Page 52 of Heartless

He simply nods and keeps eating.

“Any new business deals or acquisitions?” I ask, thinking about what my assailant said.

I feel the negative energy rising in me, wanting to pick a fight with him.

Shrugging, he says, “No. Just business as usual.”

“You came home early.”

Conversation doesn’t come as easily to us as it once did. It seems that we struggle to have the tiniest bit of discussion on the basic things, let alone hard topics. I’m always sidestepping everything because I’m scared of the forbidden topics: the attack, counseling, and trying to have a baby.

I don’t want to argue with my husband, but I refuse to change my stance on my feelings.

Onyx’s chewing slows and he looks up at me, grabs his glass and drinks some of his tea, and then sets it down again. I watch as he sets his fork back on his plate and dabs his mouth with his napkin before he finally speaks.

“I uh...I went out house hunting today.”

“You didn’t go to the office?”

“Yes, I dropped by for a few hours and then left just before lunch.”

“To go house hunting?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I think that I found the one for us.”

I don’t say a word. I just stare at him in silence.

“I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t think that you wanted to be a part.”

“It’s a major decision, Onyx. I’ve told you that I didn’t want to move.”

“I know it’s a big decision. And I know that you told me that you didn’t want to move. But I believe deep in my heart if we can change our environment, it will change your spirit, and that will change our marriage. I’m doing what’s right for us, MJ. You trusted me to be the head of your life and lead you in the right direction. Well, that’s what I’m doing. I told you that I was going to do this the last time we argued.”

“I know but...I guess I just didn’t think that you’d actually go through with it.”

“Go through with the house hunt or picking a house?”

“All of it, Onyx!”

I feel my emotions rising within me, and I want to throw a plate of food at him or have a tantrum or something. I’m mad because our life is moving on, and he’s going on as if every day was the same, but I’m stuck in the past. It feels as if he’s leaving me behind.

It seems like if I stay in this house and remain in my studio then maybe things will return to the way that they once were. Leaving is like a confirmation that things have changed for good. They’re confirmation that I’m no longer the same, and neither is my marriage to Onyx.

I can’t accept that. I need something to remain the same.

“I’ll take you to see the house, and if you don’t like it, we can look at some more houses. I haven’t put an offer in on it yet. Iwas going to take you to look at it tomorrow, and then we could decide together.”

“Don’t you see? You’ve already decided without me! You’re doing this and didn’t even consider calling me up on FaceTime and letting me go through the house tour with you. It could have been a virtual tour!”

“I didn’t know, Meadow. You showed zero interest in it at all. You knew that I was going each time I went—”

“Except for today!”

“Because you don’t seem to care. It was just a spur-of-the-moment decision!”

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