of his life. That if he thought quicker, moved faster, he might have been able to spare at least one of their lives if not all.

Raelyn was right when she said she couldn’t understand because she never would. The guilt was his and his alone for reasons far outside of her realm.

“Ryder.” She rested her hand on his arm, and he closed his eyes as a battle raged in his mind. He wanted to take her in his arms, but he also wanted to walk away and lock himself in his room until she left. Both sides were refusing to back down, and his mind was breaking in two. He didn’t know if he should give into emotions or guilt. “I’m sorry.” She moved into him, resting her head on his chest, and he broke. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight, refusing to let her go. He forced the guilt to back the hell away, and he held onto the emotions that this beautiful woman brought out of him.

He might deserve a reprieve from the guilt, but damn it, he was going to take it. He pulled back, resting his forehead against hers. “If anyone is sorry, it’s me. I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be. Need me to be.”

“No.” She looked up, her brown eyes locking on his. Her hand cupped his jaw, and he relished in the warmth and gentleness of her touch. “You are the man I need. You’re just a little complicated is all.”

“A little?”

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