Page 10 of Lillian

“Oh, would you lighten up? The point is to expand your horizons. Explore new things. Just keep an open mind when you’re filling it out, will you? It’s not like you’re going to be forced into doing things you don’t want to do.” She rolls her eyes at me. Where is this kink-friendly side of my sister coming from?

“Where do I even find it?” I ask, and she grins, hearing the defeat in my voice. The reluctant acceptance.

“It’s online. And I also already made an appointment for you today for a health check. Just a regular med check and STD screening.” Pride lights up her face.

“Today? No, I can’t do it today. I’ve got Grace’s thing. You know that.” I do not need another thing on my plate today. Not when I’m already going to be pulling my hair out, waiting for my child to be done visiting with her egg donor.

“I know. That’s why I made it for during her visit. You’re not allowed to be in there with her anyway. At least this way, you’re keeping occupied and not just sitting in your car for two hours biting your fingernails down to the buds again.” At her words, I glance at my nails. They’ve finally grown back since the last visit, but she’s not wrong. They were raw, bloody messes by the time the last supervised visit was finished.

“What if she needs me? What if her birth mom doesn’t show?” The worry starts to eat at me. All the what ifs.

“Then just take Gracie with you, sis. It’s a regular doctor’s appointment. It’s not a big deal.” My sister: ever the even-tempered, clear-headed superwoman.

“You’re right. Of course, you’re right.” I murmur more to myself in an effort to make myself actually believe it.

“I know. Just sent you the link, by the way,” she chuckles. I didn’t even see her pull her phone out.

There’s a buzz from my face-down phone on the kitchen table. I pick it up, and sure enough, there is a link with a surprisingly tasteful logo. The link has a key on it, which I click, and it brings me straight to the hard and soft limits form Kim was talking about.

Heat builds in my cheeks the more I read. I’ve always considered myself a sexual person. Even experimental. Especially after Lincoln had broken up with me, and I went on a little bit of a spiral in my love life. Trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t someone to be embarrassed by. Looking for love in every relationship. Even if I didn’t love them back, I wanted tobe lovedby someone. Everyone.

And that led to some…interesting…sexual experiences. The night with the “ball-man”–as Kim has dubbed him–comes to mind, and I shake my head clear of the memory.

But now I’m reading and feel like a thirty-year-old virgin.

Anal

Fisting

Anal fisting

Double penetration

Breath play

Wax play

Flogging

Binding

Choking

Degradation

The list goes on and on, and I have to be impressed with how thorough it is. I immediately go through and mark all my hard limits. Absolutely no way is any fucking blood play happening in my bedroom.

Then I go back through and, with as open a mind as absolutely possible, mark my maybes. Things I haven’t tried yet but am not immediately turned off by.

Finally, I mark the ones I am perfectly fine with.

I hit submit.

There, that wasn’t so bad. As I set my phone down with a sense of accomplishment, I look up to see Kim grinning from ear to ear behind her raised phone. Recording me.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I growl.

She cackles, clicks her screen, and puts her phone down. “That…was hysterical.” She bursts out into a fit of laughter, clutching her stomach, and bent over, banging a fist on my table. Tears are starting to leak out of her beet red face.

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