Page 30 of Fast Forward

“I think it was about a year before he died, when you took that quick trip? I didn’t go of course… too caught up in my work.”

“Oh, yes. That’s right.” How could I have let a whole year go by without seeing him again? Kasey must have been absent a lot longer. “Did you ever actually visit him, overseas?” I asked with a curious eye, as though it had simply slipped my mind.

My sister shook her head. “The last time I saw him was before he moved away. The damage had already been done by then. We’d gradually grown distant since he revealed the truth about Mum’s affair.” Kasey’s chin dropped to her chest. “I think it hurt him to see me. To be reminded of Mum’s infidelity. I don’t think he felt paternal about me anymore.”

My chair screeched as I stood and pushed back tears. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” I said. How could our family have become such a mess?

“Wait, Kelli, talk to me. Why are you so upset after all these years?” Kasey stood too.

“My father died! I haven’t even said goodbye! I wish I could see him, I miss him. It can’t be true, it can’t be! I just want to go home!” The tears flooded my face. Overwhelmed with the desperate need to escape, my eyes darted to the exit.

Kasey grabbed my arm. “I know it’s an emotional day for you and it’s normal to be reminded of the fact that Dad’s not here. Not to mention Mum,” she began. “But you need to be thankful that you’re here, that you’re healthy and make the most of your life. Dad wouldn’t want you to be upset.”

With tears burning in my eyes, I looked at my sister, now an elegant yet blurry blob in front of me… and saw Mum’s eyes. We may be half-sisters, but we came from the same womb.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so upset.” I tried wiping my tears with my hands but the sleek liquid only spread further around my face. Kasey handed me a napkin and I dabbed at them, no doubt messing up Barb’s handiwork. “You’re right, I’m just emotional today and…” I realised the whole cafe was staring at us and felt bad for Kasey who probably knew most of the people, “… and I’m going to make the most of my birthday. I just need some time alone to clear my head and get back to normal.” Whatever that was. “I have to go, but thank you. Thank you for a… beautiful lunch.” I gave her a brief hug but my body was desperate to move, to get away and let off steam.

“Will you be okay?” she asked.

I puffed out my chest. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’ll see you tonight.” I forced a smile and thanked her once again for my birthday lunch, before scurrying out the door with an audience of concerned onlookers. Poor Kasey, I’d left her in the lurch again. Alone, to fend for herself.

But I had to, I couldn’t do anything else right now but mourn my father and I needed to be alone to do it… which was extremely hard in a busy city on a Friday afternoon. I ran off towards an exit which led to an overpass; an enclosed pathway connecting the shopping centre with another building. The walls and roof were transparent, and the city crowd and traffic buzzed below. I stopped in the middle of the overpass to catch my breath, leaning on the wall.

“Oh, Dad,” I whispered to myself, tears rolling down my face.

A stranger stopped next to me to ask if I was okay, handing me a tissue, and I nodded. I remembered the uncontrollable sadness that had washed over me when my mother died, and this was no different. Except I had seen my mother. I had said goodbye. I didn’t have any closure with Dad.

A tiny bubble of hope surfaced then, when I realised that this life may not be hanging around too much longer. If I could go back, I would call my dad, go and see him, throw my arms around him and tell him to never move away from us. Tell him to sort things out with Kasey before they drifted apart. They may not be related, but they still loved each other. Dad raised her as his own, she was as much his daughter as I was.

What if his cancer was somehow caused by unresolved emotions? If I could make things better between them when I got back, it might – just might be possible – to save his life. Couldn’t it? Those two hardly ever had a proper conversation and now I knew why. Come to think of it, Mum had treated Kasey differently too. Parents say they don’t have a favourite child, but I was definitely Mum’s favourite. I think Kasey was not only a reminder of Mum’s infidelity to Dad, but a reminder to Mum of her betrayal.

My grief at Dad’s death merged with the relief of knowing that in my real life he was still alive and my urgency to get home intensified. But to do that, I had to keep it together. If I kept losing it, someone was sure to schedule an intervention. I had to keep pushing the emotions deep down inside and close the lid on them. I drew in a sharp breath and dabbed at my eyes with the stranger’s tissue. I had to get on with the day as planned and keep my eye on the prize: The birthday cake… my wish.

With resolve I stood tall and my blurry vision cleared. I turned to walk back into the shopping centre when I caught sight of someone down in the street below. A man wearing a stylish grey suit, with balding grey hair and black-rimmed glasses sat at an outdoor cafe with a pretty woman half his age. He had one leg crossed, bouncing his foot up and down. As though he couldn’t sit still. Just like someone I knew…

“Grant!” I screamed, all composure going AWOL as I rapped furiously on the glass wall of the overpass. “Baby, it’s me! I’ve found you!”

The people walking through the overpass gave me strange looks but I didn’t care, I’d found my man! My eyes scanned the layout of the vicinity in which I stood, and then the street below, as though I was a cop on surveillance and had to plan the best available route to catch a criminal.

I peered down into the street. There was an exit just under the overpass, not far from the cafe where Grant was. Pinning his location in my mind, I ran back into the shopping centre and towards the escalator/lift thingy, excusing myself past a slow group of people to get inside the closest compartment. It took me downwards in a smooth, almost instant ride and when the doors opened I pushed through excitedly. “Excuse me… sorry… excuse me,” I kept saying. I hurried to the exit on the left, almost colliding with an automated wheelchair-vehicle of some kind driven by an elderly man.

“Grant!” I called as I launched myself outside, turning towards the cafe. He was gone. Grant was gone!

My eyes practically exploded from their sockets as I searched to find him in the crowd. On trembling legs, I ran swiftly to the cafe table where he’d been sitting. I spun around one way and then the other. Passers-by bumped into me from all sides and I had no choice but to move with the crowd. Then I saw him…crossing the road.

“Grant!” I called out, but he didn’t hear me. “Grant!” I yelled louder.

I looked left, right and stepped onto the road. A car narrowly missed me. The driver slammed on brakes and beeped the horn. Waving an apology, I stepped onto the sidewalk on the other side of the road and rushed up behind my boyfriend.

“Grant!”

He turned around, his framed eyes connecting with mine. Only they didn’t completely connect; his held uncertainty for a moment. “Yes?”

“It’s me! I’m so glad I found you!” I clasped my hands around his wrists and leaned close to him. He had a paler look about him and fine creases hung at the corner of his eyes, but he was still my Grant.

He pulled back, releasing my hands and the woman next to him glared at me. “Who…” he began, but just as the words came out of his mouth realisation dawned in his eyes. “Kelli?”

I nodded excessively and stretched a wide smile onto my face. “Yes, it’s me!”

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