Page 116 of A Sky Full Of Stars

Lainey stares at me with wide eyes, and I have to fight not to reach for her.

“You haven’t hurt me, Thomas. If anything you’vehelpedme. You make meforgetand that’s,”—the problem. That’s…—“all I needed.”

Taking a deep breath, I step closer but keep some space between us, needing to feel her near me but knowing it willbe infinitely easier to walk away if I avoid her touch. And that’s what this is. This is me, walking away.

“You make me forget too. When I’m with you, I forget the world, I forget my problems, I forgeteverything. But I have an addiction.” Lainey opens her mouth to speak, but I continue, cutting her off. “And before you say anything, I don’t mean the alcohol.”

“Thomas…”

“It’syou. I can’t sleep until we’ve spoken or texted. Every time we touch, a feeling of euphoria runs through me like a drug working its way through my veins. And when we’re not together, I drink. Not just a casual glass here or there—I drink until I’m out cold, passing the time in the hope that my life magically fixes itself. I didn’t see it as a problem. After all, I could go a day without drinking. I could easilychoosenot to take a sip and be fine. But when I look back on it, that was only possible on the days I sawyou. But that changed last night. And now I have to do something to fix it.”

Lainey steps forward with her hands outstretched, but when I shake my head, she drops them. “Let me help you,” she whispers softly. “Let me stay and help you get through this. If you go to AA or—” And there it is. The first time she’s mentioned staying, and this time when I hear it, it hurts.

“I don’t want your help,” I lie.

“What?”

“You deserve better. I’m not the person you think I am, and things aren’t changing. I hurt Summer. I pushed her away, never questioning things and—”

“You’re doing the same tome. I want to help you but you won’t let me. You’re pushingmeaway.”

“Iknow. I’m conscious of it this time.”AndI have to; you’re too good to do it yourself.“Lainey, you deserve someone whowill—”

“Tell me I’m beautiful? Treat me with respect? Dance with me in the rain?”

Fuck. “I can’t be with you until I sort myself out.” I can’t drag her down into this hell.

Lainey stares intently into my eyes, her gaze penetrating my soul, but I stay strong. If I ever do something decent for her, something right, it’s going to be this.

“Thomas, please,” she says after a beat. “Don’t do this. I want to stay. I want to help. Don’t be a martyr—”

“That’s not what I’m doing. This isn’t foryou. I’m doing this forme. I will never be completely happy until I’ve forgiven myself. And I can’t do that until I’ve fixed what I’ve done. You need to go to Indonesia. You need this time to heal just as much as I do.”

“What if I don’t listen? What if I stay anyway?”

“I don’t want you to.” The lie slips easily from my lips, knowing she needs to hear it. I’d spend every waking minute curled up in Lainey’s arms if she stayed, but I’d never know if it was for the right reasons. “This. Us. We’reoverwhether you stay or not. I should have put a stop to it a long time ago. Before it got this far.”

“You what?”

“We’re not good for each other, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out, but now that I have, I can’t unsee it.”

“Helping each other through our issues isn’t toxic, Thomas.”

“We’re not helping each other. We’re running. We’re hiding. We’re using each other to mask the pain. If you really stop and think about it, you’ll see that it’s true.”

Lainey opens her mouth to speak, but closes it again, and I see the moment she accepts what I’m saying.

Silence falls, and it’s only then that I realize we’re not alone. There’s loud music coming from the kitchen. Someone’s tryingto drown out our conversation. I hadn’t even noticed any movement. Yet another reason why I need to do this. I’m so caught up in what’s going on inside my head when I’m with Lainey that I can’t see what’s happening outside it.

“This Year’s Love,” by David Gray begins, and I can’t help but let out an incredulous laugh as tears coat my eyes. I fucked up again. I’m running.Again. But this time I did it for her. And while I know it’s going to break us both—hell, I’m not even sure I’ll survive it—I can’t change my mind.

Lainey’s phone buzzes, and when she reaches for it, I glance down the hall, trying to see who’s home, and when I look back, Lainey has a new resolve set in her features. A hardened expression.

“So this is it?” she asks, her voice unwavering.

“I think it has to be.” Every word feels like a stab to my chest, but I hold my composure. “It’s the right thing for both of us.”

“Clean break?” she asks next, making me wince.What the fuck does that mean?“If you let me walk out this door,” she continues, “we’re having a clean break. No calling me because you need me. No texts in the middle of the night. You need to break this addiction cold turkey.”

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