Page 36 of Spanish Marriage Solution

She didn’t know why he was choosing now to talk about this, and, given how emotionally fragile she felt already, she should have found both his question and his touch intrusive. Yet she didn’t. He was so gentle and maybe that was why her heart hurt so much. Because she could hear the sympathy in his voice, as if what had happened to her was important to him, as if it mattered.

Yet another reason to love him.

For some inexplicable reasons tears prickled in her eyes, though she fought them back. ‘I did,’ she said huskily. ‘And it wasn’t just the baby and its future I lost, but also any possibility of having another and all the futures that went with it.’

His gaze was warm, his fingers still tracing her scar gently, as if he were soothing it and her. ‘When did it happen?’

‘About two years after Edward and I got married. It was my...first pregnancy.’

He glanced down at the scar. ‘I saw a light go out inside you at some point. I always wondered what happened. Now I know you were grieving.’

A little shock ran through her that he’d noticed the change in her because no one else had apart from Emily. But yes, he was right, she’d been grieving.

‘Edward wanted to move on,’ she said, even though it felt disloyal to say. ‘He was kind, don’t get me wrong, but he thought the sooner we put it behind us, the better. He didn’t want to discuss it either. He mentioned surrogates and adoptions initially, but...’ She stopped, stripped bare by the pain of the memories even though it had been years ago, and by another, somehow deeper pain that had only just occurred to her. Sebastián wanted more children yet she would never be able to give them to him. She would never carry his baby. Never.

The knife in her heart twisted.

‘Alice,’ Sebastián said, his expression full of concern. ‘We don’t have to talk about it if it’s too painful.’

She set her jaw, forcing away the hurt the way she always did. ‘No, it’s okay. It’s been years and I’m over it.’

He said nothing for a long moment, looking at her, the compassion in his eyes making her want to weep despite everything. ‘Were you ever allowed to grieve properly?’ he asked softly. ‘Were you ever allowed to mourn?’

The question felt as if he were twisting in the knife even harder, yet there was nothing but understanding in his expression. Grief was no stranger to either of them, she realised, and he knew loss when he saw it.

‘No,’ she admitted. ‘I don’t think I was. I don’t think I...let myself grieve. Edward was patient with me but...’ She swallowed, wanting to say it even though, again, it was another disloyal thought. ‘I always had the impression that he wasn’t as upset about it as I was and that he didn’t think it was as important as I did. Even later, he never followed up on adoptions or anything.’ She took a breath, suddenly weighed down by grief. ‘I’ll never be able to have your child, Sebastián. Never.’ She hadn’t meant to cry and yet there were tears in her eyes, and then his hands were reaching for her, pulling her close, his arms folding around her.

He didn’t speak, only held her, and somehow the warmth of his presence and the strength of his arms had her weeping into his chest as the pain cut its way through her heart. He remained silent, holding her tightly, giving her space to grieve for the baby she lost and all those futures. For her failure of a marriage and for the husband who hadn’t really loved her. And for her sister, whom she’d loved even though she’d betrayed her.

Eventually her sobs ran dry and he kept holding her, stroking her hair and murmuring soft words in Spanish that were inexplicably comforting.

Another reason to love him.

Her eyes were scratchy and her throat was sore and her heart ached and ached. She wished passionately that the day she’d met him she’d been true to her heart and recognised the feeling for what it was. That she’d been honest with her husband and left him instead of fighting for something that neither of them had wanted any more.

But she hadn’t. And now all she was left with was her broken, shattered heart that somehow still managed to beat for a man who thought the worst thing in the world would be to love her back.

She had no idea what she was going to do.

‘I could tell you that I don’t care that you won’t have my child,’ Sebastián said after a long moment, his deep voice rumbling in her ear. ‘I do care. But I also care about you and your pain. But you know that Diego will be our child in every way there is. And we will have more, I promise it.’

It did matter to him. It did. That was what she’d wanted from Edward, just some sign that he felt the loss too, yet Edward had never given it to her. But Sebastián had. And it felt good to know he felt the same way, and also that he felt all wasn’t lost.

Of course they would have Diego and others, too.

She lifted her damp face from his chest, and looked up at his hard, carved features. His expression was fierce, as was the burning look in his eyes. It was clear that this was a promise he intended to keep.

Yet another reason to love him.

She wished she didn’t keep thinking that. She wished her heart would stop reminding her that this man was the only one for her.

‘What about Emily?’ she asked, her voice still thick with tears. ‘Did you want children with her?’

He reached to gently brush the tears from her face. ‘Yes. But she didn’t, not right away. She wanted to wait a few years. That was okay with me initially, because I was busy in the stables. I didn’t insist either, because I wanted to give her time to adjust to our marriage and to living in Spain.’ He pushed a curl behind her ear. ‘Like Edward, she didn’t want to have the discussion about children. She kept avoiding it. And then Diego arrived.’

‘You really thought he was yours?’

‘I had no reason to believe otherwise. And when I did find out, it genuinely made no difference to how I felt about him. In fact, after I found out I became even more certain that he would be my son.’

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