Page 114 of The Blackmail of Denise Randall

“Well? You’re killing me here. What is it?”

“Roland didn’t make it… He died.”

I can hear the blood swooshing in my ears. Roland was a lot of things, but he was also my first. Now, he’s gone. I should’ve went to him when I saw Kamila shoot him. I didn’t though. I was so scared and knew Keaton and I needed to get away. But we left him.

Maybe he was dead instantly. But what if he died alone? Did he even make it to a hospital before he died?

Did I love him? I think so, in a way, but it’s hard to say. I was high for most of our relationship, so it’s unclear how much of it was real. It was nothing like the way my heart beats for Keaton. My heart aches and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’ve struggled with this entire time. We’re not supposed to feel any certain way. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. We just have to feel. We have to let ourselves feel and deal with it. Not run away from it. Not numb it with drugs. Just let it happen. So that’s what I do. I allow myself a moment to feel the loss of the man that I gave my virginity to. The man that I was intimate with and, at one time, craved like my next breath. At first, the tears burn, but then they wash away all my anguish. I let the barriers and walls break, and all of my emotions flow out of me like a raging river. The weight I’m carrying slowly becomes lighter.

It’s all out now. Everyone knows my dirty secrets and the man that held so many of them is gone. I know I’ll probably think about him again over the years. Even if I didn’t want a life with him and even though he conned me into being with him, he was still somebody that made an impact on my life. My vision of him may even change over the years. For right now, for my own sense of peace, I want to simply remember him as Roland. A man that gave me a little peace during my darkest hour, and for a brief moment made me feel desired. He wasn’t the love of my life, but without him, I might not have realized how special what I have with Keaton is.

“There’s more,” Trent whispers.

“No, we can’t tell her that now,” Mom hisses.

That gets my attention. Keaton. They haven’t said anything about him. My heart beats wildly in my chest. I know from life that things don’t always go as planned. I was supposed to be the ‘good one’ in the family, and I’ve fucked everything up royally. People can die. People can hurt you. I’m not some fairy tale princess, I’m capable of being the evil queen as much as I am being the sweet princess. I’m not sure I can handle the ending Alice is about to tell me by the look on her face.

“Keaton is in a coma.”

“A—a coma? So he’s not dead!” I beam. “He’s going to be okay.” This is fine. He’s going to be okay. He’s going to come back to me. We’re going to have our kiss and happily ever after.

“We don’t know,” Trent says.

While my mom says, “Of course, Honey.”

I look between the two of them, and then I turn to Alice. She wouldn’t lie to me, she hates lying. Her eyes tell me all I need to know.

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