Page 41 of That Kiss

“I don’t care, Decker. I deserve to know.”

I sink down into the chair, leaning my elbows on my knees. “I think it started out as one reason but turned into another. I—my reputation wasn’t great. I’ve never been one for relationships or commitment; I was always interested in having fun and then ‘on to the next’ once we were bored of each other . . . which was usually pretty quickly since the women I did choose to date had the same idea as me.”

“So you slept around a lot before us? I wouldn’t hold that against you.”

“I know that; it wasn’t for that reason. The ongoing joke in my family was that I couldn’t settle down, which was my own doing. But anyway, I didn’t want that outside noise from them, especially considering I proposed to you after only six months.”

“You didn’t think they’d be supportive?”

“They would have been, but—that’s what I mean by it started as one reason but morphed into something else. When I think about it, now that I look back at it honestly, I think the real reason I never told them was because the other part of that joke is that I can’t settle down because I’m always looking at every other woman instead of . . . the one I’m meant to be with.”

“Juniper?”

I nod. The day after my talk with Juney, I told Camilla about her. I didn’t go into the details, but she knows we slept together recently and that I kissed Juney after Camilla rejected my proposal.

“My family would have loved you and accepted you; I don’t think that was what this was about. I’m the one who never even gave you a fair chance. I have no right to be hurt by your rejection when I hid you. I knew that if I told Ranger I was going to propose, he’d tell me I was only kidding myself.” I look over at her and she swallows roughly. I continue: “I loved you, I did. I know that’s probably impossible to believe right now with everything I’m telling you, but I know that I did.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me or believe me, but I never meant to hurt you. I truly believed I was starting over in Texas—that you were my happily ever after. I swear I didn’t realize I was running at the time. I used you to get over her, and that was wrong.”

“As much as this is heartbreaking to hear, I think part of me knew your heart was somewhere else. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t say ‘yes.’ Maybe the universe was sending me signals.”

“Is that what you truly believe?”

She shrugs, a pathetic smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She lets out a long sigh and looks out into the darkness. “Honestly, Deck, I don’t know, but I think both of us have told ourselves things along the way to feel better about everything falling apart. And maybe that’s the best we can do in this situation.”

“You really believe that?”

I expect anger or tears in her eyes, but all I see is understanding. “I know it was incredibly unfair for me to just show up here like this and turn your world upside down. I think I naively thought that you were still pining for me up here—that I’d show up and we’d fall right back into what we had, but I know . . .” she chokes, a tear threatening to fall, “I know that was wishful thinking.”

“It was real. I hope you know that.” I look at her. “What I felt for you, what we had . . . I meant it when I proposed. I was ready to commit to us and our love, but you weren’t, and that’s okay. I think we just messed up the timing on all of it.”

She laughs through her tears. “I think that is an extremely romantic and poetic way to look at it, and I do believe you, Deck. Truly, I know you loved me, but if we’re being honest . . .” She doesn’t finish—she just looks at me and I know exactly what she’s saying.

She and I were never meant to be.

“I don’t regret the time we shared together.” I reach over and squeeze her hand. “You were there for me at a time when I didn’t realize how much I needed someone, so thank you.” She opens her mouth, a peculiar look in her eyes, then she turns away. “What? What are you thinking?” I ask.

She looks away a few more seconds before finally looking back at me. “I—I have something I never told you either.” I don’t know why, but my stomach drops. “I know what it’s like to have a Juniper.” I furrow my brow in confusion at her, and she says, “Miguel.”

My eyebrows feel like they’re about to leap off my face. “My cowboy Miguel down in Texas? The one I met you through?”

She pulls her hand from mine and buries her face in her hands. “Yes.”

“Wow.” I can’t help but laugh, and suddenly she’s doing the same. “So, we really are two emotionally fucked-up people who somehow fell in love . . . only for it to force us to realize we belong to other people.” We look over at each other, a weird feeling of closure, sadness, but also peace settling over us. “So, do you think you two will . . . ?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, honestly. Unlike you and Juniper, the dynamic with him was a few years ago. We’ve both dated different people since then, but never found our way back to each other.”

“Don’t give up hope. Maybe this was the closure you needed to realize he’s worth fighting for.” She nods her head as a few more tears fall from her eyes. I reach over and grab her hand again, squeezing it one last time.

We hold hands for another minute until she finally stands up. “I’m going to go pack and get some sleep. But I want you to know that you’re going to make a wonderful husband and father someday, Deck. Don’t doubt that. Good night.”

For hours after she’s gone to bed, Camilla’s question hangs in my head.

“Are you in love with her?”

I’ve avoided that question for as long as I can, not sure if I’m ready to answer it to myself. Not because I don’t want to be in love with Juniper, but because she is young and wild and free, some of the many things that make me love her.

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