Page 43 of Spanish Marriage Solution

When he’d told himself he wasn’t going to fall over that precipice, he hadn’t realised he’d already fallen.

That was why it was so very disappointing. Why, even if he didn’t want it to, it changed everything. Why he couldn’t hold her to their marriage and wouldn’t.

She’d told him it was a choice, and it was. She’d taken his heart, there was nothing he could do about that, but he could choose not to take hers in return.

‘What do you mean you’d already given it to me?’ Alice said softly, her anger giving way to surprise and a dawning hope.

But he couldn’t allow that hope. It would be better for her if he crushed it completely, if he failed her now before he failed her at some later stage, when it would hurt her even more.

And he would fail her. He’d failed his mother, his father, and Emily, and he didn’t see how it was possible not to fail Alice. Diego would take everything he had to give, and he didn’t have anything left for anyone else. His son would have to come first; he had to.

She never wanted to be anyone’s second choice.

No, and it killed him that she would be. But it had to be this way. With any luck, she’d understand.

‘My heart, Alice,’ he said roughly. ‘You had it the moment I saw you and so I had nothing to give Emily.’

‘What?’ She’d gone pale. ‘So it’s my fault? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘No, mi cielo, that’s not what I’m saying.’ He wanted to hold her, but he couldn’t allow himself that. He could never allow himself anything, that was clear. He’d thought he’d be able at least to have her in his life and at his side, but he couldn’t, and he’d been selfish to think so. ‘You weren’t to blame for anything. As you said so eloquently, it’s definitely a me problem. Because I loved you, I couldn’t give Emily what she wanted, what she needed, and what I should have done was let her go. But I didn’t. Selfishly, I wanted to prove that I could be a good husband, but I ended up proving the opposite.’

Mean and petty and cruel. Just like your father.

‘No,’ Alice breathed, the colour rushing back into her face. ‘No, that’s not true. You were a great—’

‘I was not,’ he interrupted flatly. ‘Just like I wasn’t a good son. My father was jealous and vindictive, and I made him worse. I got Javier fired. I didn’t love Emily the way she should have been loved and ended up causing her so much pain.’ His jaw ached but he made himself go on. ‘Love is cruelty and pain. And everyone I love I fail. So I’m choosing now not to fail you. Do you understand?’

She was shaking her head, still staring at him in shock. ‘No, Sebastian. No, I don’t understand. You haven’t failed anyone.’ She took another step, getting close to him and he had to take a step back. He didn’t want her near. She was too much of a temptation to him already and he was too weak when it came to her.

‘I love you, Alice,’ he said, allowing himself the luxury of saying the words once, out loud, because he would never say them again. ‘But I’m not letting my heart make my choices for me, not this time. I’m going to give everything I have to Diego. Everything. He is the one person I have no choice about and he’s only a baby. You will find someone else, another man who—’

‘Are you serious right now?’ Bright sparks of anger leapt in her eyes. ‘Are you really saying that I need to turn around and look elsewhere?’

‘I’m not choosing you, Alice,’ he said roughly. ‘That’s what you always wanted. You wanted to be someone’s first choice and I can’t give you that. I can’t give you anything but hurt and disappointment.’

‘Do you really think I want to be put ahead of Diego?’ Her voice was fierce, hot. ‘Do you really think I’d demand that you put me ahead of my four-month-old nephew?’

‘No, but I—’

‘You’re damn right, I wouldn’t,’ she interrupted furiously. ‘And you’re a coward for even thinking that I would. A coward for using Diego as an excuse.’

He stiffened in outrage. ‘I’m not using him as an excuse!’

‘Aren’t you?’ Abruptly she stormed up to him, her dress sweeping out behind her, all the fierce passion of her soul blazing in her eyes. ‘You’re using him as a reason not to even try, Sebastian. And all so you can avoid the possibility of failing.’

His own temper leapt high. ‘I’m not afraid!’

‘You are!’ She drew herself up to her full height, magnificent as a goddess in her anger. ‘You’re afraid. And you’re afraid because even now, even after all this time, you’re still trying to make it up to your father.’

‘No,’ he said furiously. ‘That was years ago.’

‘So why are you still doing it? Why is failure the only thing you can think of when you look at me? Do you think I’m demanding? Is that it?’

‘No, love is demanding, Alice.’ This time he took a step, getting close to her, letting her feel his hopeless rage. ‘It’s vindictive and cruel and it expects everything from you. And I have nothing to give. Nothing.’

She didn’t back away, she just stared right back at him. ‘You’re wrong,’ she said flatly. ‘It’s not love that’s vindictive and cruel and demanding. That was all your father. He was the issue, not love. And not you. Never you. I don’t know why you get the two confused, but what I do know is that it’s not me you’re protecting, it’s yourself.’

‘I’m not—’

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