Page 38 of Little Boy Toy

“Because after they plied me with toys and fun clothes, I would fall for them and then, you know. We’d go to bed, you know. And after that they didn’t want more. Like the first daddy I had went out with other boys. I didn’t know he would do that, so it surprised me. And hurt me.”

“You both had different expectations,” Zale observed.

“Completely. The first couple of times that happened, the relationship faded fast. I thought I’d just picked the wrong guy. But when it happened again, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. Then one daddy talked to me about it and said if I was looking for something more, I needed to be upfront about that. So I was upfront the next time.”

“And did it go better?”

“No. He didn’t cheat on me, but he was too tired all the time and too busy to play with me. And then all he wanted was for me to be his toy if you know what I mean. I left fast. I never returned any of his calls.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Zale’s voice came out soft and low.

“When you met me, I was taking a break. But I still liked to hang out in the playroom. It made me feel accepted for who I was. Like a home away from home.”

“I understand that.”

“I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I guess I wanted something more substantial but nothing I was doing was working.”

“It’s very hard to find relationships for people like us.”

“Like us?”

“The kink community has couples and throuples and polycules. It has everything, open relationships, closed but enjoying public displays, all kinds. But I’ve found in my own experiences most people want to come and go. Literally. They want hookups.”

“Yes, and the littles with permanent daddies were nice to see, and made me feel comfortable and accepted, but I was looking for single guys.” I sighed. “It just didn’t work.”

“So back to the original topic,” Zale prompted. “Tell me what a good daddy might be like for you.”

I took a deep breath. “Someone who just, well, who cares.” Why did I tear up when I said that? “Really, that’s it. Someone who takes his time with me to get to know me. It’s a huge thing and I haven’t gotten it before.”

“Before?”

“Well, you’re taking the time. I like that.” I didn’t want to pressure him. The words came tumbling out, so I went forward. “I guess I was looking at the uniform of a daddy at first, ticking off all the boxes of what a daddy should be and do. I like that stuff, but if there isn’t more, it’s not lasting. Then I get disappointed.” I didn’t add heartbroken, but it had happened.

“When we met we were both on a break at the same time for the same reasons,” Zale said.

“Yeah.” I pressed my head to his chest. “Weird, huh?”

“The reason I didn’t come on to you was because I believed we were from two different worlds and just sharing a moment. It wasn’t because I didn’t find you attractive. You are.”

My insides popped with sparks.

“Later,” he continued, “I decided I felt relaxed and comfortable around you and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. I really valued our friendship and I didn’t want to do anything to unbalance that or offend you.”

“We’re both gay. Why would I be offended? Even as a little, I like men…”

“I just thought you wanted to be left to yourself. You were alone when I met you. Plus, the rumors were—” He stopped abruptly.

“Oh. We talked about that. The ace thing? You didn’t actually say that was the rumor, but I figured it out.”

“Yeah. The rumors.”

I gulped back a bunch of feelings that started to come up. Anger. Hurt. Regret. Embarrassment.

“It was probably Rod. Or Travis. They gossip and exaggerate, I guess.”

“They probably have small egos,” Zale replied. “They have to have a reason they’re rejected so they say things and make assumptions because it can’t be because of them.”

“Thanks for saying that.”

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