Page 113 of Tame Me

I try to tell myself the snobbish tinge I think I hear is probably only in my head but her gaze on me is icier than that bed for the oysters on the bar and now the thoughts in my head are even more anxious and insecure. ‘Yes, how did you hear about that?’

‘Dain’s father said you’re a waitress and wannabe influencer. You do make little videos, don’t you?’

So Chloe knows Dain’s father and he’s disparaged me. I feel for Dain. He had to live through his parents’ divorce, he doesn’t need his own private life being dissected in public like this. Not by a parent. And I’m not going to make it worse.

‘Yes.’ I lift my chin and smile directly at her. ‘I make ASMR videos of latte art. Some people find them soothing.’

‘It’s a fad.’ Chloe shrugs. ‘You’ll have to pivot if you want to grow your numbers.’

I nod peaceably enough but inside my pulse is skittering out of control. Chloe’s right. She’s also ruthless. Most of the people here are, I realise. This is a worldsofar from mine. It’shis—hell, he’s the king of it. I’m a waitress. I can make a good coffee. But who am I to hold my own with people who literally run the world? Who are beautiful and accomplished and confident? Short answer is I can’t.

But I’m stuck here. I can never run away. The permanent home I long craved for is actually a prison—a gilded cage in which I don’t belong and where I’m notreallywanted. Yes, we have chemistry but, no, that’s not for ever. I’m here only because of Lukas.

Two more people join us. I can’t remember either of their names. I’m a good server—I can remember the dinner orders for parties of ten or more—but there are more than eighty people in this bar and I’m off balance. I’m worried about Dain. He’s actually veryprivate. He’s worked hard to pull his company back from the brink and overcome the destruction from his parents’ interference. Being the source of gossip now must be appalling for him but he’s putting on a brave front. Yet he can’t control their judgement of me. The undercurrent of bitchiness cements my understanding of just how out of place I really am.

I do not belong here.

My attempt to eat the freshly shuckedau natureloyster from its shell is awkward. They do it in unison, like a graceful ballet.

‘Aphrodisiacs, I’m sure you’re aware,’ Chloe says, her gaze sliding to Dain again.

‘I haven’t been to one of these events in ages,’ the new guy says.

‘Dain’s been too busy to host. Now we know why.’ The woman raises her glass to me. ‘Off the market at last.’

‘Well.’ Chloe gasps sharply. ‘He’s not put a ring on it yet.’

The entire group stares at my unadorned fingers. My not-good-enough manicure. I’m filled with shame. My self-control drowns in it and in a flash of anger I retaliate against the rudeness. ‘Then I guess there’s still time for one of you to make your move.’

Normally I can maintain a cool facade in front of the most demanding, rude customers but I can’t keep my cool now. This is worse than when Dain and I deliberately misled Ava. Because I’mcrushed. The life we’re presenting iseverythingI want. But it’s a front and never going to be real. I’m not right for it. I don’t fit. I never will. I’m not good enough for him. At the worst possible time, in front of all these avidly curious people, I realise Idowant that ring. I want it all with him because I’m inlovewith him. And while Dain has been doing everything he can to make this work, what I truly desire is the one thing he’ll never give—his heart. That’s not in play. And I’ll never be enough for him to want to push past the hurt of his parents’ break-up.

I’m devastated. I want to run. Right now. Just as my mother would. But I can’t. I’m cornered like a stray animal who’s wandered into that wolves’ den and I lash out.

‘Truly.’ I shrug as if I don’t give a damn. ‘Go ahead. I’m the mother of Dain’s firstborn. That’s all.’

Even as I say it I know it’s wrong. I bite my lip—offence is the best defence and I’ve struck out when I shouldn’t have. I have to stop myself from making this worse. For Dain. For Lukas. It takes everything to pull it back together. But I’m jealous and hurt and hopeless and I just want to hide. I force a smile as if it were a joke, but they don’t smile back.

I turn, leaving them with their mouths still ajar.

I’m burning with regret, embarrassment, shame.

Ineeda coffee. I’m never going to get through the next ten minutes, let alone through the performance of an entire play.

I don’t see an espresso machine at the bar and I slide through the crowd, ducking my head to find the staff door. I know my way through a kitchen and find the back exit in moments, paying zero attention to the surprise on the kitchen hand’s face. The back alley isn’t some dank place where rubbish bins are kept, it’s festooned with fairy lights and populated with an assortment of eateries. I walk into the first one that has a coffee machine visible through the glass.

I haven’t had a real coffee in so long that the hit is instant—warmth, energy, clarity. I know those people’s opinions of me shouldn’t matter but I care about the impact on Dain. Andhisopinion is vitally important to me. Yep, it’s true. I really am in love with him.

My head pounds, blinding me as what’s been brewing over the last few days crystallises. It hurts. Unbearably. I’m literally losing vision in one eye. But at the same time I really see. I really understand.

And I die inside. I never should have said that to Chloe. Certainly not in front of all those people. I couldn’t last an hour before letting him down. I was overly defensive and uncontrolled. I don’t have their education. I’m not engaging enough to fit. I’ve just made myself a laughing stock. And Dain.

He’ll be annoyed, maybe even angry. But maybe that’s good. Because I’m never going to be what he reallyneeds.

I suddenly know what I need to do.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Dain

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