Page 43 of The Two Halves of My Heart

“So, will you come? I need you there, Grace.” He clasped both of my hands in his and held onto them like they were precious.

Need. It was a powerful word. And as soon as his lips spoke it, my gut churned and rolled. I wanted to be his need. That was my own need, right there. And so, despite every fibre of me believing this would be a bad idea, I wanted to go because Mads needed me.

His eyes searched mine as if the answer were already written in them. I couldn’t say anything yet, fearful that my voice would betray me and choke with emotion, so my head did the nodding and confirmed what he wanted.

The waitress arrived at the perfect moment and gave me something to do rather than run terrible scenarios over in my mind. Maddison pulled back his hand and picked up his burger. Eating replaced conversation, and I lined up the questions I wanted to ask him for the drive home. I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye or hide how scared this made me feel.

“Thank you, Grace. I couldn’t do this without you.” It was the only other thing we said until we were back at the car. Safely inside, I let the questions fire off.

“Does Oliver know? About you fighting?”

“No, you’re the first I’ve told. But I need him to watch you while I can’t.”

“What?”

“In the club. You can’t be there on your own, so I need Oliver to watch you.”

“Why fighting? You could do anything else rather than that.”

“Because I’m good at it.”

“You’re good at lots of things.” My frustration mixed with fear for my friend and came out tight and brittle.

“Wrong. I’m not good at everything. I was good at sport, but only because of my size and my temper, never good enough to play as a career. I scraped through my exams and pretty much failed my A-Levels.”

“Study isn’t for everyone. Loads of options are available that don’t result in you getting beaten up.” My voice softened as I pleaded with him to see reason.

“Fuck that shit.” He slammed his hand down on the wheel, silencing my next volley. “I want to do this because I’m good at it. To prove to myself that I can and make some money. I see Oliver going off and making something of his life. And you’ll be doing the same. Do you two ever think how I feel, stuck behind and playing catch up? Well, this is how I do that, Grace. How I want to do it. It’s no different to going into the army.”

“It’s loads different, Mads. Please.” Panic filtered through as if he was about to go and climb into the ring right now.

“No. You don’t get to talk me out of this. I need you there for me, and you already agreed. End of story.”

I turned my head and looked out the window, searching for words. All the books I’d read and studying I’d done, and I couldn’t find the right angle or string of words to talk my friend out of this. Although, would I want him enlisting in the army—travelling overseas to fight a war? That thought terrified me just as much, but at least he’d be serving our country. He’d be trained for it.

What Mum had told me about my dad came to mind. I hadn’t told anyone about it yet. Not Oliver. Not Maddison. I’d made my choice to stay to keep my mother happy, and I had no intention of looking for my father or answers I didn’t need but hearing what Mads was going to do made it all sound all too real.

We pulled up to my house, and he turned off the engine. “Look, just be there for me. Please? I would never do anything stupid. You just have to trust me, okay?” He pulled my hands up to his mouth and kissed them. It was such a sincere gesture, I couldn’t help but soften to his plea.

My head did the nodding thing again as I tried to calm the beating of my heart. I pulled my hands back, but I couldn’t leave yet. I leaned over the gearstick and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him at this awkward angle. It served the purpose—his arms around me settled something inside of me, a panic that was starting to take over.

“When?” I whispered, my voice strangled with emotion.

“Next week. I’ll text you the details. Oliver will have the instructions and come to pick you up. Just make sure you’re somewhere I can see you at the start.”

“Do I have to watch… all of it?”

“Just let me see you at the start, okay.”

The week was hard. Every day I battled with the craving to run to Maddison and beg him not to go through with this. But I didn’t. He’d set out why he felt he needed to do this. Just because I disagreed, shouldn’t mean I would stand in his way. At least until after the fight, and he got this out of his system. My silent hope stayed very much that.

Oliver picked me up, just like Mads had told me he would, and took me into town.

“You’re quiet.”

“Yep,” was my only response. I wasn’t sure what else to say. Fear and anger built inside of me, and it had no avenue to escape.

“He’ll be okay.” Oliver tried to reassure me, and while he normally had such a calming and reassuring influence over me, I knew it wouldn’t work here.

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