Page 99 of My Almost Ex

Itell Ethel and Dori that I’m fine, I just have an upset stomach. On the way home, I hear the agitation in my voice when I have to explain what an IUD is.

All Ethel says is, “It stays there?”

They drop me home and I send Adam a message that we’ll talk when he gets home, but that I’m fine.

Fine should be my new slogan. Just a T-shirt that says “I’m fine” so I can point at it when people ask.

I go out to the deck and call my mom. She answers on the fifth ring, which means she probably wasn’t going to answer at all but couldn’t help herself.

“Lucy,” she says as if I’m a telemarketer.

“Did you know why I left Adam? You did, didn’t you? You purposely kept this from me?”

“Luce,” she says in the same way she has every time she’s hidden something from me.

“Tell me!” I scream. “I have a right to know. Did you know that’s why I left him?”

She’s silent.

“There’s my answer. How could you ever call yourself a mother? How could you let me come back here and rekindle things with him, knowing I can’t give him the one thing he wants? Was it just to hurt him? Hurt the Greenes? Hurt me as punishment for staying?” I can’t stop yelling as tears stream down my face.

All I can envision is despair and disappointment in the hazel eyes I love so much.

“I told you to come home. I didn’t want you up there, but you were defiant like always. What was I to do?”

“Tell me! Tell me you knew why I left, so at the very least I could’ve told him before we fell back in love.” I hate saying we fell back in love, because in my mind, I’ve always loved him.

“If he really loves you, Lucy, he’ll understand this is out of your control.”

“Mom!” I shake my head, unable to talk to her with the rage simmering through my veins. “I never want to talk to you again.” I click end call.

Sitting on the patio chair, I bury my head in my hands. How on earth do I tell this to Adam? Explain why I left? Explain that there’s a good chance he’ll never get the large family he always wanted?

The years of my parents’ own fertility problems come to mind. My mom’s roller coaster of emotions every time she went to the doctor. The false hope that this time might be it. The cost of treatments that put them in debt. My dad never being home because he was working three jobs to try to pay for the treatments. The vision of my mom’s back bruised on both sides as my dad tried to find a spot to poke her again. I close my eyes, understanding why the old Lucy ran. But I’m not sure why she didn’t talk to Adam about it.

I need my fucking journal.

I go into the closet and thumb through my journals. But I’ve read everything and there wasn’t anything about us trying to have a baby. Why would Dr. Ramirez even test me for it? After an hour, I come up empty once again. I wish I knew what I had been thinking that day. Why I would leave the only man who could get me through the devastating news?

For the first time in a long time, all I want to do is bury myself in the bed and wish this was just a nightmare.

I message Adam that I won’t be fixing dinner and he makes a joke about it being my time of the month. I strip down and put on my pajamas before sliding into bed.

“Luce,” Adam says, the weight of his body dipping the mattress. “You feeling okay?” He places the back of his hand on my forehead.

I turn toward him. He’s got his work shirt off, leaving him in his gray undershirt. I stare at him, reaching for him.

“What is it? You need some pain meds? I stopped at the store. Got you what you used to use and a new heating pad since I may have thrown away your old one.” He winces.

“Thanks.”

Then he opens his arms for me to crawl into and holds my head to his chest, my legs sliding between his.

“How was work?” I ask.

“Ah, the guy I’m training needs some common sense training, but uneventful.”

I sigh and tighten my arms around him, tears coming fast and hard. I’m unable to control them. How did the old me ever pretend everything was okay?

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