Page 4 of Found In Destruction

Raf sat next to me, knocking his knee against mine as he heaved a deep, long sigh.

“Az, I didn’t vote to disgrace you because I wanted to see you knocked off the pedestal Michael kept you on. It wasn’t personal. I was looking out for myself. Eat or be eaten and all that shit… I’m sorry you lost your girl.”

“I did it to myself. She gave me every piece of her. Her love, her smiles, all the good and bad parts of herself. She fucking hero-worshipped me, and I chose not to live up to it. She trusted me, and I stabbed her in the back.” I held back my tears, because crying wouldn’t do me any good.

No matter how many days passed, or how many tears we all shed, the guys and I were completely and utterly fucked without her.

Bash was unbearable most days, to the point where he and Ares were at each other’s throats, their arguing turned physical sometimes. We had to temporarily move once already because Ares managed to set the barracks on fire. Bash and I fought too, but it was mostly behind closed doors, where he could cut me into pieces in private.

Ares and I knew that even though we all contributed to this clusterfuck, we were the most to blame. He lashed out. I crumbled inward. We often stayed up late at night talking to each other about ways we could have done things differently and avoided this whole mess. For a man who’s known for his brawn and action, he could be painfully insightful sometimes.

“Feathers, do you think she’s ever going to come home?” Ares asked me.

I rolled over in bed to face him then fluffed my pillow and got comfortable again. The anguish on his face felt overly familiar. I lived with the pain of knowing her absence was my fault, too. A single tear rolled down his face, then blended into his grown out beard.

“Not for a long time… Hopefully she will, eventually.” I reach out, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing slightly foremphasis. “I feel like this is all my fault. If I were honest with her, she wouldn’t have felt betrayed. She’d still be here, lying in between us…”

Ares’ tattoos stood out, even in the darkness as he rubbed my arm. “I’m the reason she’s gone, too. You acted out of concern for her best interests–I was selfish as fuck. We both hurt her, but unlike you, I don’tregretwhat I did. I hate myself for hurting her, but can’t quite bring myself to feel any remorse… I just love her too damn much to not give her everything.”

“You don’t regret trying to get her pregnant without her consent?” I held my pillow with both hands to my chest, trying to comfort myself. Even thinking about Diana made my chest ache.

“No,” he definitively said, like there was no other option. “I’ll never regret trying to give her everything, because she deserves nothing less from me. Maybe I should have waited until the war was over. But I can’t help how much I love her. Worship her. Need her. I’m not complete without her, and the longer she’s gone, the more of myself I lose?—”

“Until you eventually become a shell of the man you were?” He nodded as I finished his sentence, then shifted closer to me, until his head touched my pillow.

“It seems we’re both falling apart. At least you’re not fist-fighting with Bash everyday…” Ares looked away from me momentarily.

“No, he’s choosing to verbally beat me up instead.” His eyebrows drew together and a fire sparked to life in his eyes.

“He shouldn’t be. He hasn’t been blameless in this whole chariot chafe. For fuck’s sake, he was the first of us to fuck her over, back in New York. Next time he says shit to you, I’m going to rip him apart.”

“I deserve it. She loved us all, but she looked up to me. She depended on me to guide her and to have her back…and I let her down.”

“We have so much in common. She depended on me to protect her, and I put her in danger instead.”

“Why did we have beef in the past?” I teased him.

“Because I was an asshole?” he asked as he snuggled up to the other side of the pillow and laid his arm over mine. He rubbed my shoulder in a slow, soothing pattern and some of the tension I always carried melted away. “Either way, I’m glad we got closer, and not just for Diana’s sake.” His hand moved up to knead the sore crick in my neck. “You may have made a bad call, but you did it out of love. You’re a solid, good man, Feathers. It’s sexy.”

“Azazel, are you okay? I think I lost you for a few minutes.”

Raphael’s voice brought me out of my memory and back to the now. I looked around the apartment again. It was showroom ready, but bare, with no pictures or personal touches. The soft white, gray, and navy color palette gave off rich bachelor vibes.

The whole thing made me feel nauseous.

Even in a space as bare as our military style barrack, Diana brought a sense of home with her. She filled the space with her joy and laughter. Her attitude and facial expressions lit up the room like fireworks, illuminating the darkness around her. The longer she was gone, the more like this apartment my life became.

“Thanks for your help, Rafe. I’m going to head back to the compound.”

I faded out before he said goodbye, not wanting to hang around for anything more drawn out. Since Diana left, we’d been attacked twice by Red’s forces. Without Damon around to lead his army, many defected to Red’s, and others ran for the hills. We won both times–barely–and put new safety measuresin check to secure the compound. Only coven members could fade in and out of the building. Non-members had to be escorted in. The guys and I faded in through an entrance Lucifer made for us in the back. I was thankful for it. My tolerance for people dropped to an almost nonexistent level recently, and this entrance was discreet and close to my barrack.

I knew that no matter what the other guys did, everyone in Lucifer’s inner circle blamed me the most for her leaving. Thankfully, the compound at large had no clue the guys and I were involved. They all thought she was on a secret mission with Mal, Michael, and Oisín.

After I made it through the back door and got to my room, I shucked my clothes off before burrowing under my blankets. Images of Diana swirled through my mind, overwhelming me until she was all I could see. I had gotten a few flash-visions about her from time to time since she was gone, but this one was by far the clearest and most detailed.

Diana snuggling with Mal in bed. Crying. Him kissing a shiny ring on her finger. Her walking through a pristine, manicured garden along a path, holding his hand and wearing a burgundy Victorian era dress, smiling at him.

Diana wasn’t the only one crying over what we did. I knew I caused her pain, and that reality was killing me slowly, quietly. If I collected every tear I shed, I could drown myself in them. Even if she came back of her own volition, I knew nothing would ever be the same between us.

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