Page 109 of Broken Empire

Ihead for our old apartment, since that’s the only placeIknowI’llhave the privacy to do whatIneed to do.They’restill in our names since we never sold them.Ihead up to hers whenIget there because…Idon’t know,IguessIjust need somewhere familiar to do it.

Ialready left my shit here a few days ago whenIleft the house to do some other business.Iset the camera up and hit record.

“Heybaby…”Istart andIcan’t keep it in anymore.Thetears begin to stream down my face asIstart to talk.

Isay allIneed to say to her before ending the recording.Isend it over to my guy at the news station.Icontacted him days ago telling him thatI’dhave a recording thatIwanted him to post right away.

Ineeded her to see thatIdidn’t care if everyone knew whatIdid or how they’d view me.AllIcared about was humiliating myself so that she could see thatIcared about her.Iwanted everyone to know thatIwas wrong and wasn’t afraid to show it to the world.Ifthis isn’t one hell of an apology and goodbye,Idon’t know what is…

Isend her the video and as soon as my guy sent me the link to the video to show me that it’s live,Iforward her the link as well.

Nowthat it’s done,Iwalk into the bathroom and fill the tub up halfway.Itake a full bottle of sleeping pills and down them a couple at a time until the bottle is empty.Istep into the tub of water and sit there for a while untilIfeel like the pills are starting to work.

Itdoesn’t take long for me to feel the effects andI’mfinally starting to get drowsy.Makingsure thatIfinish the jobItake the razor thatIput at the edge of the tub and use it to slice both my arms, from the wrist all the way up to my forearm.

Ilet out a grunt asIfeel the pain of the blade slicing through my skin.Sonof a bitch this shit hurts!So,Iguess this is what it felt like every time she slit hers…

I’mdizzy and can barely see but the red flowing out of both my arms is visible, soIknowI’vedone the job.Idrop the blade in the water and lay my head back on the tub just waiting to go.

Inno timeIcan’t keep my eyes open any longer, they start to close andIsmile asIfeel myself slip into oblivion.Iwon’t be able to hurt anyone anymore and there will be no more pain to fight through, just bliss asIdie…

WINTER

I’mpackingmy clothes into my suitcase whenIhear my phone chime with an incoming text.AfterMasonleft a few days ago andIhad that talk withAdelaideplus another with my therapist,I’vedone nothing but think since then.

I’vethought about all the things that happened betweenMasonandI, then of all the thingsIwant for my future.WhenIthink about said future,Idon’t see him out of it.Isee him right there with me.

WhenIthink about it, all this holding back is just putting strain on our relationship and keeping us from moving forward.So,Icame to the conclusion thatIneed to fully forgive him and let it go ifIwant us to have the future we’ve always talked about.

Iknow that he’s been trying plus he’s been catering to my every need, mine more than his own from the moment they all rescued me.So,Ineed to stop punishing the both of us with my actions because being away from him hurts me just as much asIknow it hurts him andIdon’t want that for us anymore.

Mytherapist also said that there still might be days whereIfeel likeIhate him or might be mad at him, but that’s normal.Everyonefeels some type of anger when it comes to thinking about their past butIcan’t live there forever orI’llnever be able to enjoy my future the wayIshould.IfIkeep holding back,Iwon’t get to do the thingsIwant, or find and enjoy new experiences.Ifind that now thatI’mpregnant,Iwant the opportunity to do things for and with my babies.

Iwant to experience things with them and live a beautiful life with their father.I’vebeen ruminating for far too long, stuck inside my head with what-ifs.Imean,Alister,Emilia, andAntonioare all dead soIno longer have to worry about any of them coming after me again.Plus, nowIhave more people in my corner who will protect me.There’sGrayson, my dad, my brother, and evenAdelaideand the guys.

I’mwilling to giveMasonthe second chance he deserves, but that’s the only one he’s getting, sinceIdo have my children to think about.Ifhe ever does any off-colored shit again, then that’s going to be it for us.Buthe does deserve that second chance first.

Iguess it’s finally time for me to stop hiding, stop running and finally take the bull by its horns.Andthat is whyI’mpacking to head home early.I’mfinally going to be in control of my life again and that feeling really is liberating.

Iwalk over to the table and pick my phone up, checking my messages.It’sa text fromMasonand whenIopen it,Isee he’s sent me a video.Iopen it and begin to watch.

“Heybaby…” he starts and stops to compose himself.Tearsbegin to stream down his face before he continues.Icollapse on the couch because suddenlyIdon’t feel so good.Mystomach flutters as he begins to speak again. “Idon’t know what to say.Ihad a whole long speech planned out but fuck ifIcan remember any of it right now.I’mmaking this for you and it’s going to be live too,Idon’t care if people are going to see me make a fool of myself.AllIreally care about is making you see how sorryIam for all the thingsIsaid and did.I’mnot going to go into details but you know whatI’mtalking about.Ijust needed to make a public apology to show you how muchIcare and how much you deserve this.AndI’mmostly making this becauseIwant you to know that it will always be you, baby.Noone else.IfIhad more time,I’dchoose you without exception, again and again for the rest of our lives.Rather,Idid choose you for the rest of mine.AfterIleft you inLondon,Ispent a lot of time thinking…Iknow you’ll never forgive me andIthoughtIcould live like that but the truth isIcan’t.So,I’mchoosing myself this time.I’mgoing to do what’s best for everyone and that’s to prove thatI’mnot a monster.Atleast,Inever meant to be.You’relegally my wife so everythingIown was split betweenGrayson, you and our baby.Idon’t even care what you say, it’s our baby.Iguess this is goodbye then,Ireally should go.Ilove you so fucking much baby!Forever.BeforeIforget,Hunteryou’re an asshole.Gray, you’re the best brother a guy could have asked for.Youboth are annoying butIlove you andI’msorry butIjust can’t be here anymore.Nate,RoyceandBeck,Ilove you guys.Thanksfor always being there whenIneeded you.”

Thevideo cuts off after that andIinstantly start panicking, while sobs burst out of me.Inthe middle of watching the videoIhad another message from him.WhenIcheck that one,Isee it’s a link and clicking on itIsee that his video is live.

Idon’t like the way he just said goodbye because it felt kind of final.Ilook at the video again for clues and notice the wall behind him is in the apartment.Iquickly dialHunterand when he picks up,I’msobbing so hardIcan barely get the words out…

* * *

Grayson

“Hey,man, what’s wrong?Youlook like something’s bothering you,”Huntersays from the couch across from me.We’rein the den again playing video games, but my mind can’t seem to focus on it.

There’sjust this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that started right after my brother went out and it hasn’t left me since.Theway he looked at me when he left earlier put me on edge, thoughIcan’t put my finger on it as to why.

“I-Idon’t know.Ijust have this weird feeling.”

“Whatkind of weird feeling?”

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