Page 61 of Dangerously Tempting

Kat: I know she sent you away, but please don’t take anything she said to heart. She just needs time

Me: I know. She can take as long as she needs. I don’t expect anything

Kat: Well I do! I won’t let you end like this

Me: It’s her choice. Let her take what she needs

A Few Weeks Later

Kat: She’s being checked into a mental health center tomorrow. Do you want to come see her before she goes?

Me: No, I want to follow her wishes. I hope that this does her some good. Thank you, Kat.

Kat: Are you sure? I’m taking her to the clearing before I drop her off. She misses you, even if she won’t admit that to herself.

Me: I’m not going to push, Kat. She needs her space to get there herself

Me: What time will you be there?

33

Amelia

Playlist: "Let It Go," Chandler Leighton, Lø Spirit

It’s been a few weeks since I woke up in the hospital and I still feel so unlike myself. Every noise makes me jump. Every quick movement from those around me makes me flinch. The people I love the most in this world are not excluded from this and have triggered it countless times.

Kat has started having to leave the room every time it happens, and I’m not blind to the tears that fill her eyes as she departs. The knee jerk reactions of my body are breaking my best friend’s heart and, in turn, my own. I’m paranoid, terrified, and so full of guilt that I don’t know how to process it.

I know that the attack wasn’t my fault. I know that there’s no way I could have known what Tori intended to do, that she was so unhinged that she would go to the extent that she did. But the mental toll that the whole thing has had on my psyche left me unable to go back to life as if it never happened. The worst of it is that I can’t even tend to the relationships that meant everything to me before because I have nothing within my cup from which to pour.

She left me empty. Broken. Mind, body, and soul shattered.

There have been days that I’ve wondered if it would have been better if she’d succeeded. I would have avoided all of this pain and frustration. My bestie would have been devastated, but she is now too. And Jameson? He hurts to even think about.

Thoughts of him are the only ones that make emotions rush to the surface. I’ve spent several sleepless nights sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow, but I don’t regret sending him away. The pain in Kat’s eyes is nearly enough to bring me to my knees, I can’t bear to see it in his.

I sent him away because of my own fears, but if it had just been that keeping me away from him, I would have already given in and begged him to come back. I can’t bear to see the guilt in his. I can’t handle hearing his apologies. I can’t have his scent in my nose. I can’t feel his arms around me as he tries to offer comfort because it will finish the job that Tori didn’t. It will break me irreversibly.

But even through that, I cannot help the need to feel close to him. It’s been an unbearable itch under my skin that I just can’t reach. Kat says I should just call him, but she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t see the precipice that I’m dangling over in my mind. She doesn’t see how close I am to letting Tori win. But I do.

I see myself slipping away. I feel the death of my emotions more and more each day. My career, that used to mean so much to me, isn’t even something that I can fathom now. How could I ever go back into that building after what happened there? How could I ever walk up those stairs without fear climbing up my spine?

So quickly, so easily, she tore it all away from me.

But I see it. I see it, and that’s why I’m choosing to seek help. I don’t feel like plain therapy is enough at this point. I need something full time, and I know that I’m in a dark enough place in my mind that I need to be monitored. It’s all ‘just in case things’ that make sense to me, that seem to have brought even more worry to those around me.

I pull in a breath as I look out the window, reminding myself of why I’m doing this. I needed to come to this place one last time before I’m shut away from the world. I need to feel his presence to carry me through this, hoping that it alone will be enough to do the job, to give me the strength that I don’t have within myself. If only I could bring myself to get out of the car.

“Will it help if I open the door for you?” Kat finally asks, breaking the heavy silence that we’ve been sitting in. She’s parked at the top of the hill where we can see the tall grass dance in the light breeze, a peek of the far edge of the pond below, visible over its edges.

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

She nods, climbing out of the car without hesitation. Her door closes and I’m enclosed with an overwhelming silence that’s broken only by my hurried breaths. I don’t know how a place that brought me so much joy before is working my anxiety up so badly. When she pulls my door open, I startle, even though I expected her. She averts her eyes, saying nothing, and I press my lips together, squeezing the fingers of one hand with the other to try and get myself to shake this off.

With a deep breath I force myself to swing my legs out of the car and stand up, using my good hand on the door to support the movement so I don’t hit my arm in the sling on anything. The moment I step away from the door, Kat snaps it shut, removing my option for tucking tail and retreating back. We stare at each other for a moment and she motions towards the hill.

“I’m here if you need me,” she says softly, and I nod in understanding, forcing my legs to move.

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