Page 119 of A Sky Full Of Stars

Leaving things the way we did had been difficult to process, but the truth is often a hard pill to swallow, and our truths were being buried by our relationship. I refuse to believe that we were toxic. I know I threw that word around in the heat of themoment, but it shouldn’t have come up. We weren’t toxic, but it wasn’t healthy either. And the fact that Thomas saw that, and put a stop to it—before it completely blew up in our faces—says a lot about the type of man he is.

I wanted to be angry. I wanted to place the blame solely on his shoulders so I could tell myself there wasn’t anything I could have done. But that’s not fair. I was using him just as much as he was using me, and in the end, he was right. If we’d continued on that path, we may have never come back from it.

Now we might stand a chance.

At least, some small part of me believes that we will. Even if we’re not together, I’m hopeful we can at least save the friendship.

Because that was the part that hurt the most. I loved Thomas. But not being there for him as his friend was harder.

Which is probably why I failed.

We were supposed to go cold turkey—I’d been the one to suggest it—but I couldn’t leave without knowing if and when I’d ever speak to him again. So I asked for an exemption to the rule.

Lainey: I’m leaving tomorrow, earlier than planned. But I couldn’t go without getting in touch. Can we promise each other something? If either of us truly feels like we’re in a better place, like we’ve made it through the darkness and come out the other side smiling, can we let the other know? Just a simple text. One that doesn’t need a reply. In case the other isn’t ready.

Thomas didn’t reply right away, and while it hurt, I couldn’t blame him. But as I stood in line to board my flight, my phone in my hand and tears in my eyes, I got his response.

Thomas: I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had LLS. Go and find yourself, and remember… you deserve the world and everything in it… or above it.

The stars. For some reason Thomas associates me with the sky and the stars, and I’ve held on to that while I’ve been away.

At least I did, right up until the point I realized I didn’t need it anymore.

I may not have found my exact calling out here, but I’ve discovered so much about myself since arriving, that for the first time, I think I’m ready to send that text.

“Miss Lainey!” My colleague Wayan calls from outside my room, always too polite to interrupt me.

“Coming.” I smile as I make my way out to him, wondering what new experience he’s been researching today. Yesterday he told me he was determined to learn how to make s’mores; today it could be anything.

“I’m listening. What did you discover?” I ask with a laugh.

Wayan frowns in return. “Nothing today. I have call from America.”

What?“Who?”

“Your ibu.”My mom?

“Thank you, Wayan. I’ll come now.”

There’s hardly any service in the classrooms or by the buildings, but we do have an office set up nearby. Wayan runs the office and often receives calls from other volunteers’ families. But never mine. I call home when I can and they usually wait.

After I’ve washed the paint from my hands, Wayan drives me to the office and I hesitantly answer the phone, hoping Mom hasn’t hung up due to waiting too long.

“Mom?” I ask, a little on edge.

“Lainey! It’s been so long,” she gushes. It hasn’t been that long, but the sound of her voice still warms me. Our relationship seems to have benefited from my time away. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think in my mom’s case, that’s true. She’s definitely more respectful of what I want out of life and rarely brings up dancing. “I’m sorry to have called you, but we had a family get-together to celebrate your dad’s birthday, and I missed you.”

My heart clenches but it’s not as severe as I would have suspected. I know being here is what’s best for me, even if I occasionally miss things back home.

“I miss you too, Mom. Did Dad get the present I sent?”

“He did and he loves it. It’s nice to see you two bonding again.”

“We had a bit to get through, but we’re getting there. He’s been really supportive of this adventure, and that’s helped a lot.”

“He’s proud of you. You’re out there doing the one thing he always wanted to do, but never had the chance.”

Dad and I talked a lot about his dream to travel the world and volunteer in small communities. He’s the one that gave me the idea in the first place, and I’ll forever be grateful for that.

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