Page 66 of Finding Emotion

“Of course not.” Mandy reached out, but when Skylar stiffened, she let her hand drop. “You’ll need a good contract lawyer to verify the best path forward, but from my review, you may be able to pull your next planned album from them and use it to launch your career fresh.”

“It’s not about my fucking career!” Skylar’s nerves would no longer let her sit. The pings from the zippers on her boots echoed in her ears as she paced. “It’s to keep Jack’s goddamn mouth shut.”

Sorcha had thrown her, doing an interview like that, but even while she’d been trying to degrade her, she’d spun it the way Skylar preferred. She was the one that satisfied as many men as she wanted. She wasn’t weak and pathetic while a bunch of guys forced her body to obey their whims. Her hands shook, and she curled them into fists. Jack had threatened to tell the world how much she enjoyed every fucking second of it. Only his father had stepped in. “No. I won’t fucking have it! No one needs to know.”

Mandy rose from the couch, tracking her continued pacing with those steady eyes. “Skylar, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“You don’t know.” Skylar’s breath hitched as her head began to pound. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Orgasms during rape are more common than anyone discusses. The statistics are skewed due to—”

“I’m not a fucking number!” Skylar crouched where she was, her hands moving up to her aching head. She should have been better than that. If she hadn’t taken the stupid drugs, she could have regained control. She knew she could have.

“I’m sorry, Skylar.” Mandy hovered beside her, hands raised but not touching her. “We don’t have to talk about it. I still think therapy—”

“I’ve heard it all, okay?” Mandy had been pushing her ever since she’d walked in on that one panic attack. Skylar preferred dealing with it herself instead of shaking in front of some counselor. “It’s the whole tickle thing. You can hate being tickled, but you’re still going to laugh. It’s so fucking stupid.” She stared down at one of the zippers on her boots. “I’ve been handling it, but I need it to not fucking come up.” And she was certain Jack’s father would keep him in check, out of business sense if not sentimentality.

“Do you truly believe this choice gives you control, Skylar?” Mandy asked.

“Fuck off. I—” Her lungs seized as reality hit her. Skylar’s body shuddered as her heart raced. She couldn’t say it, not with her lack of air. No, she wasn’t in control. She’d given Casemore all the cards. Handed them to him with a smile. She couldn’t breathe.

“I’m here, Skylar. Deep breaths. You can do this.” A hand began rubbing her back.

The laughter in her head caused the pounding to return, and her heart raced.

“Should I call Damon?” Mandy asked.

The rubbing on her back became soothing when she imagined Damon doing it. Her head continued to pound, but she managed to suck in a bit of air. What had he said earlier? The laughter faded. The voices she hated didn’t appear. Instead it was his, saying he didn’t share.

And a melody that took up the rest of the space in her head.

Her body relaxed after long minutes of taking breaths. She collapsed to her side, letting her cheek rest on the carpet as the final shakes faded. Her eyes found Mandy’s figure beside her. Her former manager had tears running down her face.

“I’m sorry.” Mandy continued to cry.

“It happens.” Skylar couldn’t shrug properly where she rested. “I’d kind of been holding it off from earlier.”

Mandy frowned, wiping at her face and smearing her glasses. “The panic attacks have been happening more frequently. I thought it was because you finally realized, and I was hoping to push you that one step further.” She removed her glasses, using her shirt to wipe at them. “I shouldn’t have pushed. It’s not my place.”

“I’d say.” Skylar fumbled the aroma vial out of her pocket. “You’re not even my manager anymore.” The scent of elderflowers was soothing, but she kind of wished it was cotton and sunshine instead.

“About that. I was hoping you’d hire me yourself.” Mandy flushed when Skylar stared at her. “I understand if you’d rather—”

“Can I afford you?” Skylar asked. “I always figured you were hella expensive.”

“You never spend money. You prefer to make the label pay for everything.” Mandy fumbled her glasses back on. “It’s the one revenge tactic I approved of, to an extent.”

Skylar’s legs stretched out as she rolled to her back. She wasn’t ready to sit up quite yet. “Why now?” She frowned. “It was the meeting yesterday, wasn’t it? What Jack said?”

“The way you caved in his balls made me want to cheer, but no, it’s Damon, actually.”

“Damon?” Skylar scowled up at the ceiling. “Like, what, I need a guy to do this?”

“You only need yourself, Skylar.” Mandy sighed. “I’d love to talk about guys with you, but it’s not him, not exactly. I meant more the possibilities the media popularity has provided. Even the Casemores want to use it. My preference is for you to use it for yourself.”

Skylar frowned. “It’ll take longer than that if I do this contract-breaking thing. I agreed to publicly break it off with Damon when we go our separate ways on tour.”

“Cancelling your tour might be best as you figure out your contract. Besides, are you certain breaking up is what you both want?” Mandy narrowed her eyes on her. “You’re not convincing me that there isn’t something real there now.”

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