Page 47 of The Two Halves of My Heart

We drove to the end of the lane and to our field. The oak that had witnessed so much of our fun as children still stood, shading the ground around it. We both climbed over the gate, instinctively knowing where to go. Grace sat down and rested against the trunk. This place—our spot—seemed fitting. The field was growing wild towards the far end. The grass left untended. I’d asked Dad about the land, and he said that the farm a few miles farther along owned it, although they hadn’t used the pasture for anything over the last few years.

I was stalling, looking out at the land before turning to Grace.

“I bet you’re excited to be finished at Uni. It feels a very long two years in front of me,” she mused.

I headed back to her and moved inside the shade of the tree. “It will fly by, you’ll see.”

“Maybe. Have you got any ideas about jobs or anything yet? Or even what you want to do? Maths is pretty generic.” She looked around the field, and I wondered if she was thinking about all of our shared memories here.

“There are a few plans in place. But there’s a catch. Most of the jobs I want are all in London.”

“London?” She whipped her head to me as she questioned my answer.

“Yeah. I’ve accepted a graduate programme, actually.”

“Wow, that’s great. London —” Her enthusiasm died on her lips as I saw her work through the ramifications, her eyes lowered as she thought.

“It’s for the best. It’s time I moved on.” I reached out my arm and offered a hand for her to stand.

Her scowl furrowed her brow. “What do you mean? Why would London be best?”

“It will give us the break we all need, but we’re not willing to acknowledge. That kiss finally made me see what was right in front of me.”

“It didn’t mean anything, it was just a heat of the moment thing,” she pleaded, and I saw the emotion gather as tears in her eyes. She hadn’t let go of the hand I’d given to her.

“I think it meant something to Maddison, and I think it meant something to you. Just like it would mean something to you if I had kissed you.”

She dropped her head, but I saw the rise and fall of her chest as she hid her tears. I took the time to gather my own strength to get through the next part, already feeling like the villain in this story.

“I’ve loved you forever. But I can’t do this to us anymore. I won’t take you away from him. I can’t do it.”

“You love me?” She looked up at me, and I watched as her eyes, always such a bright, clear blue, haze with questions. If she genuinely didn’t realise the depth of my feelings for her, then I had nobody but myself to blame.

“Of course, I do. But that’s not enough. Not for us. And I’m choosing to take the decision from you.”

“What decision?” She squeezed my hand as if holding them in her grip would lend her strength.

“The one you will never make.”

“What about you? Or me? Don’t I have a say, now?”

“You do. But you can’t make the decision you need to. You’ll never hurt either one of us, so let me do this for you. Let me bear that pain.”

Her jaw tightened as if she was chewing over her response, but she was silent, only the tree’s gentle rustle to disturb us.

“I love you.” Her words were soft and choked with pain, but I heard them. Like a magic painkiller, they took away all the doubt I’d felt, all the hurt from the last decade. And they vindicated me. This was the right decision I needed to make because everything I’d felt and hoped for all these years, was true.

“I know. And I love you. I doubt you’ll ever know how much. But you love him, too.”

“I can’t fathom my days without you in them.” The anguish in her voice pierced my soul.

“You’ll have him. You’ll have each other. And that’s why I’m doing this.”

“But we aren’t even together? We’ve barely spoken since the fight. You’re assuming I’d want to choose him over you. I don’t. I choose both of you.” Her voice rose with determination as if she could stop this from unfolding.

“If something doesn’t change, we’ll end up lost and broken forever. I can’t cope with that, not when I can make a difference.”

“You’re breaking my heart right now. How is that right?” she sobbed out.

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