Page 24 of Dirty Play

The only benefit to being an only child to two workaholic parents is that you become very comfortable with being alone… a lot. I’ve sort of learned when you work in the medical field, it will always be a huge part of your life, which is why these past few years I’ve taken a huge step back from dating and had little to no personal life.

It didn’t help that Dr. Dickhead told me if I were spending my time dating in the first few years of becoming a nurse, it would look like I didn’t care about my job. I know it’s bullshit, but it was enough for him to get into my head. It also doesn’t help that I turned him down at a bar before knowing who he was—I was out with a friend and wasn’t interested. He was less than thrilled when I said no. A man with a hurt ego can really spew some bullshit, and he’s definitely made his opinion of me known at work, which is why I haven’t actually dated a man in four years.

No point in trying to start a relationship when I’m not going to have enough time to spend with them, and they’ll end up leaving me anyway. At least this way, I don’t have to get my heart broken.

Before finishing laundry, I spent a few minutes answering texts. To the surprise of no one, Sawyer and Cassie were in our group chat debating what the superior type of donut is. They were in a full-out battle over whether a glazed donut was better—Cassie—or if a chocolate donut with sprinkles was better—Sawyer.

You’re both wrong.

Maple bar. I will accept no other answers.

I hover my finger over Cade’s name, still not ready to talk to him but needing to know what he said when he texted me the other night. I can always just open it, read it, then close it… right? I don’t have to respond, right? Giving in, I click his name, surprised when I see his message.

Cade

I fucked up, Tink. I already know.

I hope you don’t hate me forever.

I look down at my phone like it’s in a foreign language. He didn’t apologize. But, I mean, I guess he’s trying. I want to forgive him, I do. And honestly, maybe I already have, I’m just not ready to admit it yet. I feel like as long as I don’t admit I forgive him, I’m not admitting I let him hurt me.

I don’t. I just think you’re a fucking asshole.

Cade

I agree.

Throwing my phone onto my bed, I turn my music on full blast while I finish laundry and do a deep clean of my apartment. Weekends are fun, but it’s also the only time I have to catch up on life, and I only have four hours left until work, so it’s time to get a move on.

Mondays are always the worst day of the week because it means Dr. D is here for the night shift again. It’s a busy evening tonight on our floor, with three patients who recently had surgery and are almost ready to go home, while we have another patient recovering from a surgery yesterday. One of them had a brain tumor removed a little over a week ago, and they get to go home tomorrow with the good news that it was benign. The reports came back today, and it sounds like they got it all.

I have two patients right now—Kennedy and a boy named Benny. Benny had heart surgery, and while it was a rough start, he’s nearly ready to go home and see his new baby sister that he’s been so excited to meet. All the happy news makes this job so rewarding. The unfortunate part of healthcare is sometimes you do everything possible, and you still can’t fight fate.

So, when I run into Denise and Josh and see tears in their eyes, my heart immediately hurts from their pain.

“Are you okay?” I ask as Josh hugs Denise into his side, her eyes rimmed red.

“It’s just been a rough day, and things just don’t seem to be getting better. She hates being here on dialysis, and when they talked to her about how she will probably stay here until she has a donor, she lost it. She didn’t handle the news well and just broke down. She has never asked us to leave the room, but tonight, she demanded some alone time and started crying as I closed the door behind us.”

“I’m so sorry, that’s a lot to take in all at once, and I can only imagine how much that hurts to hear from your daughter. Kennedy loves you both so much. She just might need some time. We all process news differently, and it might take some time for her to grieve the path she thought she would be on. I’m sure it’s difficult when it’s your own kid, and you’re struggling at the same time.”

Josh nods, his jaw clenched as he fights his emotions. “She’s just lost the joy she used to have, and I know it’s because she’s so tired of missing out on everything. She’s constantly here fighting for her health. But she’s stopped taking an interest in anything, and it’s killing me to watch. She used to love sports—watching them, playing them, talking about them. I mean, soccer was her life. But now, it’s like she just wants to watch TV and pretend nothing else exists, and it’s hard not being able to help.”

“Look, go take a walk, grab a coffee or something. I know it’s getting late. Maybe grab her some ice cream. I have two more patients to check on, and then it’s her turn. If she throws me out, we’ll figure out a plan B, but maybe she really does just needs a minute to cool down.”

“Thank you,” Josh says as Denise starts to sob. They walk away with sad smiles, and I feel for them. They feel helpless, waiting for a match that may never come. Knowing everyone around them who's been tested has come back negative can be quite disheartening.

All I can do is hope somehow, somewhere, a perfect match shows up.

When I finally make it to Kennedy’s room, she’s turned on Gilmore Girls and is sitting up with a snack.

“Hey,” I say as I walk in. “How are you?”

“Just peachy, but I’m sure you’ve already talked to my parents,” Kennedy says, her typical sass gone, replaced by sadness, and I hate it.

“Yeah, but it’s not them I want to hear it from. I want you to tell me what’s going on.”

She looks at me for a moment before grabbing the remote and pausing Gilmore Girls. Then she unloads. Every feeling, experience, and thing that has pissed her off comes out, and all of the emotions you would expect a fifteen-year-old girl to feel appear at once. She just wants to feel normal, be with her friends, play soccer, and kiss boys, but she can’t because ‘her stupid kidneys are trying to kill her.’

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