Page 41 of Fast Forward

“I know, but I’ve tried and I can’t. Let’s just pull it back down so we can figure out what to do!”

Except I couldn’t pull it back down since my arms were stuck and all blood had most likely drained out of them. Ryan pulled at the suit and it rolled gradually down my arms, over my head, and past my shoulders, until my face was free and I rapidly drew in wonderful, delicious gulps of air.

“There, at least you can catch your breath,” Ryan said.

“I… I’ve… got it… from here, thanks.” I turned away from my son and dragged the suit back over mammogram land, and then over my belly and hips. The shallow breaths I took were a welcoming contrast to the strangulation I’d experienced.

“Should I get some scissors?” Ryan asked, pointing out the door where two of the caterers looked on in horror.

“No, I’ll just have to leave it on for now. It’s okay, I can breathe. It’s a little tight, but not too bad. I’ll attack it with scissors once the night is over.” Which I probably wouldn’t need to do because as soon as that cake appeared I was out of here! At least I hoped I would be. I couldn’t take any more. This was the last straw. If worse came to worst and I was still here after the party, then at least the magic suit would be a deterrent to William’s advances and he’d probably give up and go to sleep.

“You sure?” Ryan asked, and I nodded.

“Although, could you help me into my dress, just in case?” I flashed him an apologetic smile as I stepped into the dress, my body squishing further as he slid the zipper up at the back. There was a moment when I thought it wouldn’t go all the way up, but it did. Just.

After the most traumatic moment of my life, bar the bungy jump, I stood dressed and ready for my party. Apart from my hair which appeared starched in an upward fashion, and my lipstick which was now on my nose and my eyeliner which now graced the lines on my forehead.

“Why are you wearing this dress anyway, Mum?” Ryan asked, lines of confusion on his face.

“Why? Don’t you like it?” Were red sequined figure-hugging dresses some sort of fashion no-no in the future?

“Of course I like it, but it’s a bit old fashioned and anyway, it’s not exactly a costume.”

“A what?”

“A fancy dress costume. Your birthday event is a costume party, remember?”

Oh, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

All that hard work and I could have just worn a big white sheet, easily covered all my bits and called myself a ghost. Ryan’s eyes were awaiting an answer, so I racked my brain for an excuse.

“I… I’m… dressing up as my twenty-five-year-old self.” Brilliant, Kelli!

Ryan’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape. “Right. Okay, it’s different I guess, but great idea, Mum.”

Phew. Drama averted.

“So did you wear shoes back then?” He glanced at my bare feet.

“Oh shoes, yes I need shoes!” My toes hooked under the handle of the bottom draw of the wardrobe and pulled it open. Thankfully there was a decent array of shoes to choose from, so long as my feet hadn’t gained weight too and needed their own support briefs. There were no red shoes to match my dress, so I plucked out a pair of plain nude heels, slipping my feet inside them.

As I did this, Ryan pulled some kind of mask over his face and I tipped my head back in realisation that his tail was part of a fancy dress costume and not the latest fashion as I had originally thought. “So, what are you dressed as?” I asked.

“Seriously?” he said. “You don’t know?”

I shrugged and held my palms up as if the answer might fall into my hands.

“The Lizardile,” he said in a teasing manner.

“The what?”

“You know… The Lizardile, from the book and movie series?”

I stared at him blankly.

“The mutant lizard-slash-crocodile who defeated the Lord of Zarcan to free the inhabitants of Drokon Island? The only book and film franchise to outsell Harry Potter?”

“Oh, that Lizardile, of course!” How the heck could a mutant lizard crocodile creature thingy outsell Harry Potter?

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