Page 96 of Heartless

She was crying as she wrote the letter. I can see the tear stains on some of the words where they have bubbled up underneath the moisture.

Tears fall from my eyes as I read it. No matter how much MJ pushed me away, she didn’t deserve what I did to her. I sit down to write another letter, praying that God will bring her home to me, even as I think about some of the things that Ian and I discussed.

25 – MEADOW

SEPTEMBER

I’ve received four more letters since I last wrote him the letter about how deeply my pain went over him sharing his body with Sharla.

It was difficult for me to write again after that. He’s written letters sharing memories of our past, but never acknowledging my last letter.

I don’t know if that underscores the depth of my pain or relieves me that we’re not focused on our sorrows.

I climb out of the car and peer inside the grocery bag at the contents. My heart aches, and my belly roils at the thought of everything that I need to do to prepare for the next year of my life.

I always thought Onyx would be right here with me at every juncture. Not once had I planned for any season of my life to be without my husband.

I set the bags on the table, change into my bathing suit, pack a tote, and head back outside and down the path to my familiar spot on the beach. It has become the place where I read all his letters, and I’m not certain if I chose the spot or if it chose me.

I roll the blanket out over the sand and settle my hat on my head, smiling at the memory of the sunflower hat story that we recently shared. I had packed it up along with the other things I packed when leaving Charleston.

Sitting cross-legged, I adjust the wrap around my waist, ensuring to cover my ass cheeks that peer from underneath my bathing suit. Applying a bit of sunscreen and then my shades, I finally pull the letter out of the little bag that I carried down here.

The sun is beaming brightly overhead today, and it makes me think of better days. Days when my life was full of hope and joy. Days where I remember laughing and loving.

These days, despite the sun shining, it seems my days are full of clouds, tears, and sorrow. The only time that I truly smile is when I’m with Claire. She always finds a way to make me laugh and smile.

Speaking of...

“Hey, neighbor!” I call out in greeting as Claire approaches my blanket.

“Hey, yourself. Thought I’d come out here and work on this tan a little more.”

“If you get any more sun, Claire, they might think that you’re my older sister.”

Laughing, she says, “You think I’m at risk of turning black?”

“I’m just saying. That tan definitely doesn’t make you look like a white woman anymore.”

“What have you got there?” she asks, nodding at the envelope in my hand.

“A letter from Onyx. We’ve been writing to each other back and forth lately. I stopped taking his calls, and he resorted to writing to me.”

“You finally told him where you were, huh?”

“Not in so many words. I mean, he knows that I’m on the island but not my exact location. I gave him the PO Box number to send me any mail that I might need.”

“Mm,” she says thoughtfully.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that you’re working your way through some things. You’ve given the man an indirect invitation to visit you here.”

“How so?”

“Anyone with a little bit of computer skills and foresight could track you down from the PO Box you gave if they’re smart enough.”

“No, he wouldn’t do that,” I say, shaking my head.

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