Page 84 of Ryker

“Oh, it is. You can’t let go of shit.” D marches towards the door. “I love you, Ryker. You know I’ll do anything for you. But you’ve got to stop being your own problem. You literally sabotage everything good in your life.”

“What good?” I yell. “I’m a whore who runs a sex club. I have nothing and no one.”

And now I’m flat broke.

“Nothing and no one, huh?” D nods his head. “Okay.” He walks out the door and Vault follows him.

Shit. I didn’t mean that. These guys have been there for me since the beginning. I don’t have nothing, I have them.

It’s just that I want more.

I love my club. I love offering a safe space for people to get their kinks on. I love working with my best friends. I love helping people. But there’s a huge hole in my heart that nothing has been able to fill. I grab onto things—people—and try to mold them into the shape of the cavity that’s inside me. They don’t ever fit.

Tara probably won’t either, so it’s a good thing she’s gone. I would have tried to morph her into that missing piece. I did it to Natalie. And I did it to—

“Hi Ry!” Kenzie leans over the coffee shot counter and flashes me a huge smile. “I was hoping I’d see you today.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“I’ve missed you.” She grabs my t-shirt and yanks me in for a kiss. Each time she does this, it injects joy into my black veins. Kenzie looks at me with these little puppy dog eyes and is never not smiling, which helps my black heart smile too. She’s the sun in my stormy life. We’ve been dating for three months, and I haven’t told her what I do for a living yet. It makes me feel like a fake and a liar.

I hate myself for it.

I’m just not ready to let her go yet. She makes me feel good. Happy. Normal. D says it’s a mistake to string her along without being upfront with her, but I just need this fantasy to last a little longer. My mom’s disintegrating and being with Kenzie comforts me, even if she doesn’t know I’m battling a war for my mom’s life. And mine.

“Where have you been? I tried calling last night, but you didn’t answer.”

“I was working,” I say, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She has the cutest earlobes ever. “Just left the butterfly conservatory.”

“Awwww. I’m so jelly. I wish I could have gone with you.”

I flash her a smile, then bite my bottom lip once her gaze drifts to my mouth. “When do you get off work?”

“One.”

That will give me time to meet with Jackson Barre, piss on him while he gets off, then I can grab something to eat and catch the bus back here. “How about I scoop you up and we can go to the conservatory together this afternoon?”

She lights up. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I chuckle. God, she’s so bubbly and happy. I love it.

“Oh shoot. I have to study for an exam.” My girl’s in college and smart as fuck. “Can we make it a quick trip?”

The quicker the better, because I need to get home to my mom. “However long you want to stay, that’s how long we’ll be.”

“Okay!” She beams me another killer smile, and I swear my heart pounds harder every time I see her happy.

“I’ll see you soon, Kenzie.”

“Hey!” she yells, when I turn away. “Don’t you dare walk away from me like that, Ryker Hudson.”

Biting my back laugh, I turn towards her and grin. “Did I forget something?”

“Damn straight you did.” She hops on the counter and grabs me by the back of the neck. Then she kisses me like it’s her last act on this earth. The other baristas hoot and laugh. Pure joy bubbles out of me because of it. “I love you,” she says against my lips.

My heart explodes.

That’s who I’ve compared Tara to. The first and only girl who said she loved me. The first and only girl who, once she found out the truth of my life, looked at me like I was shit on the bottom of her shoe. The girl who ran and never looked back.

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