Page 76 of Power Play

Deal, be safe.

As I head to the dance studio I sometimes use on campus, I can’t seem to stop myself from overthinking the dinner. It’s fucking infuriating that they think they can continue to manipulate me into doing things for them, especially when my mother has completely cut me off. What do they think they have to use as leverage to get me to help?

Letting myself into the studio, I’m thankful it’s empty. It might be the release I need. I’ve been craving movement lately, feeling the need to dance in my bones, and I finally feel like I’m ready to take the leap, literally.

I set my phone up to the speakers and press play. Sia’s “Chandelier” starts blaring through the speakers. I slowly start to move, letting my body flow with the music and doing my best not to think. My favorite type of dancing has always been when I turn off my brain and just let the music move me.

I’m able to not think about my movements, but I can’t stop thinking about everything else going on in my life. From my feelings for Rex to the pain and hurt my family has caused me to the dream I have to open a studio, none of it will stop. Before I realize it, tears are streaming down my face, but I can’t stop dancing. It’s cathartic and cleansing, almost like these emotions have been begging to come out and they’re finally able to.

It's painful. I feel heartbroken but also fresh and happy, like this is a new leaf turning over. I keep dancing as the songs change until I feel myself struggling to stand, but that doesn’t stop my body from wanting to make the leap.

For the first time in years, I go to jump but can’t. Collapsing to the floor, I start to cry, really cry. The tears seem unending, like the pain from the last few years has become so overwhelming that I’m not sure what to do.

It’s here on the floor that Rex finds me sometime later and brings me into his arms.

“Do it again,” he whispers into my ear. “I want you to try again. Jump to me.”

I stare at him like he’s speaking a foreign language, but eventually I just nod as he helps me stand up.

“Remember, I’ll never let you fall, baby girl. Trust yourself and trust me. You’ve got this. I remember getting back on the ice for the first time. I was sure I was going to get the same injury again, but our bodies know our sports even if our mind tries to forget. Just believe, okay?” he implores.

Is he really here right now? Is this man really helping me pick myself up, believing in me when I barely even believe in myself? With the music still going, I start to move, tears still streaming down my face, but I keep my eyes on Rex, his gaze never straying from mine.

The music keeps going, and I keep dancing, moving towards Rex. He’s standing in one spot, his feet spread apart, his hands out in front of him, ready to catch me when I fall. It’s in this moment that I realize I’ve already fallen. Harder than I ever would have if I jumped. He’s made me see a part of myself that I’ve kept hidden for a long time, all while supporting my dreams and reminding me just how much of a badass I am.

This realization makes the tears come faster.

When the moment comes for me to leap, Rex’s hands grab my hips, lifting me up in the air above him. It feels like a movie as he begins to spin with me still in his hold. He spins for a moment, letting me feel the music and the relief of finally taking that leap again. But most importantly, it’s the time I craved and that I needed to feel the love I feel for this man, even if I’m too afraid to admit it, even to myself. As he brings me down chest-to-chest with him, his hands on my lower back holding me up, I fall into his body and cry.

“Sawyer, baby. You’re okay. I’ve got you,” Rex murmurs into my hair, one hand rubbing small circles on my back. “What’s going on, baby girl?”

But I can’t talk. All I can do is cry, so I let the tears fall. I let them fall for the little girl who lost her dream of being a ballerina. I let them fall for the young woman who lost her whole family when they turned their back on her. I let them fall for the woman who believed she was unlovable since no one ever stayed permanently in her life.

Rex picks me up in his strong hold, turns off the music, and carries me out of the studio, not even putting me down as I locked up. By the time we get to his car, I’m all cried out.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur as he drives, his hand resting on my leg in a comforting way.

Turning to face me, Rex looks sad—vulnerable even—and I can’t quite figure out why.

“No, Sawyer. You don’t get to be sorry. You don’t get to apologize for this.”

I’m taken aback by his bluntness, especially directed at me. What?

“I—”

“No, Sawyer, you don’t understand. You didn’t do this. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that you needed to apologize for showing emotions and for needing someone. You should never feel that with me. I’m with you every step of the way,” Rex says, his hand gripping my thigh as he watches the road. “Right now, I’m really fucking pissed Max is on my team because I wish I could teach him a fucking lesson.”

“I’m okay, Rex,” I tell him, realizing I may actually be telling the truth. I had a ton of emotions hit me all at once. Some were sad, some were painful, but some were filled with so much happiness and love that I wasn’t sure how to process them. Apparently, my body decided tears were the answer.

Turning towards me, the smile on his face is filled with the same love I feel deep inside. I’m not sure if it’s his eyes, his face, or the passion radiating from him, but I think he might be feeling the same as me, and we’re both just too afraid to admit it.

“It’s fine. I’m just glad Cassie told me I should swing by after practice,” he says, squeezing my thigh.

“Me too. Cassie knew you guys had practice? That’s weird. I wasn’t aware she was that involved with the hockey team,” I tell him. It is weird because she’s not much of a sports girl. She’s always been more interested in athletes outside of their work. Rex shrugs, seeming as unsure as I am.

“I have Rory tonight, so I can’t be gone for too long. But is it cool if I come up and hang out for a bit? I’m not quite ready to leave you yet,” Rex says as he parks his Jeep in our apartment garage.

“Of course. If you don’t have time, I’m okay to be alone. Don’t feel like you have to take care of me.”

---