Page 28 of Professor Obsessed

I slept with him. My stomach heaved, I ran to the bathroom throwing my head over the toilet just barely making it as I puked my fucking guts out. I begged him, another heave sent my head spinning as the images of the explicit nights played through my mind. The pressure throbbed behind my eyes as I coughed up the last remnants of anything I'd had left in my system.

The cold of the tile chilled my sweating body as I leaned back against the bathtub. My heart raced, my chest throbbed with every breath I took. The whispers of a migraine floated through my head as the pressure intensified behind my eyes.

I asked for the truth and that’s exactly what he gave me. Hauling my body off the floor, I looked in the mirror taking in the mess that was my face. My eyes were bloodshot red, popped vessels from crying and throwing up assaulted my reflection.

Great.

Images of the women on Chase’s walls flew through my vision. The online articles describing what happened to Lacey, then hearing it confirmed from Chase’s lips. It was almost like every single time I was around him, I lost all sense. My body would immediately get aroused and before I knew it, I would be begging for him to take me.

I was desperate for Chase and that clouded my vision. I was so jealous of all the girls he told me about, that I found myself not caring…almost being happy… that a woman was murdered. He told me he mutilated a woman, enjoyed it, reveled in the memory, and my first thought was, why aren’t I that important? Then my next was spreading my legs for him apparently.

I rinsed my face with water, desperate for a nap and to forget about all of the awful news I seemed to be getting recently.

Nate was gone, Dr. Murdock was gone.

And it was all because of me.

Is this what I wanted? Did I want someone to want me so badly, to be solely theirs, that they would eliminate anyone that threatened that?

I pulled the covers up to my chin reminiscing about my relationship with Nate, cheating aside, he was a good guy. The soreness between my legs reminded me of my infatuation with Chase, chasing away any happy memories.

I needed time. I needed time away from Chase to get my mind straight. Every single time I was with him, he somehow ended up inside me and I left feeling disappointed in myself. The thoughts I had when I was with him made me feel like I was a different person. A bitter, more selfish, version of myself who didn’t care who was hurt as long as Chase was mine.

And I didn’t like that.

I was never like that before, was I?

I said some harsh things to Chase, things that I was projecting onto him since I felt that way about myself more often lately. I said that Chase had no remorse for human life when it came to killing my ex, but I reacted similarly when he told me about Lacey.

I told him I didn’t want him to belong to me, the first lie I'd ever told him and it was the biggest one. I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath. I told him I wasn’t his. Being his, felt like winning a Nobel prize. Something I never thought would happen for me, and now something that might never happen again. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Gone.

My palms were sweating under the covers, and I thought I might be sick again at the tumultuous thoughts bouncing back and forth through my brain like a ping pong ball.

Maybe Chase and I were more alike than I wanted to admit.

25

CHASE

Ididn't understand what I did wrong this time. I was honest with her like she wanted, I didn't want to start our lives together on a lie, but that didn't seem to make her happy. She refused to take rides to and from work with me, she ignored all of my phone calls and text messages.

Every time she ignored me, the anguish that had taken refuge in my chest spread like cancer throughout my body. Nothing felt the same. Food tasted like shit, so I didn't eat. I saw her face every time I closed my eyes, so I didn't sleep. Fatigue was catching up to me, I found myself wondering why I hadn’t taken her for my own.

That would’ve been a typical action of mine; take her, bend her to my will, never look back. But every time I pictured the look of betrayal she’d wear on her face, I stopped myself. I used to fantasize all the ways I wanted to break her, to love her so hard that it was physically painful for her. But somewhere in the time we spent together, I no longer craved her pain. Not in a way that would permanently cause everlasting harm at least. She asked if I would kill her, and at the time, I felt like I could, unable to bear the thought of her with anyone else. Now I wasn't so sure. Emma was different from all the others, she consumed me completely. I was lost without her.

I loved Emma with all I had. She was all the good in the world served to me in a beautiful package, and as dark as my soul was, I couldn't tarnish that beauty. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of the light in her fading permanently.

So I left her alone.

Killing myself slowly.

Summer was turning into Autumn quickly. The summer semester was over, all finals graded, faculty and staff in the office were rapidly preparing for the upcoming semester. Fall semester was the busiest one of the year with events and conferences. Mine was coming up soon, I’d be going out of state to give a lecture to upcoming graduates who would be teaching my course, as well as those who were preparing to enter the program. The university was going to pay me good money to come lecture their faculty and students, but leaving Emma for a week was not sitting well with me.

Something was telling me I shouldn’t leave her alone. Pittsburgh was like any other city, being aware of your surroundings was key to safety. Being aware of one's surroundings was not Emma’s strong suit. I’d watched her for over a year and she never knew I was there, even times when I could have sworn she looked dead at me.

I scrolled through the online site, sending Emma another round of flowers to her door in hopes she would at least look my way when I saw her in the office. Watching her from the camera was becoming too much. I needed to feel her in my arms, I wanted to sink into her warmth and love her the way she deserved to be loved. Even if that love came from someone like me.

I shoved my phone in my pocket after completing the transaction and detoured through Emma’s office hoping to catch a glimpse of her. She was there, looking like a dream. She wore a dress that stopped just at her mid thigh with translucent tights underneath. She no longer wore the marks of us, her pale skin clear, no bruises, no handprints.

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