Page 95 of Bright Lights and Summer Nights

“Shall we get right to it?” Gram offers with a shrug.

I nod, my pulse spiking with anticipation. “Please tell me Preston’s okay,” I rush to get out. Last I saw, he was safe in Miami doing press for Super Bowl week. Did he get injured at practice? Oh god, what if he’s hurt and can’t play?

Gram clicks her tongue for a moment. “That’s the exact reason I’m here, dear.”

My stomach drops. What if something did happen? Before I can panic and ask her what happened, she holds her hands up to speak. “Physically, he’s fine. He’s focused on winning this game. But emotionally, lately, he’s…”

“He’s what?”

“He misses you, and I just wanted to come talk to you about what happened. I wouldn’t be a grandmother if I didn’t meddle a little bit in his personal life.”

I swallow. I didn’t know what to expect when I saw Gram waiting for me in my apartment lobby, but I wouldn’t have guessed that she was here to meddle in Preston’s and my relationship.

Apparently, I don’t respond to her fast enough because she keeps going. “Did you know that right after my late husband and I got married, I ran away for a week?”

My head cocks to the side. “No, I didn’t.” The only things I learned about Gram and Joseph were the things she shared with me and the small snippets of memories Preston told me about. But Gram’s words take me by surprise because I wasn’t expecting her to be the kind of person to run away.

“Well, I did. One morning, I woke up and realized I felt like I blinked and my entire life had changed. It didn’t feel bad, but it felt sudden. I didn’t feel like myself. So I left Joseph a note that I’d be back, and I caught the first bus out of the city.”

I lean forward, entranced by Gram’s words. “Where did you go? And why did you go?”

“I stopped at one little city after another. I couldn’t tell you the names of most of them. Where I was didn’t matter—it’s that in that week to myself I embraced the changes of my life. I embraced the uncomfortableness of the unknown, and within that, I realized I’d never known myself more.”

I mull over her words for a moment, a little shocked by the confession. “What happened when you got back home?”

“Joseph was waiting for me at the bus station. He pulled me off the bus and into his arms. I started crying from how much I missed him and how guilty I felt for feeling the need to leave in the first place. He didn’t let me get the words out. I still remember it clear as day to this day, sweet girl. Joseph grabbed my face in his hands and looked me right in the eye when he told me he’d always give me all the time in the world, that he’d wait for me. I never wanted to be a wife, not really. I wanted to spend my days wrapped up in a book and pretend the real world didn’t exist. I was scared by how much I loved him and was scared after we married so quickly. But I don’t regret a thing. If I could go back, I would’ve married him sooner because that man loved me even when I was messy and indecisive. In fact, I think he loved me because of those things.”

My eyes burn with unshed tears. I knew there was a reason that the moment I met Gram, it felt like we connected. Now, I feel it even more because her journey and my journey are far more similar than I could’ve ever expected.

“Why are you telling me this?” I croak, wiping under my eyes. I still have a face full of makeup on from filming content earlier, so I’m sure there are black smudges under my eyes that I’m only making worse by wiping.

“Because I understand you, dear. I was you. And I know true love when I see it, and I can tell you my grandson loves you despite anything you don’t love about yourself.”

Tears stream down my face at this point. “You don’t know that. I mean, he nev?—”

Gram swats at the air between us dismissively. “I knew my boy was falling for you in the Hamptons, and still loves you to this day. The same way I knew that the story you two fed the family was bullshit. You two had just met and, for reasons I’m not sure of, were telling the world you’d been dating.”

I stare at Gram with my mouth hanging wide open. I don’t know if I’m more surprised she said the word “bullshit” or the fact she knew Preston and I were lying. “What?” I get out, pausing for a moment to think about how she could know. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie.

Gram rolls her eyes. “Spare me the lies, darling. I could see right through your story.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I whisper. If she knew the entire time, she was really good at pretending she didn’t. She seemed invested in getting to know the story behind me and Preston.

Gram folds her hands in her lap and smiles knowingly at me. “Because I could still see Preston was crazy about you, even from the very beginning. I’d never seen anyone bring him out of his shell the way you did. It didn’t matter to me if you two had known each other for years or just met; all I knew was my boy was happy, and because of that, I minded my own business for once in my life.”

All of the interactions I had with Gram that first week and even in the months after Peyton’s wedding run through my mind. I feel a little silly about all the times we talked about our first dates and how we met in front of her, now knowing she saw right through all of it.

“Do you love him?” Gram asks, pulling me from my thoughts. I can barely keep up with her going from one subject to the next. I’m still recovering from her dropping the fact she knew about us, and the tiny tidbit she shared about believing Preston loved me, to even analyze my feelings.

Luckily, I’ve had plenty of time and space to think about how I feel about Preston. The answer I give her is easy and honest. “I do.”

“Then why aren’t the two of you together anymore?”

I look at the ceiling as I try to prevent more tears from falling. A lump forms in my throat as all of my fears and insecurities bubble to the surface. I can’t even look at Gram as I answer her. “Because when I met Preston and fell for him, I didn’t love how I felt about the mess that was my life. I pretended to, but at the end of the day, I didn’t. My summer was supposed to be full of adventure and doing just that. I’ve realized in my time since the summer that it wasn’t about getting my life perfectly together; it was about getting my life together enough to feel good about who I was. I needed to love myself and who I was becoming, the messy parts included. Instead, I let myself get lost in Preston. I fell in love with him before ever feeling that way about me. I knew, deep down, loving him before ever loving me and where I was at in my life on my own wasn’t fair to either one of us if we wanted a relationship that’d last.”

“What about now? How do you feel?”

I meet her gaze. My eyes sting from the tears forming, and at this point, there’s no use in me fighting them. I let her see me cry. “Now, I feel good,” I admit. “On some days, it’s hard when I compare my life to others. I’m just finally starting to find a career I love, and one I hope I can do long-term. My friends already have established careers and families, and sometimes, on an off day, I find myself comparing my journey to theirs. But I quickly snap out of it and realize it’s okay to be in a different place. I can appreciate the fact that I don’t have my life together, and that’s okay. I love that I don’t take life seriously and can laugh at the embarrassing things I’ll inevitably do. I’ve realized it’s okay to feel a little lost in life. Most importantly, I’ve learned to love exactly where I’m at in life on the good days and the bad days.”

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