Page 29 of Dirty Play

Ellie

We’re at Trevor’s parents for the day. Raincheck?

Definitely!

Cassie

When?

Nowish? I can’t lie on my laundry waiting for it to fold itself any longer.

Sawyer

I can be there in half an hour

Cassie

See you then!

Ellie

Have fun!

Changing out of my pajamas, which consist of the oversized t-shirt and panties I wore last night, I grab a pair of leggings and a sports bra and throw them on along with a thin sweatshirt and head out.

Walking through the park to our usual meeting spot, I immediately feel happier being outside. It’s a nice day—people everywhere, some running through the park or walking their dogs, and everyone just seems happy.

I want to be too. I want to be happy more than I can put into words, but right now, everything sucks, and happiness seems so far out of my reach.

I’m irritated that my parents are always too busy to take an interest in me outside of my profession. I don’t want them to take an interest in the Gwen who went to nursing school or the Gwen who works in PICU. I want them to like the daughter who loves yoga, reads trashy books, and binges reality TV. The daughter who loves any combination of chocolate and peanut butter and would eat cereal for dinner every night if it wasn’t frowned upon.

My parents have no idea who I am, and that alone is enough to depress me. Throw in everything with Kennedy—her slow, steady decline in kidney function and the steps we’re needing to take changing week to week at this point—and that’s enough to keep me up at night worrying.

Then, of course, there’s Cade. Which is why I called the girls. I honestly haven’t even figured out how to feel about everything with him, and I need help. Right now, I just know it sucks, but I can’t even pinpoint exactly what about it sucks so much. Is it because I want to hook up again? Because I regret it? Or is it because Cade is one of my best friends, someone who I’ve always felt connected to, and he fucked me and then left me, proving I’m really not worth anyone's time outside of just getting what you need.

“Gwen, over here!” Cassie shouts from the bench, two iced coffees in hand, while Sawyer stands to the side on the phone, her emotional support iced coffee already in hand.

I wave and walk over, graciously accepting the coffee from Cass.

“Hey! Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.”

“Not a problem,” Cassie says. “Max is driving me crazy right now. Now that it’s the offseason, he has so much extra time on his hands, and he is a human golden retriever. He needs constant attention and snuggles.”

“That’s because he’s a pain in the ass, but you knew that before you started dating my brother, so it’s your own damn fault,” Sawyer says, planting her butt on the bench next to me. “How are you, though?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“Lies.”

“I don’t know, I guess. Everything is just kind of a mess, and I don’t even know where to begin,” I tell them truthfully.

“I have an idea. Let’s walk to Stella’s bakery, grab some desserts, and then I want to hear the whole story.”

“Fine. But I want one of her cinnamon rolls for myself. And a Danish.”

Once I’ve gotten my pastries, I tell them about my phone call with my parents and my annoyance and disappointment with them. As I’m finishing my Danish, I fill them in on the basics of the Kennedy and Cade meeting and how we’re still hopeful we’ll be able to find a match for her.

“That’s a lot. You know how I feel about shitty parents; life has been so much better since I stopped giving mine too much airspace in my life,” Sawyer says. “It’s much easier said than done, but it made me a lot happier to put distance as well. There came a point when I realized I was mourning the reality of who I wanted my parents to be, not who was actually in my life. Once I realized that, I was able to grieve.”

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