A distraction, that’s what he needed, but there was nothing out here but fields.
So he did the next thing that popped into his head, trying not to think about the ramifications.
He kissed her.
When he captured her mouth with his, she gave a little moan of protest and tried to push him away, but he held her head securely in place, curving his fingers around the back of her neck. After a few rapid heartbeats, he felt her relax against him. The wetness on his cheeks told him she was crying silent tears of fear and horror.
It sucked that she was out here, fleeing for her life.
She didn’t deserve this.
Didn’t deserve to see the level of death and destruction that he’d wrought on their enemy and would again if the need arose.
He couldn’t erase the images in her brain. She’d have to live with it for the rest of her life. All he could do was take her mind off it, get her anxiety under control.
He kept his lips pressed against hers, gentler now that she wasn’t so tense. She yielded, her mouth opening under the pressure of his lips. His tongue slid against hers, and he was relieved to feel her reciprocate. He kept the kiss light, not delving too deeply, not wanting to startle her any more than she already was.
It was hard because damn, she tasted good.
She felt good too. Her body was soft, with desirable curves in all the right places.
With a muffled sob, she flung her hands around his neck. He released her mouth and gave her space to cry. She clung to him, her tears wet against his face, and they sat like that for a moment. Before he expected, she gave a deep, shuddering breath and got herself under control.
Slowly, he pulled away. Her curious eyes glistened with tears, but they weren’t glazed over with shock anymore, and her breathing appeared to be normal.
His approach might have been unorthodox, but it worked.
Lily let go of him and scooted over.
He removed his arm from around her shoulders, giving her space, and was surprised to find himself wishing it was still there.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall apart. It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone shot before yesterday, and now?—”
“I know.” He gave a stiff nod. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been necessary.”
A reluctant nod. “I knew it would happen at some point, but I didn’t think it would affect me so much.”
“It always does, the first time.”
“Even for you?” She stared up at him, looking for reassurance.
“Even for me.” He’d stopped thinking about his first kill years ago, but at the time, it had affected him. How could it not?
“Joe used to have nightmares,” she said, after a beat.
Blade frowned. “He did?”
She gave a sad nod. “He’d wake up screaming, drenched in sweat. Once, he even tried to strangle me in my sleep. He thought I was the enemy.” Her shoulders heaved in a desolate shrug. “But then he woke up and realized what he was doing.”
“Christ.” Blade was appalled. “Why didn’t he say anything?”
Spade hadn’t mentioned he was suffering from nightmares or flashbacks. His performance in the unit had been stellar. If he’d been struggling with PTSD, he’d managed to keep it under wraps.
“He didn’t want to be kicked out of the squad.”
Blade sighed. If they’d known, they would have had to suspend him pending a psych evaluation. “I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t know.”
She shook her head sadly, “It’s not your fault. He didn’t tell anyone. Not even his father.”