Page 61 of Off Sides

“Joey, listen to me.” I wait until I hear him suck in a deep breath. “They are not your responsibility. They never should have been. I can almost guarantee that your dad did not mean for you to raise your siblings. He didn’t mean for you to take the brunt force of your mom’s failings. He didn’t want this for you.”

Joey’s breath shudders and he sniffles. “I want to make him proud.”

It’s so clear that he had to grow up before he was ready. He has wounds from his childhood that are still open and festering. I hate it for him.

“Baby, I may have never met him, but he would be crazy not to be proud of you.” I hate how far apart we are. “Think about all the things you’ve done.” I start ticking them off on my fingers even though he can’t see them. “You survived losing your dad, got your siblings through high school, got onto a college hockey team where you then became the captain. You’re about to graduate college, while playing hockey, and dealing with your family’s shit.” He's a fucking rock star. “Those guys on the team with you? They’re proud of you, and I bet they don’t know what you’re dealing with personally. I’m fucking proud of you. The fact that your mom can’t see how much you’ve taken on, how much you’ve done for her, is her short coming, not yours.”

The sigh he releases sounds defeated and I want to shake him.

“I wish you were here.” His voice is small, like a child who’s scared of being in trouble. It makes my heart sing to hear him admit it, though.

“You are not alone in that want.” I smile to myself. “I would give my left nut to be there with you right now.”

Joey chuckles, and I can hear the stubble scrape across his hand as he wipes his face. “Why the left one?”

“So, my swimmers know how to act right, duh.”

He snorts this time, laughing and finally breaking some of the tension. I love when he laughs. It doesn’t happen often and I can almost picture his face in my mind. Eyes sparkling, tension lines gone, a warmth to his cheeks.

“Oh man, I needed that. Thanks,” he says on a sigh.

“Anytime. It’s what I’m here for.” I sit back on my bed until my back is against the wall and I can relax. “I’m here for you, whatever you need. You know that, don’t you?”

“Logically, I do but…”

“But what?”

“I don’t know how to rely on anyone.” His voice is soft, almost a whisper.

“I’ll teach you.”

Leaning my head against the wall, I thank whoever was responsible for sending Brent to my family. I don’t know how I would have survived without him during my hardest years.

“Why?” The question comes after it’s been quiet and it catches me off guard.

“Why what?”

“Why…me? I’m a mess of baggage and issues. You can find someone easier.”

There it is. What’s really been holding him back. He doesn’t think he’s worth it. “Can you switch to video?”

“Uh, I guess, hang on.”

In a minute, Joey’s handsome face is on my screen, full of trepidation. He’s tired, the circles under his eyes are dark, and there’s a raggedness to him that I want to erase.

“There you are.” I smile at him, happy to see him even if the circumstances suck. “I wanted you to be able to see me when I tell you this. Are you ready?”

I wait for him to nod. “One, you aren’t the only one with baggage. I’ve got some too. Second, having issues or baggage or whatever doesn’t make you undeserving of love or affection or friendship.” His eyes fill with unshed tears, and I pause to make sure I’m really about to say this. To be vulnerable. “I don’t want someone easier. I want you. Just the way you are.”

My heart is pounding in my ears, I can feel it pulsing in my neck as I wait for him to say something. Instead, the tears trail down his cheeks and he covers his face with his free hand.

“You’re worth everything.” I don’t know if he’ll let me show him or if he’ll decide it’s all too much and ghost me again. I don’t have answers to what happens later, in the future, after graduation, but I want to figure it out with him. He hasn’t given me a chance to love him but right now, there’s no doubt in my mind that I do. If he walks away from me again, it’ll crush me.

24

Nick

All day, I’ve been bugging Joey for estimated arrival times. I need to see him. Hug him. Kiss him.

---