Page 39 of Heartless

“You’re shitting me! Why won’t you tell your husband?”

“Because it’s the same thing that my father told me. I don’t want to admit that he’s right, Kaia. Besides, it’s bigger than that. Onyx is raking himself over the coals about what happened to me. He blames himself for not upgrading my security system, for not hiring armed guards to secure the premises during working hours, and he blames himself for being out of town too much.

“He says that if he’d been here when it happened, maybe the psychological scars I’m suffering from wouldn’t be so deeply etched within me. He didn’t arrive until a few days later, and he believes that had he been here, he could have convinced me early on to get help. He’s already beating himself up over this. We don’t both need to struggle with guilt. I need one of us to remain strong. He’s already upset with me for not telling him right away and waiting until he returned. He doesn’t need to know that I’m holding something else back.”

“You’ve got this thing all twisted. It’s not about your father being right. It’s about putting this bastard behind bars where he belongs and anyone else who thinks like that. It’s about getting justice for you and any other woman he may have assaulted. How can you keep this information to yourself? It’s been two months, Meadow.”

“And he hasn’t assaulted anyone else.”

“You don’t know that. There may be women out there who are just as afraid as you are.”

“He warned me that he would come back. Kaia, if I was a target as he claimed, he might have my home address too. Why would I take the risk?”

“If you don’t speak up, there’s a higher risk he’ll come back and do it again, doll. At least this way, there’s a higher chance ofcatching him and putting him behind bars. You’d be safer that way.”

“No. I can’t do it. I can’t relive it.”

“This guy has done a number on you. I get that this has been traumatic, but—”

“There are no buts! You don’t get to judge me. You have no idea the hell that I’ve been going through, Kaia. The nightmares, the anxiety attacks, the fear...you have no idea. Talking about it only makes it worse. Continuing to pursue it will change my life from a nightmare into a living hell!”

“Calm down,” Kaia says, reaching out to touch me.

I push her hands away, and while a part of me deep within says that I’m being irrational, on the surface, it doesn’t feel that way.

“I’m calm, okay? I just don’t need anyone telling me what to do. You’ve not gone through this.”

“I know that, MJ. If I could trade places with you, I would. I love you, sweetheart, and I hate to see you going through this. Just tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything to help you through this.”

“I’m fine. I just want you to go.”

“What? I can’t leave you.”

“Leave, Kaia!”

Kaia jumps when I yell at her. Tears spark in her eyes, and her face turns red as she nods.

“Is that what you really want, MJ?”

“Go,” I say, turning my back on her with a resolute tone in my voice.

“Fine. Have it your way. But when you need me, I’ll be here,” she says, gripping my shoulder.

I stiffen under her touch, and she drops her hand. I don’t turn around until I hear the door click softly behind me.

Only then do I drop the icy façade I’ve adapted and let the tears fall. My body shakes and trembles with the rage of holding onto this weight.

I’ve been living with this fear for far too long, and it’s destroying those that I love. But I can’t make it go away, and trying to explain it to anyone sounds silly.

***

“Hey,” his voice is a soft whisper in the dark.

I turn in bed and face him. Onyx has been sleeping in the guest room so I’m surprised to find him here tonight.

“I thought you might still be awake. I didn’t want to alarm you.”

Stretching, I reply, “I was asleep, but something woke me up a few minutes ago.”

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