Page 100 of The Two Halves of My Heart

“Hey,” I spoke into the air, standing over his grave.

It had felt strange the first time, speaking to nobody, but after a few times, a part of my pain eased as I said the words I wanted Maddison to hear. As though by talking to him, I was keeping a part of him alive in my heart. That gave me a sliver of peace at his death and made it easier to comprehend that he would never answer me again, never push me, or fight with me.

The acceptance was hard, and it didn’t make me miss him any less. More that it became easier to bear.

“Has Grace been by today?” I crouched down, resting on my haunches and bowing my head. “She’s not doing so well, Mads. She’s stuck in this haze and refuses to help herself out of it. She blames herself, the guilt from that day is stuck, and it’s those feelings she’s accepted rather than coming to terms with your loss and dealing with her grief.”

There were two versions of Maddison that I now held in my mind—the one that loved Grace for all she was, who would argue with me for her attention but would protect and help her above all else. And then there was the arrogant version, that only pursued Grace because he had to win, and when that wasn’t enough, he pushed and pushed until he was king of his world.

That was the Maddison who got killed, but it wasn’t the one I wanted to remember.

“Help me out, Mads. I don’t know how, but you’ve got to let her go.” I stood and took a step back as the raindrops began to splash on the path. The tip-tapping of the drops on the leaves around the church was peaceful, soothing, in a way.

I sensed her before she said anything, and I wondered if she’d leave to try and avoid me, but I didn’t want to give her that chance today.

“Hi, Grace.” I turned and saw her several metres up the path, clutching her umbrella. Her long hair spilt out from her collar and danced in the breeze.

She approached with tentative steps, and I hoped the sadness I felt wasn’t reflected in my face.

“Hi.”

“You haven’t been in touch for a little bit. How’s your job? Settled in?”

“It’s fine.” She stared straight ahead and didn’t bring her eyes to look at mine.

For all the years we’d been friends, we’d avoided awkward silences. Now, they punctuated our time together with a tension so thick, it sucked away all the good.

“Grace, why don’t you come back –”

“No. I’m happy here.”

“It’s raining. Let’s catch up.” I reached for her hand, but she pulled away, stepping back from me.

The memory of her squeezing my hand—of her holding onto me so tightly that her nails formed little crescents on the side of my palm—flashed into my mind. I wondered if there would ever be a way to reach that again.

“Grace, don’t do that. I know you’re hurting. I am, too.”

“No, you’re not. Not like me.”

“Then tell me. Help me understand.” The urge to comfort her, caused me to tear up, but I refused to approach and balled my fists at my side instead.

She looked around the churchyard as if anyone else might be here. And then her eyes looked right past me to the name carved into stone.

“I loved both of you. When we were kids, it was easy.” Her head tipped to the side as if that was the explanation for all the troubles in the world. “We’d camp out and look at the stars, play out all day, and nothing else mattered. They were the best days of my life.”

“Mine too.” It was the truth.

“It worked back then. We were happy. You both owned half of my heart, and I’d have never chosen between you. I loved you both too much.” She finally looked at me with eyes filled with such misery that I was scared that I might drown.

“And then I left.” I finished for her.

“And I had to learn not to love you anymore.”

This was all such a mess, and as her words pierced me with guilt and regret, I wondered how I’d ever make things up to her.

“I couldn’t live without you, Grace.” She knew this. I’d spelt it out for her in my letters, and it was as true now as it had been then.

The rain started to drip from my hair and seeped into my jumper. I hadn’t noticed how heavy it had got.

“And now I have to learn not to love him.” Her voice quivered as she spoke, nodding towards the grave behind me.

“You don’t need to stop loving him, Grace.” I failed to keep my distance as every instinct in my body drove me to comfort her. I stopped short of wrapping her in my arms and settled for standing before her. At least this time she didn’t step away.

“It’s too hard, Oliver. This is all too hard. It shouldn’t be this way.” Tears swam in her eyes as I stared at her, wishing there was a way I could take all this pain and carry it for her.

Raindrops ran down my face and disguised my tears, as my heart broke for the girl I loved, all over again.

“I know, Grace. I know.”

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