Page 98 of Heartless

I saw Caleb and the twins the other day. They’re getting so big, and all I could think about was what a great mother you would be.

We were supposed to start our own beautiful family, but I got off track, becoming scared with the weight of it all. Rather than talking to you, I balked and shut down about the subject, and being thankful each time that you got your period.

I was such a bastard, and I’m sorry, baby.

Anyway, I have to go. There are some things I need to take care of.

Until next time,

O.

I look up and wipe the tears from my face.

“How are you feeling?”

“I uh...Claire, I miss him so much.”

“Why don’t you take a walk back up to that cute, cozy cottage and call him and tell him just that. No pressure for anything to happen. Just see where the phone call takes you.”

Smiling, I lean in and hug her.

“You’re right.”

We both stand, and she helps me pack my things back into my tote. I walk back up the beach and to the cottage but stop at the grocery bags. Peering inside, I pull the box out and head to the bathroom.

I’ve been thinking about selling my dance studio lately, but I want to make sure that whomever I sell it to will have the same passion and drive that I did if not more. They need to love and embrace those girls as if they were their own the same way that I did.

Sadness fills me because I’m not sure that anyone could love the studio and those girls more than I did. I’ve been in touch with Holly, and she sometimes puts them on FaceTime to talk to me. I know they miss me as much as I miss them.

I told them that I was taking a sabbatical and that when I saw them again, there would be news to share. I haven’t told them whether the news will be good or bad, but like the bright spirits they are, they’re positive and assume the best.

Holly isn’t as hopeful. As an adult, she’s more aware of the truth in the world, and she’s seen how the assault affected me. Although I haven’t told her about Onyx and the troubles my marriage has endured, she suspects that all isn’t well at home.

Pulling my panties down to use the bathroom, I stare into the mirror on the wall across from me.

At what point did I lose the brightness in my eyes? Was it the day of the attack or just before or just after?

Claire is right. I cannot continue giving my power to other people. I am a strong woman, and I will no longer allow myself to wallow in pain and misery.

I know what I want for my life now.

A little chuckle falls from my lips as I think about how much I’ve changed since I’ve been on Kiawah Island. I needed time and space to be alone.

Without my family, friends, and husband in my ear telling me what I need to do, I have so much more clarity now than ever.

26 – MEADOW

Involuntarily, my eyes slide sideways, landing on the offending objects.

There’s no denying it. The eggshell oblong stick confirms what I’ve known in my heart for the last couple of weeks. The two faint pink lines in the window glare back at me accusingly.

That’s the second test that I took. How can something I’ve prayed for during the last two years come when my life is in such turmoil?

They have both been sitting on the edge of the counter since I took the pregnancy test yesterday. This was supposed to be such a joyous and happy time for me. For us.

Now here I am pregnant, and my husband and I are in two different places. I know what he says that he wants in his letters, but is that true, or are those words just to lure me back in?

I’ve said time and time again that Onyx isn’t used to being told no.

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