Page 46 of One-Star Romance

“That makes sense.” Natalie scanned the room. “Oh! I think Gabby’s mom is calling me over. Be back in just a second.”

She ran over to Gabby’s mom, startling her as she laid out a platter of tortillas. “How’s the setup going? Can I help in the kitchen?”

“No, no.” Gabby’s mom waved her hand. “Enjoy the party.”

“Please let me help. Please.”

Gabby’s mother looked a bit taken aback. “If you insist. I could use someone to slice up more avocados.”

“I’m on it,” she said, then ran back over to Jeff. “I’m being conscripted into helping lay out the food.”

“Want an extra set of hands?” he asked.

“You stay here and relax. Look, there’s Becks and Shay, you should go talk to them.”

Jeff and Natalie had gone on a few double dates with Becks and Shay. (Because, on the dance floor at Gabby and Angus’s wedding, in their matching bridesmaid dresses, Becks and Shay had drunkenly declared their feelings for each other. Ever since then, gloomy Becks had walked with a skip in her step. The power of love.)

One thing Natalie admired about Jeff was that he did not lack for conversation. She could leave him alone at a party where he knew no one and find him an hour later with three new best friends. He always had a getting-to-know-you question to throw in. “Which one of you is the Bert, and who’s the Ernie?” or “If you could live anywhere in the world for one summer, where would it be?” Sometimes it was fantastic to have someone take charge of the small talk, steering it to unexpected places beyond the usual chitchat about jobs and location. Every once in a while, though, Natalie couldn’t stop herself from wincing when he busted out another thought-provoking question that she’d heard before. He’d been a camp counselor for a few years, and sometimes his conversational maneuvering had a tinge of leading games in the woods to distract campers from their rumbling stomachs. There was something effortful about it, a sort of barely suppressed terror of letting a conversation peter out.

“Oh yeah, I’ve got to ask them how their wedding planning is going.” Jeff started over to Shay and Becks before turning back and grabbing Natalie’s arm. “Wait, I almost forgot the best part. Drew also told me that the insulation between apartments is so good you can barely hear the neighbors having sex.” He grinned and winked at her, and she couldn’t help but laugh. Jeff’s current upstairs neighbors had a very active bedroom life and would sometimes wake Jeff and Natalie in the middle of the night with their screams. As much as she hated it, she loved those moments too, the way they united her and Jeff, how they made snarky comments to each other until the neighbors quieted and they were able to get back to sleep.

She stepped forward and kissed him briefly, and he tightened his arms around her waist, then gave her a gentle push. “All right, go help Gabby’s mom,” he said.

Natalie disappeared into the kitchen, resting her head against the refrigerator door in the one empty spot between Christmas cards, magnets, and family pictures.

She didn’t understand why she was so anxious. Of course she wanted to live in a lovely apartment near a bagel shop where the neighbors’ moans were muffled, even if she was worried about the added expense. And she loved Jeff. She really did! He was an excellent partner who listened to her and adored her unconditionally, believing in her when she didn’t believe in herself. Also, as far as she could tell, he was not hiding any secret gambling or sex addictions. But she couldn’t stop the slight swirl of panic in her belly when she thought about the prospect of living with him, all the time. Every night, falling asleep locked in his arms. Every morning, listening to him tell her about his dreams. (He had so many of them, and they were always very long and involved.) Sometimes after they’d spent a few days together in a row, Natalie had to go take a long nap. On the other hand, sometimes after they’d spent a few days apart, she’d wake up and wish he was next to her with his cute, soft snore.

Maybe it all felt too quick? But they’d been together almost a year and a half, and she was about to turn thirty. She was very chill about the looming birthday and had zero feelings of terror and anguish! Actually, her relationship with Jeff was the one thing stopping her from completely self-destructing over it. She had no idea what was happening with her career and time was slipping through her fingers, but at least she had a nice man who loved her. A smart and responsible man who paid his rent early and held her with infinite patience and tenderness when she cried over nothing. That was worth so much.

Plenty of her friends were moving in with partners more quickly, starting to panic that time might be running out, eggs withering and single people disappearing from the marketplace. It wasn’t like Jeff was springing this on her. He had brought the discussion up months ago. She’d had plenty of time to think about it.

Maybe the problem was that she thought about it too much. Did other people walk around with a constantly shifting mental pros and cons list about spending the rest of their life with their partner?

God, she was defective, missing some small but essential piece required for assembly of a full human. Like an Ikea dresser for which the warehouse had forgotten to include just one screw when packaging everything up. She still looked normal from the outside when she was with Jeff, but give her a little push, and she’d ricket.

No. It was just a big change. Of course it made her nervous! Other people probably felt this way too, they just didn’t talk about it.

Someone else walked into the kitchen, and Natalie yanked her forehead away from the fridge, then tried to surreptitiously wipe off the mark she’d left on it (from perspiration? Gross) as she turned to see who had interrupted her existential spiral.

Zuri. Rob’s beautiful, serene, slightly imposing girlfriend. She glided in with her high, smooth forehead, her hair pulled back in a series of small braids, her voice low so that you had no choice but to lean in toward her while she was talking. She seemed like the kind of woman Rob would want, one who thought before she spoke, turning the words over in her mind and then presenting them in full sentences with no “ums” or hesitation. A controlled woman, sure to say and do the right thing. The kind of woman you worked hard to impress.

“Hello,” she said now. “Angus’s father brought Gabby’s family a new futon as a present, and Robert is carrying it in, so I came to see if I could be useful.”

“Oh. Um, sure. We’re supposed to cut up some more avocados, so I was just looking to see where they might be—”

Before Natalie had even finished speaking, Zuri had found the bag of avocados, a knife, and a cutting board. She began slicing and pitting, a model of efficiency.

Sometimes when Natalie read a book written by an incredible writer, she was racked by competing feelings—deep admiration and deep jealousy. Thrilled by the possibilities of what someone could do while feeling like a hunk of useless garbage who’d never achieve anything herself. Zuri made her feel a similar way. Much as it pained her to admit it, Natalie understood completely why Rob had turned her down for this woman.

“Are you having fun so far?” Natalie asked.

“Yes. It has been a wonderful event.” A restrained smile played at the corners of Zuri’s mouth. “I think I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.”

“You love watching a screaming baby get dipped in water, huh?”

“Something like that.” She gave an avocado pit a light whack with the knife, twisting it out of the green meat. “I do know that Robert feels bad about insulting your book earlier.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Natalie said. Was speaking of Rob so formally Zuri’s idea of a pet name? “And thank you. But you don’t have to apologize on behalf of your boyfriend.” A strange look came over Zuri’s face. “I’m sorry, did that come off as rude? I didn’t mean—”

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