Page 101 of The Two Halves of My Heart

Chapter 32

Grace

I’d never set foot in our village church before.

It had stood on the hill watching over the houses and the people below for all of the years I’d lived here. I’d never had a reason to give it much thought, other than a passing glance.

Now, I visited all the time. Or rather, I visited one gravestone in particular, situated at the far end of the graveyard, accessed via a sloping path through plots of grass all higgledy-piggledy with headstones.

I stared at his name carved into the marble stone—it was grey—a permanent reflection of my mood.

And after months, it hadn’t eased.

I woke up, went to work, came home and repeated. There was no fire or excitement—nothing to brighten the day, or my soul anymore. How could I be happy when Maddison was dead?

It was the guilt I couldn’t move past. So much guilt. It invaded every molecule of my being, weighing me down like I was carrying the weight of Maddison around with me wherever I went.

First, it was from the day he died. Not being there for him when he needed me the most ate away at me, gnawing at my gut from the inside. It had been my doing—my failure that forced him into that fight.

But that burden faded when the logic of distance allowed me to see clearly. I even questioned if Maddison would have gone through with the fight regardless of what I’d said, and that he just wanted me there for him. Of course, he couldn’t answer my questions. Everything was rhetorical when it came to him now.

Next, the guilt shifted to me being alive while Maddison wasn’t. That made less sense to me than blaming myself, but it didn’t stop me from wallowing in it for a few weeks. I cursed Maddison this time, angry that he’d left me after promising to be with me forever. But I had ended our relationship because of the path he was following, so the guilt fell back on me. Again.

And the final phase of my guilt was over Oliver.

Maddison and I had broken up, but that didn’t stop me loving him. I wasn’t sure when I’d stopped loving Oliver, and like always, when I needed him the most, he was there for me. He’d held my hand as we’d fought for Maddison. He’d kept me safe when all I could see was Maddison’s body lying dead in front of me. And he’d been the one that refused to give up on my hopelessness, reminding me constantly that there was something to live for.

And the guilt overtook, shutting down everything in my body until I felt sick because through all of this tragedy and pain, I could see a way out, with my heart beating again. Not intact, but repaired, because Oliver would love me until he mended every last fissure and break of my heart, and it was so hard to fight my feelings from re-kindling when he was so determined to show me how he still loved me.

It hadn’t even been a year since Maddison had passed. Surely, that wasn’t enough time to wait? And I shouldn’t be having any kind of thoughts of happiness until I’d finished grieving.

But my love story with Oliver was stitched into the fabric of our past and the friendship we’d formed in childhood. It was such a pivotal part of my life—it shaped who I was as a person, what I want to do with my life. It was hard to ignore the draw of familiarity when everything around me had crumbled into darkness.

I’d read countless times that people were only destined to have one great love—their true love. Well, I believed I’d had two. And now I could see a second chance at that love once again. But the dark was a scary place, and it was all I could see. I’d already lost two loves. First, Oliver when he’d left, and now Maddison, and there was no way to bring him back.

I placed the small sprig of flowers on the grave and removed the ones that had withered and died. Maddison had never appreciated flowers, but I felt the need to ensure he knew he deserved them.

Fear kept my guilt company today. Fear that I’d never learn to master my feelings and overcome them. And fear that I’d be trapped, grieving, and wouldn’t have the courage to do what was right for me.

Weeks had sped past, and Oliver continued to message me. He tried to make plans for us, talk to me, or visit. He’d ask about the job, about books, or Bob. And I did do my best to ignore him and pushed him away, even when his presence calmed that small fragment of my soul still struggling for life. I’d refused to choose between Oliver and Maddison once before, and now I felt like I was right back where I’d been all those years ago.

I moved to leave, confused and adrift in a sea of uncertainty. My visit here had only caused those emotions to swell inside of me, and I wondered if coming here was keeping me tethered to Maddison, but it hurt too much when I contemplated leaving him alone.

As I turned, I watched Oliver start down the path towards me. My feet rooted me to the ground and prevented me from fleeing. He ambled forward, and I held my breath in anticipation of what he’d say or ask today.

“Hey.” He paused in front of me and prevented me from escaping. His hair was back to the darker shade I’d always recognised since being back in the less-then-sunny UK. He’d tried to tell me about his travels a few times, but I was not ready to hear how wonderful anything was yet.

“Let me take those.” He reached for the dead flowers, his fingers grazed my hand, but he just wrapped his hand around mine.

“No, Oliver.” But his hand held mine firmly as I tried to pull away.

“No more hiding. No more running. Tell me why you keep treating me like I’ve wronged you in some way.” His voice was gentle, but I could hear the hurt in his words.

“You haven’t done anything to wrong me.”

“Then what? I came back because I couldn’t live without you, and I’d accepted that you might be with Maddison. But since he’s been gone, you’ve shut me out completely. I feel like I’ve lost my friend as well as my brother.”

Panic swarmed around as he confronted me. I didn’t have any answers for him, at least none that made sense. I ripped my hand free, but still felt the pressure on my skin as I took a final look at him and turned, retreating.

---