Page 11 of The Eraser

It's been three days since Mam died. Three days of living in absolute pain-filled hell. I've never felt the loss of someone, and to have Mam be the first person, it came unexpectedly and packed a punch like I've never experienced.

If I could, I would have skipped today and stayed holed up in my bedroom, a place in which I've spent the past three days. I've cried, screamed, and broken down more times than I can count. I feel like I'm drowning in the depths of this grief. And yet among the pain and sadness, there's hope. Hope that this is all wrong and that Mam will walk through the front door at any moment with that beautiful, happy smile of hers. It's crazy. But isn't that what happens when you're swallowed up by pain and grief—you lose every semblance of reality?

I know she's dead. God, I've seen it. We held the viewing in our living room only last night. I saw the coldness of her face, the lifelessness of her body. It was my first viewing of a dead body. It's an Irish Catholic tradition. We lay the dead out and people pay their respects. I didn't want it at home. I didn't want my last memory of my mam, the woman who was my everything, to be of her dead and lying in a casket. But Dad shut me down and insisted it was happening as there were people who wanted to pay their respects and we had to do it at home.

Bastard.

A shadow looms over me, and I lift my head. I pull in a sharp breath when I'm greeted by the darkest brown eyes I've ever seen. The way those dark eyes watch me makes me swallow hard. "I'm sorry for your loss, Jessica," the man says.

I blink. "Thank you," I whisper, unsure how he knows me.

"Your ma was a good woman," he tells me.

I nod, giving him a soft smile. "Aye, she was one of the best. Thank you for coming."

His thumb slides across my palm and my stomach clenches, my heart races, and my eyes widen. What on earth is happening to me?

"Stephen," I hear Nicola say from beside me, and the man nods, giving me a grin before letting go of my hand. "Thank you for coming," Nicola says as she rises from her seat and pulls him in for a hug.

I stare at the man. I have no idea what happened, nor do I understand the way my body reacted to him.

Who is he?

"Honey," Nicola says as she sits back down, the man continuing on down the line. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head. "What happens now?" I ask. "You know what Dad's like."

She sighs, anger flashing in her blue eyes. It was so hard to see Nicola last night, especially with Mam laid out in the casket, as Mam and Nicola are twins. Seeing them in the same room, one dead, the other alive, it affected me deeply, so much so I couldn't stay downstairs for long.

"Honey, you know you're always welcome to stay with me if you need some space from Thomas. You're my niece, Jessie. You're always welcome with us."

I nod, grateful that she's offering, but I also know I can't take her up on it. Being this close to her when she reminds me so much of Mam is very hard. I'm struggling so much not to cry. I don't think I could spend much time with her. It would be too hard.

"Who was that man?" I ask her.

"Stephen?" she asks with a raised brow.

I nod. I've heard that name before. He's a family friend. He’s really close with my cousin Callie. They've been friends since they were kids. Mam and Dad kept me away from them, more so my dad than Mam. There's a ten year age gap between Callie and myself, so other than family functions, I'm not really around them all.

"He was just paying his respects, Jessie, honey. He's not a man you need to worry about."

"Why, is he bad?" I ask, knowing that most of the men who work for Uncle Jer are bad, especially my dad.

"Honey, we don't need to talk about this. Right now, I'm worried about you. You're not letting anyone in. You and Jer were so close. What happened?"

That's a sure fire way for me to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. Aunt Nicola is usually so sweet about everyone, but with Stephen, she's extremely closed-lipped, which is weird.

I turn my head. Right now, I don't want to talk about Uncle Jerry and what happened. Dad told me why Mam's dead, and then yesterday, while we were mourning Mam in her open casket, he walked into our home with two of the Kelly sons. I couldn't believe my eyes. I don't understand why he would do that. Does he not care that Mam's dead and those monsters are responsible? But what I don’t get is why no one else has a problem with it. Why no one cares that he’s doing business with the men who killed my mam.

"Jess—"

"I'm tired," I whisper, cutting her off. I don't want to talk about it. "I just want this day to be over."

She slides her arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. "I know, honey," she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. "I do too. We're going to get through it. Sometimes we have to let others help us. You have to lean on us."

It's hard to do that when you feel alone. I don't have anyone I'm able to lean on. Nicola's too close to what I've lost. It's so very hard to be around her. Doing so hurts so very much. And Uncle Jer... God, that man has no loyalty. It's clear to see why he's such a great businessman. As for Dad, well, the man's never liked me. I've always been a thorn in his side.

The priest starts the ceremony and I close my eyes, letting his words filter through my mind. Images after images of Mam and I dance through my brain. Tears slowly fall from my eyes, and I duck my head, hoping no one will see them. I hate that there're so many people here, so many to witness the pain and grief we're all going through. But I get it. Mam was a social butterfly. She got along with everyone. She was loved by those she was friends with and she never did anything to harm anyone.

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