Page 123 of Somewhere You Belong

Sighing, my mother settles into the couch deeper. “Your father came back from Iraq honorably discharged, but we never told you kids what happened because”—she chokes back a sob—“I didn’t want you to live with the image of what your father survived…what never allowed him to be the same again.”

I lean back, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “What happened?”

“He was in a Humvee with Willow’s parents, Dallas. They were journalists, overseas to report on the war. They stopped for a civilian who was flagging them down, and your father stepped out of the vehicle to approach him. Within seconds, there was an explosion. The Humvee was destroyed by an IED.”

Holy shit.

“It took me two years to get your father to speak about it.”

I think back to all the shit I saw in Afghanistan, stuff that still haunts my dreams, dreams I haven’t had since the night of the storm with Willow. “That’s why he never wanted me to join, huh?”

She nods. “Yes, because the guilt that he lived with after that almost killed him.”

My brow pinches together. “What do you mean?”

She shakes her head, staring off across the room. “I found him with a gun in his hands one day, Dallas. He wanted to kill himself, said he couldn’t live with the guilt.” My eyes start to burn. “You and Penn were little, and I was pregnant with Parker. I couldn’t lose my husband, so I begged him to get help. He started going to the Veteran’s Center, doing talk therapy, taking medication. Those were some dark years, getting him healthy again. And when you were five, he decided that part of his way of making things right would be to leave the Bayshore house to Willow. It was all he had to give her. He knew it wouldn’t bring her parents back, but he had so many memories growing up there with his grandparents that he wanted to give her that joy too.”

That house belonged to his grandparents?

Shaking my head, I say, “I can’t believe you never told me this.”

“I knew I would have to eventually, especially after he died.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

“You know that he had his feelings about you joining the Marines, and that it had already strained your relationship. He didn’t want to strain it more, so I agreed to be the one to tell you. That was a sacrifice I took on and I’d do it again.”

I stare at the fireplace, the mantel decorated with family pictures and my father’s medals, the smile on his face hiding years of trauma he had to work through.

Guilt.

He was responsible for Willow’s parents dying.

I know what that guilt feels like.

I wish I could have told him that.

“But he never supported me, he always criticized my decision to serve.” I point to the side of the room. “He would help at the Veteran’s Center and help other Marines, but he couldn’t help his own son!” My voice booms through the room as my mother’s tears glisten in her eyes.

“Do you know how many times I said the same thing to him, Dallas? How much we fought about that very thing?” She sniffles and wipes her nose against the sleeve of her robe. “Your father became a different person, but he never wanted to share that part of himself with you, and he regretted it. I know he did.”

“I do too, Mom.” I pound my fist against my chest. “I do too because I should have told him how he made me feel!”

“What good would it have done?” she whispers. “The best thing you did was serve your country and show your father the strength you have inside of you, Dallas. I know you must have seen your own horrors overseas, but you kept yourself together when you came home. You bought a business and you give back to your community just as much as your father did. He was proud of you, even if he never said it.” One tear slips down her cheek. “I know he was.”

I let my mother’s words settle in my mind.

I hate feeling this sense of regret, of letting words unspoken affect my life still to this day. I guess the question is, do I want them to affect my future, too?

And can Willow still be a part of that future?

“Willow said that you told her not to say anything to me about this,” I finally say, breaking the silence.

She nods. “That’s right.”

“So when did she find out?”

“The night of the veterans’ dinner. I went over to her house after the dinner and introduced myself. I ditched your sister and told her I wasn’t feeling well because I had to speak with Willow as soon as I could.” Sounds about right, my mom escaping my sister’s watch. “Willow told me she put two and two together when she saw you go up on stage to accept your dad’s award.Iam the one who asked her not to say anything, so please don’t hold that against her.”

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