Page 31 of Heartless

He knows my husband, my father-in-law, and his brother. Not to mention, he promised that he would be back.

But I know that I can’t continue living this way. It’s been a month since the attack happened, and I still haven’t let go of the fear.

I take it one day at a time, telling myself that all is well. If he hasn’t returned by now, he won’t return. Determination to survive and the overwhelming tide of anxiety wars inside of me, filling me with hope that one day I can let it all go.

Hope that he’ll be caught someday soon bubbles up and resides side by side with the worry.

So, as I hear the door of an idling vehicle closing, I refuse to acknowledge the fear that creeps up inside of me.

I force my mind to turn to positive thoughts as I cleanse my mouth, but that only lasts so long before anxiety rises again. I sit on the edge of the toilet.

The angst welling up inside of me is more than I can handle. I press a hand to my mouth, stifling the sobs that want to choke me.

“Meadow, you in there, babe?” Onyx calls out.

My eyes fly to the door. Standing abruptly, I feel a wave of dizziness and nausea wash over me. Holding onto the pedestal sink, I steady my balance.

“Meadow?”

“Mead—what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I lie.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, raking his hand through his dark curls.

“Yes. I was using the bathroom.”

I haven’t told my husband about the panic attacks that I’ve started having. The last thing that he needs to know is that I’mlosing it on top of everything else. He already blames himself for not ensuring that he upgraded my security system at the studio and that he was out of town and not here to protect me.

He’s been the one to wake me up every time I have a nightmare, and he holds me close. I see the toll that it’s taking on him. Onyx is constantly watching me and calling me throughout the day to check on me when he goes into the office. He’s stressed and doesn’t get much sleep through the night because he’s worrying about me.

“What’s happening with us, Meadow?”

“Nothing, Onyx. Please, just...” I mutter.

“Please, just what?” he asks, obsidian eyes glowering at me.

“Give me time and space.”

His gaze rakes slowly over my face with a scowl deepening his angular features. “I can’t do that, baby. It’s bad enough that I was out of town when you were attacked and unable to help you. The fact that you didn’t tell me right away because you didn’t want to disturb me still angers me.

“I have to trust that if you’re in trouble, you’ll reach out to me. Right now, I can’t trust that because when you needed me most, you didn’t call on me. So, you know that I can’t leave you alone. I promised to be here with you for better or for worse. And if this is your worse, then I’m here.”

On the one hand, I want him close to keep me safe and ease my fears, but on the other hand, I sometimes feel like Onyx is smothering me. It’s that duality that has me lashing out.

“I don’t want you here! I don’t want you coddling me, worrying about me, or going through whatever you’re going through! I don’t have the room or capacity to deal with your shit!”

“MJ,” he pleads with worry in his tone.

I place a hand over my mouth, choking back a cry. My gaze lowers to the black and white marbled tile floors of our bathroom. I hiccup with a sob.

“Just go. Please leave me alone.”

He slams the bathroom door closed behind him.

“Onyx,” I cry brokenly but not loud enough for him to hear me.

After a couple of minutes, I regain my composure, and I walk into our bedroom and look around. It’s become a war zone.

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