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“I don’t have the answers to those questions, but my best guess is either his phone is low on power and he needs to conserve it or his mind is so focused on what happened at home that he doesn’t have the spoons for anything else.”

“I hate you.”

He chuckles. “I know. But you’re kind of a drama queen and if whatever happened is bad, he needs to focus on it. Telling you what happened is energy he could be putting into surviving his family.” His voice is softer when he continues. “You know that just as well as I do. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Just be there for him, be his safe space when he comes back.”

The knot is back in my throat and my eyes burn. I don’t want him to have to survive his goddamn family! I want to take him away from them and show him that love doesn’t have to be a burden. That it shouldn’t come with conditions and guilt and pain.

If I ever get a chance to tell his mother what I really think, I’m going to tell her all about herself.

“Why don’t you come home for break? It’ll give you something to think about besides how you aren’t getting laid and worrying about the mess he’s going to be when he gets back.”

“Mom asked me to come home a while ago too.” I pry my wet ass off the bench and head inside. Maybe Neal will keep me entertained tonight since he heads out in the morning. I don’t want to go home. It’s so much farther away from him. Would it be a good idea to get away from campus for a while? Probably, but what if Joey needs me and I’m in fucking Washington?

“You’re thinking really loud, what is it?” Brent asks.

“What if…What if Joey needs me and I’m in Washington?” I’ve been working so fucking hard to get him to trust me, to lean on me, and if I wasn’t here when he needed me, it would ruin everything. Not to mention the guilt that would eat me alive.

“You can hop on a plane and fly back. SeaTac to Denver is pretty cheap, especially if you fly red-eye. You know I’ll help you pay for it, or Mom, if you need it.”

I stab the elevator call button and drop my head back on my shoulders. “Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate you.”

“Of course. Anytime.”

31

Joey

Ignoring Nick’s calls and text is eating me alive. The guilt is an acid burning through my stomach, my heart, my bones, and straight into my soul. He’s worried. He has to be. I left without a word and it wasn’t what we had planned. My ass was on the bus for an hour before I realized I should have called him.

I’m not good at relationships. This is exactly the kind of shit I was worried about. He’s going to be pissed and he has every right to be. I would be furious if he had done this to me.

By the time I get to the terminal, I’m an anxious mess. Between worrying about Nick’s reaction to me running home with zero communication and the berating I know is coming from Mom, I want to puke.

I get off the bus, grab my bag from underneath, and quickly find my sister. Charlotte throws her arms around me and immediately starts sobbing. I have to drop my bag to hug her back. Fear wraps itself around my throat and squeezes my heart.

“What? What happened? Is Matt okay?” I want to shake her. What the fuck? I’ve been stuck on a fucking bus for hours and no one updated me of a major change?

“Matt’s stupid ass is fine.” She studders through the tears. “I’m just so glad you’re here and I don’t have to do this alone.”

I sag with relief and my knees damn near give out. Fuck.

“I’ve got it now, you can breathe.” I squeeze her for another minute before she pushes me away, frustration and anger on her face when she slaps at me.

“You shouldn’t be here! Matt isn’t your problem! I told you not to come back.” Her emotions are going to give me whiplash. “What about school? You can’t miss classes. You’re almost done.”

“It’s spring interterm. No classes. I finished my last final this morning, I have, like, a week before classes start again.” I grab my bag and usher her toward the parking lot. I can’t drag this out any longer. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, I have to just go and deal with Mom and see what Matt’s deal is. “How’s Matt? Is he home?”

“Tomorrow. He broke his right leg and had to go in and do something, I don’t know. He should be released tomorrow, but you know they’re going to give him narcotics, so you’ll have to lock up the pills.” She’s bitter about it all and I wish I had the mental space to be mad about it too. Anger gets me nowhere. I’m…resigned. It’s the way my life is and I just have to deal with it.

“Seriously, why did you come?” Char asks once we’re on the road heading toward our childhood house. It’s not home. It hasn’t been home since before Dad was diagnosed. Now it’s a building that holds my worst memories. I wish it would burn down. Maybe then Mom could move on.

“I had to. You know I did.”

I lean my head on the headrest and sigh. My soul is tired and all I want is Nick. I should have asked him to come with me. How fucked is it that I didn’t even think about calling him until he called me?

“You didn’t. Am I happy to see you? Yeah, I am. I missed you, but you shouldn’t have come back.” The dashboard lights illuminate her face enough to see a tear trail down her cheek. “We have to let him hit rock bottom.” Her words are thick with emotion, and it breaks my heart to hear. My fearless, sassy sister is hurting and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t fix Matt, logically I know that, but I want to so fucking bad. Him being a mess feels like my fault. I was trying to navigate my father’s death while trying to pass my classes and raise my siblings. Char was able to pull her shit together, but Matt wasn’t. He lashed out and I was never able to get through to him. Not really. It’s my biggest failure.

I failed my father.

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