Page 95 of Heartless

I head out of my office earlier than normal.

“Hey, are you going for a walk?” Alicia asks.

“No, I’m leaving for the day.”

Her eyes widen as she asks, “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is going to be just fine, Alicia.”

She smiles and says, “Good, I’m glad to hear that.”

Deep in my heart, I truly believe that, too.

***

The envelope is pink and yellow. It sits in the middle of a stack of bills with the cable bill and phone bills being on top.

I toss all the other mail onto the table and head into my den. I don’t bother to remove my shoes or suit jacket but instantly slide a letter opener under the envelope.

My hands tremble as I remove the paper. It’s thick card stock. Her lilac scent wafts up from the paper.

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O,

I smiled and laughed so hard when I saw that picture. The memories that it brought out. What a beautiful spring day that was. I don’t know if you remember, but afterward, we had tacos that night on our back lawn.

You grabbed a sky-blue picnic blanket and spread it out, and we listened to Anita Baker all night long. You said thatyour cousins would tease you for listening to such a girly playlist, but you sang every song right along with me. I was amazed that you knew the lyrics to them all.

We had so much fun that night.

There were things that I think we both took for granted, O. Like how you would randomly bring me flowers home, and it didn’t have to be a special occasion, or how you always brought me a tub of mint praline ice cream home along with chocolate covered cherries at that time of the month for me.

Not only would you bring my favorite snacks, but you would buy me some bubble bath and run me a hot bath. Then you would set it to my favorite playlist. Remember the one? The Sade, Anita, Melba Moore, and Regina Belle.

Oh, my gosh! How I loved that playlist. It would make me fall in love with you all over again.

I think the sweetest thing that you used to do was go to the store to purchase my personal items if I were running short on them. I’ve never known a man bold enough to do that. Every time I said that to you, you would follow that up with, “Well, hell, everyone knows they’re not for me.”

I would laugh so hard at that.

You were a sweet man, O.

I’m sorry that I didn’t appreciate you being that for me when I was in my darkest hours.

Maybe if I had been able to focus on that, we wouldn’t be in the space that we’re in now.

I love you, O. That’s one thing I know to be true, but I’m still hurting so deeply. You were supposed to be mine. You were supposed to love only me. To know that another woman has held you, kissed you, and had you touch her the way that you touch and hold me breaks me.

Every inch of your body and heart should belong to me. I’ve never been a woman who liked to share. Even more, I hated how you flirted with other women, making them feel special.

Deep inside, I knew that I was the only one who mattered, but at the same time, it felt like all those women you flirted with knew a secret that I didn’t. That they could have you the moment I turned my back.

What happened with you and Sharla only magnified that truth for me.

God, if only you knew how deep my pain runs.

MJ

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