Page 21 of Chains

Because of it, I refuse to wear the clothes I used to that showed off my midriff when I would go out with Lexie.

“What?” I ask, I know I sound defensive, but I can’t help it. Lexie was annoying me with her watchful eyes. She refuses to leave me alone, even refusing to go to Chains homecoming a few weeks ago because she didn’t want to leave me alone. I didn’t go because I didn’t want to be surrounded by all the club bunnies. And watching him with them wasn’t my idea of a fun night out. Which was stupid because I wanted to be alone, to wallow in self-pity. But she wouldn’t allow that either.

I loved her and I understood she was worried, but I needed some me time. Something she wouldn’t give me. I could’ve stayed with my dad back in Dallas, but that wouldn’t have been a solution, either. He would have hovered over me like a helicopter, just like Lexie was doing right now.

Fingering the silver chain around my neck with the onyx ring attached to it. The police returned it to me after I left for the rehabilitation center, and I haven’t taken it off since. Why I continue wearing it when I should throw it in Chains’ face is beyond my comprehension.

However, it keeps me grounded, and when I'm on the brink of being overwhelmed by the painful memories of the assault, the knowledge of its presence soothes me.

It had taken all my strength to tell him I was going to stay with her. Despite his initial hurt and anger, in the end he understood. We talk on the phone almost every night.

My business I’ve had to leave in the capable hands of one of my employees until I was fully ready to return to work. Now I just had to figure out a way to convince Lexie that I was fine.

“Come on, go on up and get dressed, you and I are going out,” she announces, looking at the sandwich I have halfway to my mouth. “If I don’t take you to Fitness Fuel, you’re going to end up looking like the Good Year blimp.” she says with a grin.

I wanted to laugh, because since being released from the hospital I’ve hardly eaten, and have dropped more pounds than was healthy. So, I knew she was joking. But the look she was sending me brooked no argument.

“Gee, thanks.” I reply, my voice dripping with sarcasm. We stared at each other for a beat before I add incredulously, “You’re joking, right?”

“No, why would I joke? I want to go to the gym; I haven’t been there since you came to stay with me. I want to catch up with Ky.” The sandwich I was ready to scarf down with relish sat like a concrete brick in the pit of my stomach. The thought of going out in public making me break out in a cold sweat. Even though it’s with people I’m familiar with.

Going to the gym, especially one that the DCMC owned, meant dressing in skimpy workout clothes. Something that I wasn't ready for. Not if there was a chance of Chains being there.

“You’ve gotta get out there sometime. What a better time than now? I refuse to watch you close yourself off here any longer.”

“If you want to go so much, you can. I’m not stopping you.” I tell her stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest in a defensive stance.

Lexie arches a finely shaped brow. “Nice try. I’m not about to leave you alone with your maniac husband still on the loose.”

My lawyer hasn’t been able to serve Caleb with the divorce papers because he’s vanished. And now the police are involved because he assaulted me. That I’m still legally married to the man pisses me off.

Knowing Caleb is still roaming free has me rattled, but I’d be damned if I was outwardly going to show just how much.

She’s right, what if he comes for me to finish the job? He may not know where to find me straight away, but he’s not a stupid man. He’ll find me, eventually.

I wanted to stomp my foot like a child and rail at her. But she was right, I was closing myself off. And doing that would only lose me, the only friend on this earth that I have.

I know I was only hurting myself by doing it. And I hadn’t seen Chains since moving in with Lexie. So maybe he wouldn’t even be at the gym today? With any luck, Kick’s sent him out of town on club business.

The need to remain indoors where nothing could hurt me was overwhelming. Being out there, where Caleb could find me, and being vulnerable to Bodie, who could stomp on my heart again, was too great of a risk.

But she was looking at me with so much hope in her eyes that I couldn’t say no to her. So, without another word, I turned on my heel and went to my room to change. I wasn’t going to admit that seeing Chains again would undo me, because I couldn’t handle him seeing the changes in me.

Tears stream down my face as I retreat to my room, fixating on the closet that now seems like a menacing presence. Taking a deep breath, I chastised myself for acting like an idiot, and headed to the closet with determination, flinging open the doors.

I ignore the many gym clothes I own; it’s been almost a year since I’ve been anywhere near a gym and now, after my attack, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I was going to put any of those on and walk into a crowded place.

Ignoring the ugly raised scar on my belly, I slip into an oversized gray sweater and a pair of gray sweats that are now much too big for me. The weight just keeps dropping off me. Of course it will, if you don’t eat. An unwelcome voice invades my thoughts, and I shut her down with a slam of my wardrobe door.

Whatever. I don’t need or want to be ogled. That’s when I finally do look at my reflection in the mirror. And what I see I don’t like as the clothes I’m wearing hang off me. But I don’t have the energy to change things. And really, why should I? I’m not the person I was before the assault. Everyone needs to realize that, and get out of my way.

I couldn't stay in Dallas; I needed a fresh perspective and to take charge of my life instead of relying on my father. Lexie's place has top-of-the-line security, ensuring that Caleb wouldn’t be able to get anywhere near me.

I absently fluff my hair, which is still a rich auburn color, but now cut into a pixie style. Since they’d shaved it at the hospital, it’s been growing unevenly, and Lexie was kind enough to get one of her friends who’s a hairdresser to come to her place, and cut and style my hair for me.

Satisfied with my appearance, I return to the living room and find Lexie on her phone, talking to someone in hushed tones. When she sees me, she quickly disconnects the call, and I get the impression that she was talking about me.

“You didn’t have to disconnect the call on my account.” I tell her, showing that I know she did it because of me.

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