Page 164 of A Sky Full Of Stars

“Joel. I’m letting him know where Josh is so I don’t have to get out of the truck to meet him.”

“Lainey, I can’t.”

“Can’twhat?” Her voice rises as she stares at me in challenge. Which means...fuck.

“Lainey…”

“Don’t ‘Lainey’me,” she snaps again, but her voice wavers, the disappointment seeping through. “Be honest. Why can’t you drive?”

“I’m over the limit,okay,” I yell, but I’m not angry at her, and I’m angry at the situation and disappointed in myself. “I’ve been drinking,” I add, softer this time. “And I don’t want you to be here.Please, go. I can’t stand knowing I’ve disappointed you again.”

Lainey releases a sigh as her eyes water. “You told me it was social, Thomas. This isn’t social. It’s the middle of the day and you’re alone. Why didn’t you tell me it was worse?”

I shake my head as though she’s wrong but she’s not, and I hate myself for it. The disappointment in her gaze is killing me. This is why I didn’t want her to know. She deserves better and I…

“It’s an occasional thing during the offseason,” I admit, defeated. “When I have things on my mind.”When I get lonely or the darkness takes hold.“It’s…it’s not often.”

“Then why are you hiding it? Why not talk to me about it? Tell me what happened to make you drink today. Be—”

“Because I told you I’d fix myself,” I yell again before sucking in a breath, my shoulders dropping. “I failed,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “You thrived and Ifailed. Miserably. The deal was that we’d contact each other once we were out of the darkness. But the truth is, I’m still hovering somewhere in the shadows. I let you down and I’m trying to fix us. I want to fix us more than anything in this world. This morning meant everything to me, and I vowed to myself that I’d change, but I stillcouldn’t stop myself. I’m still fucking up.” Tears well in my eyes, but I ignore them as Lainey’s gaze softens.

“Oh, Thomas.” Her voice wavers as the first tear falls, and when Joel reaches us, she frantically wipes at her eyes, offering him a smile in thanks before turning her attention back to me. “I think this is bigger than you realize. I think—”

“I want to deserve you, Lainey. I want to be the kind of guy that does right by you. The kind of guy you don’t have to question. But I’ve tried that, and I keep messing up. With you. With Summer. I tried to find her family. Mom finally confessed that Summer and I had different dads, and I tried to find her family. I failed at that too, and yet it still came back to bite me in the ass because Mom did it instead. Mom searched, and when she found them, she called Summer and blamed it all on me. Told her it was me that pushed her to do it.”

“You were trying to help.”

No. I shake my head, refusing to let her make excuses for me. “Summer told me not to. She didn’t want to know. This all happened years ago, but I still didn’t listen.”

“Is that what you were discussing this morning? Is that why you were drinking?” From her new sympathetic tone, I know she’s beginning to understand me. Though knowing doesn’t make it right.

“Some days I’m so happy, I feel like everything is finally falling into place. Like my life is finally going somewhere. I felt that way last night and this morning…with you. But other days, when I’m alone, or the moments when I’m reminded of the past, the darkness consumes me. I can see the train coming but can’t do a single thing to stop it from plowing into me, from wiping out what small sliver of happiness I was starting to collect.”

Lainey unbuckles her seat belt and climbs over the center console, straddling my lap. Her soft delicate hands grip my face before she forces me to look at her. “This isn’t just an alcoholproblem, Thomas. You haven’t been able to beat it because you haven’t been able to identify the cause.”

I shake my head, but I don’t know what I’m trying to convey. “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I don’t deserve it. I—”

“Have you ever looked into depression?” she cuts me off.

“What?”That’s ridiculous.“I can’t have depression. I have a life people only dream about. I’m aprofessional football player. I get to be the person I always wanted to be day in and day out. I’ve got it all. The only thing I was missing was you, but now…” I smile. “My life is amazing.”

“From the outside.”

“What?”

Lainey smiles but there’s a sadness to it. “I agree, your life is amazing…from the outside. People would kill to be in your position. Men want to be you. Women want to date you…or marry you.” Her lips lift into a lopsided grin and her nose crinkles, perhaps referring back to what I said this morning. “For anyone looking in, youdohave it all. But that means nothing, Thomas. Not if you’re unhappy.”

“I’m not. I am happy. At times. I love what I do. I love being around Summer and her family. I love—”

“Herfamily,” Lainey cuts in, making me pause. My brows furrow and I feel so lost when it comes to this conversation. “You said ‘herfamily,’” she repeats when I don’t respond. “But I happen to know that they all consider you one of their own.”

Emotion clogs my throat because I hate admitting that I don’t see that. I never have. Not that I’ve ever told anyone that. “They say that, but it’s never…”

“Felt real?”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “It never felt real.”But is that because I wouldn’t let it?Holyfuck.I can’t be depressed.Can I?

“We don’t have to figure it all out now,” Lainey says, giving my face a gentle squeeze until I look her in the eye. “But I want you to know that I’m here for you. Whatever we need to do, we do it together. No toxicity, no lies. We move forward as a team.”

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